|So Long, And Thanks For Laughing|
Cleanliness Is Next To Godliness
A pastor, apparently fed up with all the excuses given over the years to why people don't go to church, included this list in the Sunday bulletin.
TEN REASONS WHY I NEVER WASH:
- I was forced to as a child.
- People who wash are hypocrites -- they think they are cleaner than
- There are so many different kinds of soap, I can't decide which is
- I used to wash, but I got bored and stopped.
- I wash only on special occasions, like Christmas and Easter.
- None of my friends wash.
- I'll start washing when I get older and dirtier.
- I can't spare the time.
- The bathroom is never warm enough in winter or cool enough in
- People who make soap are only after your money.
Children At Church
When a girl was about four years old, she still had a hard
time grasping the concept of marriage. So her father pulled out our wedding album, thinking visual images would help, and explained the entire service to her. Once finished, he asked if she had any questions, and she replied, "Oh. I see. Is that when Mummy came to work for us?"
At the beginning of a children's sermon, one girl came up to the
altar wearing a beautiful dress. As the children are sitting down
around the pastor, the pastor leans over and says to the girl,
"That is a very pretty dress. Is it your Easter dress?" The girl
replies almost directly into the pastor's clip-on mike,
"Yes. My Mum says it's a bitch to iron."
A father had been teaching my three-year-old daughter the
Lord's Prayer. For several evenings at bedtime she repeated it. One night she said she was ready to solo. Her father listened with pride as she carefully enunciated each word, right up to the end of the prayer. "Lead us not into temptation," she prayed, "but deliver us some e-mail. Amen."
FMC member Pastor Stan Holdeman of Garden Baptist Church in Indiana went to an informal church gathering, wearing shorts and a T-shirt. A little girl from a newly religious family; who had seen him only in his Sunday morning suits loudly proclaimed: "Hey, preacher, you sure look different with clothes on!"
One Sunday, in a Midwest city, a young child was "acting up" during the morning worship hour. The parents did their best to maintain some sense of order in the pew but were losing the battle. Finally, the father picked the little fellow up and walked sternly up the aisle toward the exit.
Just before reaching the safety of the foyer, the little one called
loudly to the congregation
"Pray for me! Pray for me!"
After church one Sunday morning, a mother commented: "The choir
was awful this morning." The father commented: "The sermon was
Their 7-yr. old daughter added: "You've got to admit
it was a pretty good show for 50p."
Comments Never Heard At Church
- Hey! It's my turn to sit in the front pew.
- I was so enthralled, I never noticed your sermon went 25 minutes over time.
- Personally I find witnessing much more enjoyable than golf.
- I've decided to give our church the $500 a month I used to send to TV evangelists.
- I volunteer to be the permanent teacher for the Junior High Sunday School class.
- Forget the denominational minimum salary, let's pay our pastor so he can live like we do.
- I love it when we sing hymns I've never heard before!
- Since we're all here, let's start the service early.
- Pastor, we'd like to send you to this Bible seminar in the Bahamas.
- Nothing inspires me and strengthens my commitment like our annual stewardship campaign!
|So Long, And Thanks For Laughing|