h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

*messes around with a few rusty chains he found tied to the bed.. now who would do that?*

[kA]

Gosh I'm so frightened. Terrified. Now please run away little ghost, though not before I thank you for waking me with your clanking.. I said clanking..

Thank you.

Now go..

And Queenie, much as I have adored perusing your delicate derriere for the last four weeks, I think the time has come for a little making up, don't you??

[qG]
Yes, maybe...
Any suggestions?

[kA]

Yes, well, I have a few... (gets out scroll of parchment upon which is a very long list) actually I have rather a lot. And several... wait a minute (looks up and down list) ALL of them seem to involve a degree of, shall we say, nudity. Shall we start, therefore, by asking you to disrobe in a dignified manner that does NOT involve wrapping yourself around any of the poles on the four-poster bed whilst gyrating to old disco music??

[qG]
Disrobe again?
What a see-saw...
But dignity for a change is really alluring.

[kA]

Forsooth my Queen, you can never disrobe too many times! For some once is too many (Glances down at own furry tummy) but you, light of my life, were born to be naked, and clothed, and naked again, and clothed, and naked again and...( beads of perspiraition form on our noble liege's dignified brow!)

[qG]
I'm sure the wants to see me naked, too.
Isn't this thought-provoking for you?
Just a little bit?

No?

What about jealousy?
Think about it, please.
Just imagine the situation:
Your wife naked, dressed, naked, dressed...
And this is watching her all the time.

Is this, what you want???

yes yes yes oh, I mean no.. no, don't worry about me.. after all us s are by nature sort of.. lurkers.. but we hardly ever interfere

[kA]

(Disturbed from reveries concerning wife's - almost forgotten its been so long - voluptuous body... body... body.... ahh! just the thought... just the word...)

Now listen, dear crumpet... sorry, wife, you know I don't believe in ghosts. Except for the one that helped me pull that sword from the stone, oh, and the one that tripped up that strange French knight when he was about to get the better of me, oh, and not forgetting the one that helps bloody Merlin do his silly spells. Apart from them, ghosts don't exist. I think you're trying to hide something!! Aha! like lovebites for example, or little bruises on the botty... Hmmm! I know your game (has decided bullying may be the best tactic here) come on darling, get yer kit off!

[qG]
A ghost? I thought it was WD-40...
Well, to err is human.
And no, I prefer to stay dressed.

.. .. really??

[qG]
Even if I'm outnumbered.

.. I can tie a white sheet over my head.. would that help?

[kA]

**Sighs and sits on bed, bad-tempered. Looks gloomily in direction of ghost.**

If you put a sheet on, you silly ghost, we will know you are there.

**Takes out little black book at looks at section labelled 'Ladies who will willingly dis-robe' and sees first name there "Queen Guinevere". Takes pencil from behind ear, and crosses her name out. Sadly notes lack of other names in this section, and turns to 'Ladies who will give you a cuddle in time of need'. Sees the first name there "Queen Guinevere". Looks up.**

Any chance of a... (Tails off) Never mind.

**Sadly crosses name out with pencil, once again noting the lack of alternatives."

[qG]
*eyes the black book suspiciously*
What is this?
*waiting for an answer she sits down on the other side of the bed*
What is it??
*scrabbles over the blankets and tries to look over his shoulder*
Please tell me what it is.
*a is now inevitable*

[kA]

It is a vast and encyclopaedic volume containing the name and number of every lady I have ever loved, suitably and carefully categorised. Look...

***turns to section marked 'Ladies, lovely'. There is only one entry. "Guinevere, Queen".***

or here...

***'Lovers, good (who can also cook a bit)'. Again, just one entry. qG.'

or here...

***'Bird, tasty (who makes your heart beat strong!)'. It seems every entry in the book is the same.... What a sad geezer.***

Here, take it. It, like my heart, is yours.

*impatient tapping of boneless ghostly fingers on a white sheet*
... come on... get on with it... I don't have all eternity you know.. ...
... On second thoughts.. I do have all eternity

[qG]

[kG]

**Runs around room discarding clothing, ends up in seductive (He thinks!) pose on bed.**

My darling... its been so long!

and... talking of long, look what I've got for you!!

(Thinks... I must remember to tip that scribe in the library... oh, and pick up the the other five little black books. I think I'll try the boulangiere in Brittany next. Or Brittany in Boulangeville. Never mind that! concentrate man, concentrate)

Let me hold you in my arms and lie with you once more, my love!!

[qG]
*joins him on the bed, closes her eyes and thinks of someone else*