h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

[Captain of the Guard]SIR, YES SIR!

[Captain of the Guard]Love the way you do your nails Guin, [bulge] Hey, you planned anything for tonight? Fancy a night out in the.. arrr.. pub? [BULGE]

**Drawing himself up slowly to his full imperious height**

ATTEN... SHUN!!!

(Thinks) That'll sort out his bulges!(/Thinks)

[Captain of the Guard to kA]SSssshhhhhhhhhhhhh.... not so loud!! here, hold this a moment will you?
[gives kA his sword and sits next to qG]
[Captain of the Guard to qG] I see your garter's come untied my love, shall I tie it on for you?

[qG]
*dreamy*
Uh-huh.

[CotG starts rearranging qG's clothing.. a time consuming job that requires his full attention..]

[kA]

(Flabberghasted!)

What the... How dare...How can you...Whats going on...????

(Collects Excalibur, swings it around his head a couple of times, slicing several passing flies in half and causing the chandelier to crash to the floor)

[qG]
Amazing

[CotG]Yes, it is .. isn't it?
[takes the sword, kills some more flies & insects, lays the sword down in the corner and proceeds with whatever he was doing]

[kA]

**Astounded at the bare-faced cheek of this self-appointed rival for the affections of his wonderful wife - who never did her faithful husband wrong, and certainly never dallied with the likes of this ruffian**

(Blustering) Look you young whippersnapper, unhand my wi.....aahhh!! (slips on half corpse of fly and suddenly sits with a clang of armour, in a non-regal manner, on the hard stone floor)

[CotG]SSSsssshhhhhh... Observe... this requires utter concentration!

[Narrator]

Not being as, shall we say, vigorous as once he was, our noble King seems deep in contemplation.

[kA]

(Contemplating) I seem to have a choice here. I can either hurl this impertinent fellow out of the window and do a bit of ravishing of my lady wife OR I could catch the next ferry back to France and do a bit of dallying with that nice boulangiere lady. Hmm, best do a SWOT analysis (but may require some page-size juggling to make it work properly)

qG Nice French Lady

Requires vigorous exercise Yes No
to fight hefty CoG and
possibility of blood, even
own blood, on carpet
resulting in high dry
cleaning costs.

Requires vigorous exercise Yes Yes
in keeping up with lady's
'physical' demands

Requires vigorous horse NO Yes
riding and other long
travelling to get to
her loving arms


Hmmm....

[kA]

Nope... that didn't work!!!

[CotG]No.. trust me.. swot won't get you where you want to go..
I know! .. for sure ..

[CotG]Hey, sorry king, my ghostwriter just had a bit of a fallback.. relating to sad personal experiences.. never mind..
Hey, here's a notebook and a pencil.. go and finish this analysis.. we'd be interested in the outcome, won't we queenie?

[proceeds to rearrange some of the more fascinating parts of QG's garderobe (such as shoes.. good place to start)]

[kA]

(Outraged) I didn't get where I am today by paying attention to all this management-speak babble!!!

(Not so outraged as he remembers that nice young lady who did some 'consulting' when he was planning some changes to the Tournament Premiere League.) I haven't got time to be SWOTting all over the place.

(Mellowing as he remembers exactly how that young lady spent her time examining his assets) Well, I suppose someone's got to do it.

(Jaunty, as he remembers where he hid her address) Here give me that pad and pencil!

(Goes off to the Library, whistling a happy tune)

[qG]
It's still my birthday today *sigh*

Of course, and let me be the first to celebrate this with you!
[produces a huge bunch of red roses while steadily massageing the queens ... arrr... shoulders]
Let's make your eighteenth birthday a day to remember

[qG]
Thank you
*sighs*

Come, let's party?