h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

[sultry young lady, who happens to be called líadan]

"Surely you'd be better off in the catacombs, where you can get the damp air without the guts and shrieks of torment?" *absentmindedly cleans blood splatter off her leather boots*

*looks closer at the midget* "Hmm... don't I know you....?" *thinks to herself for a moment*

[midged] I think so, yes. Only you used to look down on me. Well, that's history now, sister.

6 foot 9 - and counting...

[líadan] "Not from where I'm standing..."
*sits down on the midget's stomach, causing the rack to creak alarmingly*
"See? You're still beneath me."

[midget] oh, that's allright then. I always wanted to work under a sultry young lady like yourself anyway

[líadan]

*adjusts herself to make sure she's sitting on the midget's _stomach_ and not anything that might be more.... spiky*

[midget] I'm not a male yet, I'm afraid. Master Grate the Jailor left before he finished what he promised...

[Master Grate the Jailer]

*Releases rack wheel*

Right thats the main bit done. Just need to attach (to sultry young maiden) just move along a bit dear, I just need to attach the end of this to... ah there we are, and I'll just turn this a little. and put a rope over here, and put some weights on here..Right, this'll make your eyes water!

[Cook]
*Chops onions right next door to midget*

[midget] *to cook:* Carefull with that axe, Eugene!

[Out Of Character]
Huh? Everyone's been referring to the midget as 'he', and Master Grate has been attaching things to hir privates...

[líadan]

"Are you sure that's safe, Mr. Jailer, Sir? What if someone where to accidentally walk past and tug on the weighted rope..." *tugs sharply downwards on the weighted rope* "... like this?"

[Comedy bit part serf #2 and cleaner] Oi, gonnae no do that! Its bad enough tryin' to get blood 'n stuff out from 'tween these 'ere stones, without you droppin' onion peels 'n aw *Mops dischffedly around the increasingly busy dungeon*

[Midget - now a very tall midget]

That's it. I cannot take it any longer. LET ME OFF

........

.......

(whisper)
Please....

[Master Grate the Jailer]

Everything seems quite big enough now.

Boingggg...Clang...Scratchy Noise...

There you go! What was your crime any way? (He shouts up at the midget) I have forgotten.

Anyone else fancy a little lie down?

[Iadian]
Certainly *not* - the true reason why I am here is because Lance couldn't stand me being taller than him!

(to Lancelot) Maybe you should go on that machine, dear, it'll do you good. Or the rest of the world any way...
(to Master Jailer) ... or maybe you got a spare set of chains in the dark cells deeper down? To leave Lancelot to ponder his doings for a while will make *me* a lot happier!

[Líadan - that's with an 'L' and a funny squiggle over the 'i' ]

*tries to get used to the midget's new size*

[midget]

*shrinks slightly as the rack's effects wear off*

(to Jailer) "Well, the soldier arrested me for spying, but actually I'm an assasin! Hey: what's so funny? You never heard of a midget assasin before?" *outraged*

[Lancelot]

No way matey! You're not getting me near that thing. I'm off to the Ogre's Lair to rescue a fair maiden. Or Queen Guinevere. Whoever happens to be held prisoner there.

[Master Grate the Jailer]

Well, while you lot are making up your mind, I'm off for my Lunch with Mrs Jailer.

*Líadan cracks her whip at Lance's departing rear*

[Liadan] "Coward!"

[midget] Ah, well, I'm off then. Time to try out these new - er - features... Anybody show me the way to Lady Guineveres chamber?

[narrator]

Its nothing to do with me really, but you may wish to reconsider. The big G, who may have been reasonably gentle with you, is away being kidnapped. Her bedroom is currently occupied by the noble Sir Parsifal who may well, should you attempt a little, shall we say, use of your new big thing, chop it off. Good for the plot. Not good for your health.