Church Jokes - Part II

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So Long, And Thanks For Laughing

Biblical Bloopers from Sunday School Students:

A vision of Hell

Old Testament

  • In the first book of the Bible, Guinessis, the Lord got tired of
    creating the world, so he took the Sabbath off.
  • Adam & Eve were created from an apple tree.
  • Noah's wife was called Joan of Ark.
  • Noah built the ark and the animals came on in pears.
  • Lot's wife was a pillar of salt by day, but a ball of fire by night.
  • The Jews were a proud people and throughout history they had
    trouble with unsympathetic Genitals.
  • Sampson was a strongman who let himself be led astray by a
    jezebel like Delilah.
  • Sampson slated the Philistines with the axe of apostles.
  • Moses led the Hebrews to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened
    bread, which is bread made without any ingredients.
  • Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the Ten Amendments.
  • The First commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple.
  • The Fifth Commandment is humour thy mother and father.
  • The Seventh Commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery.
  • Moses died before he ever reached the UK. Then Joshua led the
    Hebrews in the Battle of Geritol.
  • The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to
    stand still and he obeyed him.
  • David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. He fought with the Finkelsteins, a race of people who lived in the biblical times.
  • Solomon, one of David's sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.

New Testament

Mary & Jesus
  • When the three wise guys from the East Side arrived, they found
    Jesus- in the manager. Jesus was born because Mary had an
    emaculate contraption.
  • St. John, the Blacksmith, dumped water on his head.
  • Jesus enunciated the Golden Rule, which says to do one to others
    before they do one to you. He also explained, "Man doth not live by
    sweat alone."
  • It was a miracle when Jesus rose from the dead and managed to
    get the tombstone off the entrance.
  • The people who followed the Lord were called the 12 decibels.
  • A Christian should have only one wife. This is called monotony.
  • The epistles were the wives of the apostles.
  • One of the opossums was St. Matthew, who was by profession a
  • When Mary heard that she was the Mother of Jesus, she sang the
    Magna Carta.
  • St. Paul cavorted to Christianity. He preached holy acrimony, which is another name for marriage.

Real Signs On Church Property

Jonah and the whale
  • Free Trip to heaven.
    Details Inside!
  • Try our Sundays.
    They are better than Baskin-Robbins.
  • Searching for a new look?
    Have your faith lifted here!
  • An ad for St.Joseph's Episcopal Church has a picture of two hands
    holding stone tablets on which the Ten Commandments are inscribed
    & a headline that reads: "For fast, fast relief, take two
  • When the restaurant next to the Lutheran Church put out a big
    sign with red letters that said, "Open Sundays."
    The church
    reciprocated with its own message: "We are open on Sundays, too."
  • Have trouble sleeping?
    We have sermons - come hear one!
  • A singing group called "The Resurrection" was scheduled to sing
    at a church. When a big snowstorm postponed the performance, the
    pastor fixed the outside sign to read, "The Resurrection is
  • People are like tea bags
    You have to put them in hot water before
    you know how strong they are.
  • God so loved the world that he did not send a committee.
  • Come in and pray today.
    Beat the Christmas rush!
  • When down in the mouth, remember Jonah.
    He came out alright.
  • Sign broken.
    Message inside this Sunday.
  • Fight truth decay
    study the Bible daily.
  • How will you spend eternity
    Smoking or Nonsmoking?
  • Dusty Bibles lead to Dirty Lives.
  • A teddy bear dressed as a priest
  • Come work for the Lord. The work is hard, the hours are long and
    the pay is low. But the retirement benefits are out of this
  • It is unlikely there'll be a reduction in the wages of sin.
  • Do not wait for the hearse to take you to church.
  • If you're headed in the wrong direction, God allows U-turns.
  • If you don't like the way you were born, try being born again.
  • Looking at the way some people live, they ought to obtain eternal
    fire insurance soon.
  • This is a CH_ _ CH. What is missing?"

    U R
  • Forbidden fruit creates many jams.
  • In the dark?
    Follow the Son.
  • Running low on faith?
    Stop in for a fill-up.
  • If you can't sleep, don't count sheep.
    Talk to the Shepherd.
So Long, And Thanks For Laughing

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