Showers And Toilets

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Back to So Long And Thanks For Laughing

How To Shower Like a Woman:

Ladies in a bath
  1. Take off the fourteen layers of clothing you slept in because there was a distinct chill in the air at bedtime due to the temperature having dropped below 70 degrees.
  2. Walk to the bathroom wearing a long robe and a towel on your head. If you see your boyfriend/husband along the way, cover up any exposed flesh immediately, ignore his juvenile turban jokes, and then rush to bathroom.
  3. Turn on the hot water only and let run.
  4. Look at your womanly figure in the mirror and stick out your gut so that you can complain and whine even more about how you're getting fat.
  5. Get in the shower, once you have found it through all that steam, and adjust the water to a temperature slightly below it's boiling point.
  6. Look for face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone.
  7. Wash your hair with Cucumber and Lamfrey shampoo with 83 added vitamins.
  8. Rinse.
  9. Wash your hair again with Cucumber and Lamfrey shampoo with 83 added vitamins.
  10. Rinse.
  11. Wash your hair once more with Cucumber and Lamfrey shampoo with 83 added vitamins.
  12. Rinse.
  13. Condition your hair with Cucumber and Lamfrey conditioner enhanced with natural crocus oil. Leave on hair for fifteen minutes.
  14. Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for ten minutes until red raw.
  15. Wash entire rest of body with Ginger Nut and Jaffa Cake body wash.
  16. Complain bitterly when you realize that your boyfriend/husband has once again been eating your Ginger Nut and Jaffa Cake body wash.
  17. Rinse conditioner off hair (this takes at least fifteen minutes, as you must make sure that it has all come off).
  18. Debate shaving armpits and legs and decide that you can't be bothered, and anyway, the hair helps keep you warm.
  19. Slick hair back and pretend you're like Bo Derek in 10.
  20. Scream loudly when your boyfriend/husband flushes the toilet and you get a rush of cold water.
  21. Turn hot water on full and rinse off.
  22. Dry with a towel the size of a small African country.
  23. Check entire body for the remotest sign of a spot. Attack with nails/tweezers if found.
  24. Return to bedroom wearing long robe and towel on head. If you see your boyfriend/husband along the way, cover up any exposed flesh immediately, ignore his juvenile turban jokes, and then rush to bedroom.

How To Shower Like a Man:

A man taking a shower with his pants on
  1. If you wore clothes to bed last night, take them off while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile on the floor.
  2. Walk to bathroom wearing a towel. If you see your girlfriend/wife along the way, flash her.
  3. Look at your manly physique in the mirror and suck in your gut to see if you have pecs.
  4. Turn on the water.
  5. Check quickly for pecs again.
  6. Get in the shower.
  7. Don't bother to look for a washcloth. (you don't use one)
  8. Wash your face.
  9. Wash your armpits.
  10. Wash your ass.
  11. Shampoo your hair. (but do not use conditioner)
  12. Make a shampoo Mohawk.
  13. Open the door and look at yourself in the mirror.
  14. Pee
  15. Rinse off and get out of the shower.
  16. Return to the bedroom wearing a towel. If you pass your girlfriend/wife, flash her.

A Woman's Strategy for Going to the Toilet:

Toilet paper
  1. Enter the toilet, and start checking each stall, but do NOT check the first one, first one is bad luck, even if tests prove that it's always the cleanest. Look to see what stall is the nicest looking, deciding only after checking every available stall.
  2. Decide which is the cleanest stall, and try to get to it before that other bitch who entered when you did.
  3. Mutter "Slut" under breath, when she grabs the stall you wanted, and make a run for the one you wanted, or that skank who entered after you will get it.
  4. Hang jacket and purse on hooks on door.
  5. Take some toilet paper and wipe the seat, pretending you can wipe off all germs.
  6. Line toilet seat with toilet paper! Germs are bad!
  7. Start to take off all layers of required clothing, be sure nothing rests on the ground! Use all other hooks available if needed.
  8. Sit down on toilet seat very lightly, as not to disturb layer of paper between you and the seat. Germs are bad!
  9. Relax and let the flow go, but make sure your still sitting lightly, because the paper on the seat can't move, or you'll get germs!
  10. Start to dispense the required amount of toilet paper from the roll. Fold into neat rectangle, and wipe all drips, very careful to not get germs from the seat!
  11. Toss soiled toilet paper into toilet while standing up, watch out for the germs!
  12. Start to put back on the 27 layers of clothing you were wearing, make sure it looks exactly like it did when you entered bathroom.
  13. Put all toilet paper lining seat into toilet.
  14. Flush.
  15. Grab jacket and purse while unlocking door.
  16. Walk to sink, and turn on tap.
  17. Put hands under running water for at least 10 seconds.
  18. Lather up with lots of soap, and be sure to get anywhere on hands that was exposed to germs!
  19. Rinse soap off hands under water for another 10 seconds.
  20. Look for paper towel, if there is none, mumble under breath, and stick hands under blow dryer for 4 minutes. NEVER WIPE HANDS ON CLOTHING! Make your move to counter/mirror section.
  21. Put jacket to side, blocking that skank who was trying to get your stall from coming next to you, and make sure your as far away as possible from that bitch who took your stall.
  22. Scoff at the way the bitch who took your stall looks. Her make-up is all wrong!
  23. Spread out contents of purse on counter.
  24. Touch up already perfect make-up, for no reason, be sure to take at least 2 minutes doing this.
  25. Organize objects when putting back in purse, a messy purse is bad!
  26. Put on jacket, laugh to self at that skank who wanted your stall her clothes are gross.
  27. Kiss the bathroom mirror for no apparent reason, and regret that you had to enter alone.
  28. Walk out of the loo, tossing head at the skank who is still putting make-up on, and make sure you gasp when the bitch who took your stall scoffs at you.
  29. Find boyfriend outside, wonder how he gets done so fast ... You were really quick this time!

A Man's Strategy for Going to the Toilet:

Men going to the loo
  1. Walk slowly and proudly up to the WC, make sure everyone knows that is where you are headed.
  2. Enter the toilet, and quickly check out the whole room
  3. Look for the right urinal. This is how to pick your urinal: There must be at least one urinal between you and the next closest person (on either side) to you, if this is not available, take the urinal next to the wall, beside a 'safe looking' male. If this is also not available, glance at stalls, or leave bathroom, and return later, to get the right spot.
  4. If proper urinal is available, approach urinal swiftly, looking straight ahead, never turning eyes or head. Another approach is to look at the floor, feet are always good as well.
  5. Undo pants, relieve yourself as quickly as possible, keep head looking down (or eyes closed and head held looking up) this way no one will think you are trying to check them out.
  6. Shake it off, put it back in your pants.
    • Note Steps 7 and 8 are optional, but recommended.
  7. Wash hands.
  8. Attempt to dry hands. Look to see if a blow dryer or paper towel dispenser is close by. If not, your clothes will do just fine as a towel.
  9. Exit lav, do NOT look back, you didn't forget anything.
  10. Check to see if your female companion has exited the bathroom before you, although highly unlikely, you must check anyway.
  11. Wait patiently for her return, remember to NOT say things like, "Wow, what took you so long."
So Long, And Thanks For Laughing

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