Church Jokes - Part III
Created | Updated Feb 5, 2010
| So Long, And Thanks For Laughing |
Actual Bloopers From Church Bulletins
The following are actual statements seen on various church bulletins:Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles, and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
The outreach committee has enlisted 25 visitors to make calls on people who are not afflicted with any church.
The Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done.
Evening massage - 6 p.m.
The Pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday morning.
The audience is asked to remain seated until the end of the recession.
Low Self-esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 to 8:30 p.m. Please use the back door.
Ushers will eat latecomers.
The third verse of Blessed Assurance will be sung without musical accomplishment.
For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
The Rev. Merriwether spoke briefly, much to the delight of the audience.
The pastor will preach his farewell message, after which the choir will sing, "Break Forth Into Joy."
During the absence of our pastor, we enjoyed the rare privilege of hearing a good sermon when J.F. Stubbs supplied our pulpit.
Next Sunday Mrs. Vinson will be soloist for the morning service. The pastor will then speak on "It's a Terrible Experience."
Due to the Rector's illness, Wednesday's healing services will bediscontinued until further notice.
Stewardship Offertory: "Jesus Paid It All"
Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.
The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the church basement on Friday at 7 p.m. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
The concert held in Fellowship Hall was a great success. Special thanks are due to the minister's daughter, who labored the whole evening at the piano, which as usual fell upon her.
22 members were present at the church meeting held at the home of Mrs. Marsha Crutchfield last evening. Mrs. Crutchfield and Mrs. Rankin sang a duet, The Lord Knows Why.
A songfest was hell at the Methodist church Wednesday.
Today's Sermon: HOW MUCH CAN A MAN DRINK? With hymns from a full choir.
Hymn 43: "Great God, What Do I See Here?"
Preacher: The Rev. Horace Blodgett
Hymn 47: "Hark! An Awful Voice Is Sounding"
On a church bulletin during the minister's illness: GOD IS GOOD.
Dr. Hargreaves is better.
Potluck supper: prayer and medication to follow.
Don't let worry kill you off - let the church help.
The 1997 Spring Council Retreat will be hell May 10 and 11.
Pastor is on vacation. Massages can be given to church secretary.
8 new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
The choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning to join the choir
Weight Watchers will meet at 7 p.m. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
Bunch of Church Laughs
Over the massive front doors of a church, these words were inscribed:
"The Gate of Heaven." Below that was a small cardboard sign which read:
"Please use other entrance."
The Rev. Warren J. Keating, pastor of the First Presbyterian Church of Yuma, Ariz., says that the best prayer he ever heard was:
"Lord, please make me the kind of person my dog thinks I am."
A Sunday School teacher asked her class why Joseph and Mary took Jesus with them to Jerusalem. A young girl answered: "Because they couldn't get a baby sitter."
A woman went to the Post Office to buy stamps for her Christmas cards.
"What denomination?" asked the clerk. "Oh, good heavens! Have we come to this?" said the woman. "Well, give me 50 Baptist and 50 Catholic ones."
Pastor: "This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Johnson to come
forward and lay an egg on the altar."
During a children's sermon, the Rev. Larry Eisenberg asked the children what "Amen" means.
A little boy raised his hand and said: "It means - 'Tha-tha-tha-that's all folks!' "
I was at the beach with my children when my 4-year-old son ran up to me, grabbed my hand, and led me to the shore, where a sea gull lay dead in the sand.
"Mummy, what happened to him?" the little boy asked. "He died and went to heaven," I replied.
My son thought a moment and then said, "And God threw him back down?"
A friend was in front of me coming out of church one day, and as
always the preacher was standing at the door shaking hands as the
congregation departed. He grabbed my friend by the hand and pulled him aside.
The Pastor said to him, "You need to join the Army of the Lord!" My friend replied, "I'm already in the Army of the Lord, Pastor."
The Pastor questioned, "How come I don't see you except for Christmas and Easter?"
He whispered back, "I'm in the secret service."
My wife invited some people to dinner. At the table, she turned to our 6-year-old daughter and said, "Would you like to say the blessing?" I wouldn't know what to say," she replied. "Just say what you hear Mummy say," my wife said.
Our daughter bowed her head and said: "Dear Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?"
The church was celebrating Communion. During the "children's sermon", the minister was talking about Communion and what it is all about.
"The Bible talks of Holy Communion being a 'joyful feast'. What does that mean? Well, 'joyful' means happy, right?
And a feast is a meal. So a 'joyful feast' is a happy meal. And what are the three things we need for a happy meal?"
Little Johnny put up his hand and said, "Hamburger, fries, and a regular soft drink?"
A man was stranded on the proverbial deserted Pacific island for years. Finally one day a boat comes sailing into view, and the man frantically waves and got the skipper's attention. The boat comes near the island, and the sailor gets out and greets the stranded man.
After a while the sailor asks, "What are those three huts you have here?"
"Well, that's my house there."
"What's that next hut?" asks the sailor.
"I built that hut to be my church."
"What about the other hut?"
"Oh, that's where I used to go to church."
| So Long, And Thanks For Laughing |
