CAMELOT (A place of enchantment and participation)

72 Conversations


Welcome. This is not really a game, more a private place where you can work out your fantasies, study the complex interactions of a diverse set of ever-changing characters in a confined setting, or have fun. If you are new to h2g2 you may need to read the last paragraph a couple of times to get the hang of it before you can contribute your words of wisdom, wit and insight. The rest of you know what to do.


Camelot is populated by a great many movers and shakers, vassals and vermin.

They include:-Unfortunately, and surprisingly so in view of the spaceships, mobile phones and battery operated dildos to be found in Camelot, there were no cameras around. This, then, is what our Artist in Residence thinks Arthur looks like. When and if you meet Arthur, you can make up your own mind as to the vividness of our Artist's imagination.


    He was born at Tintagel, the illegitimate son of Uther and grandson of Constantine who had tried, if you remember, to restore the Roman Empire from the remote island of Britain. He grew up to be a great and wise king, brave, valiant, noble and lots of other jolly good things. He won loads of battles, vanquishing all sorts of foes and uniting the many kingdoms of Albion, mainly by promising the various Princes a knighthood and a place at his renowned Round Table. Having done that, he, with his knights, toddled off on a great adventure, the search for The Holy Grail. It was supposed to be in the possession of a chap called The Fisher King, but, unfortunately, no-one knew where he lived. This was, of course, a Quest and now, merely by clicking the link you just passed, you too may join, but be warned, if you are In Search of Adventure this is no Bob Hope and Bing Crosby 'Road to' movie. The travails of Arthur and all his knights were many and arduous, and almost all died, some more valiantly than others, along the way. Eventually, having returned from the great adventure, the tired, weary, saddened, and by now quite old, Arthur was mortally wounded towards the end of a long and terrible battle with his wicked son and taken off by some ghostly ladies to be buried on the Isle of Avalon, now known as Glastonbury. He will one day return, for he is the once and future King.

  • The totally gorgeous queen who was nevertheless neglected by Arthur, forever off fighting battles. She turned, in her hours of 'physical' need to:

  • a strange French bod, who appeared one day from nowhere, or at least 'du Lac', a French place, and won all the sports events, tournaments and so forth, quickly becoming Arthur's best knight, before cuckolding him when he was off fighting. Nevertheless he was brave, valiant, noble and all that stuff, and produced an oh-so-bloody-perfect son GALAHAD, who did just about everything right, even getting his hands on the Grail thingy. We digress. Lancelot's dalliance with the queen much upset Arthur, who was thus distracted from his plans for his final battle with

  • the aforementioned evil son who (allegedly) was the result of a rather steamy (allegedly) incestuous relationship between Arthur and his half-sister

  • A dark temptress with (allegedly) raven locks, (probably) long fingernails and a penchant for lotions, potions and evil spells and the like. She may have been something of a stranger to truth and honesty, and a little on the all-devouring side of randy. Not really a 'mumsy' sort. She did her best to help her son, come the final battle, by nicking Arthur's magical scabbard, thus rendering him vincible. In the absence of DNA evidence, however, we shall have to take her word as to MORDRED's parentage. Freud may have had something to say as to young MORDRED's state of mind when it came to mortally wounding, and getting killed by, his Dad.

  • Again, our Artist in Residence has used more than a little artistic license. This is supposed to be Merlin! The truth, sadly, is that Merlin is not given to wearing flowing turquoise robes, or combing his snowy beard. In fact, we count it a good day when he wears robes of any description, and as for combing the birds nests etc. out of his beard, well....was Arthur's secret weapon. A wizard and general know-it-all, who gave Arthur much of the wisdom and many of the wise words needed to keep control of his knights and family. He also helped Arthur get his non-secret weapon, a sword called Excalibur - don't ask, its a long story - This sword was once repaired by

  • a sort of underwater blacksmith, of whom we only ever see an arm. She also took possession of Excalibur after Arthur's last surviving gallant, if slightly dopy, knight

  • chucked it in the lake, albeit at the second time of asking.

    There were loads of knights, each with their particular talents and abilities. Many of whom marked their names on the round table1 with their Celtic Army Penknives. Choose from


    as well as the aforementioned Lancelot, Bedevere and Mordred. Some of these guys were French, of course. Albion included a large part of France.

    Oh, and we should not forget the LADY OF SHALOTT who had a bit of a pash for the LANCELOT fellow and ended up floating down the river in a dramatic, if lifeless, pose, to join him at Camelot. The noble Knight did notice the corpse, but, by then, it was too late, she being dead and everything.


    Camelot is a many towered castle in, shall we say, The West Country. We should keep its actual location a secret. The layout and geography gets quite complicated, so please pay attention.

    It has

  • some dungeons with bats and spiders!smiley - smiley - batsmiley - smiley - batsmiley - smiley - batsmiley - smiley - bat
  • just by the dungeon there is a strange room, with a bar and odd equipment. Unless you are exceedingly brave, it might be wise to pass by and investigate instead
  • a turret for damsels in distress to wave from, and of course the many towers, of which one is Merlin's Tower
  • a Grand Hall for the round table, with a stage in the corner that the h2g2 Orchestra have claimed as their own.
  • Beneath the stage is The Mousehole wherein live (and argue among themselves) a certain number of white mice.
  • Downstairs are some kitchens.
  • Upstairs there is a war room, in which to plan your enemies' destruction and a study in which to study old biology textbooks in private.
  • Up yet more stairs is the Guest Room. A little further on, and quite a long way from the kitchens, as the servants will tell you, is The Royal Bedchamber
  • Below the high castle walls, topped by the Castle Battlements enclosing a courtyard, wherein are The Gallows and on the other side of which is a shark-infested - somewhat unusual in the Somerset Levels (Damn, that was supposed to be a secret!) - moat. This usually is somewhat aromatic especially near the outfall from the Sewage Works, but at present there seems to be a 'small problem' there, which makes the fragrance in these parts more pleasant, or at least less unpleasant, than usual for us, but is presenting the small but willing workforce there with some difficulties. It may therefore be a suitable opportunity to visit the

  • Boathouse
  • , which is just by a
  • drawbridge at the forbidding Gatehouse
  • complete with portcullis and bored guard. Conveniently situated next to the Gatehouse is
  • The Lottery
  • Kiosk. You will find a Borg Cube here, if you are intimidated by such things ('Just Say Boo!' is good advice), so be careful.The Graveyard, above The Catacombs...Spooky, or what?
  • Beyond the moat a track leads past The Graveyard, under which is a vast network of Catacombs which may, or may not, be connected to the underground dragon-guarded lost Elf Kingdom by a Secret Passage-way
  • . The track leads on past The Menagerie to
  • A shady glade - with lake - in the forest
  • at the far end of which is a waterfall, that hides
  • Ye Hiding Place for Illicit Loverssmiley - smooch
  • . The waterfall tumbles into
  • Ye Lake (Of the Lady of the Lake).
  • Should you have had the foresight to bring all your diving gear, here is the place to snorkel up, for under the lake is a secret, though short, tunnel entrance to the Underwater Palace of Shannara. Further on is the
  • Witches Cottagesmiley - witch
  • and behind a little hilltop at the back of an abandoned hovel you will find the secret "Sandra's Hair Salon" which, being secret, is reached by an unknown path known as The Star-Set and road to world domination2. Then, travelling a league or two further, hardly visible from the tallest turret of the castle, in the far distant reaches of the thickest part of The Forest is an
  • Ogres Lair.. Oddly, for such hirsute coves, they are neighbours of The Retirement Home for Hairdressers. There are those who swear they saw a blue police box near here.(Could it have been the Tardis? Ogres - and hairdressers - are notoriously unreliable witnesses.)
  • Over to the North, you can see The Battlefield, Not yet really bloody, but it will be, it will be.
  • Between the battlefield and the castle, close by one of the lakes and easily accessible from the back door of the Grand Hall a Visiting Alien Spaceship
  • has landed on the Heath. Spaceships are not a modern invention.
  • Over to the East, you can see a deep gloomy gorge, across which Queen Almasy's dark and dreary castle on a dark and dreary cliff looks out at its twin.The more intrepid among you may venture along the gorge beneath these dreary towers to the land beyond. Take care. For this dingy valley leads to a land of many dragons. In fact you shortly pass, on your left, a Dragon Roost.These are not nice friendly dragons, but the fire-breathing knight-munching sort. Do not be deceived by the nurses uniforms. They are an endangered species. It is suggested that you endanger them further with your sharpest swords.
  • It requires bravery of a different sort to travel South from the castle. There are lands of legend thereabouts. The first you will come to is the Enchanted Forest of Ice. Please my friend, take with you every spell that you know should you venture into these parts. Beyond this icy land, who knows what troubles await.
  • There are many other rooms to see and places to go. These will be added by you as time goes by. As and when you open a room, it will be included here.


    Well, you can make up the plot as you go along. In fact do just that. Feel free. Those unfamiliar with the story of Arthur and wanting to know more could pop along and see NexusSeven and rummage around his page. Or, you could remember, instead, the Star Wars plot. For Arthur read Luke Skywalker, for Lancelot, Hans Solo, Guinevere is Princess Leia, Merlin is Ben Kenobi, Mordred is Darth Vader and so on and so forth. Its a bit tenuous, but the main elements are there.


    Dead easy. Join a conversation in one of the rooms, as a character. You can do this by clicking on one of the links above, or the conversation threads below. Start by putting square brackets around the character's name, e.g. [ARTHUR] in the first line, so that everyone knows who you are. If you wish to take over a character that someone else is 'playing', then just do it, to quote a trainer. They may mind very much, but that's part of the fun. It would be nice to take note of how the character has developed thus far, but if you fancy a little schizophrenia, feel free. Try, however, to avoid simulposts. If someone else is rattling off the entries for a particular character, then it might be polite to wait until they have calmed down or gone off somewhere else. If you want to discover a new room, just open a new conversation in the name of the room. If you want to introduce a new character, feel free, but try and keep within the Arthurian theme. e.g. [ISOLDE](Lover of Tristram).

    Please remember that Camelot is a place of perfection, a place where all is well, a place of merriment and contentment, of poetry reading, of grace, politeness and respect. It is not, and this cannot be repeated often enough, it is not, a place of shenanigans, of bad tempered servants, of wilful seduction/torture of any passing noble knight, nor is it a place where the animal population gets uppity and start cavorting with visiting aliens. Kidnapping, arson, pillage and all night parties with loud music will not be tolerated. Oh, and if you feel the need to kill someone off, please don't use the principal characters, they have other work to do.

    Let the derring-do commence!!......

    1A 'copy' of which may be seen at Winchester Cathedral2Don't ask, its very difficult to explain.

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