h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

A reply! I can scarcely conceive it!
(though I`m very glad to receive it)
Metal Chicken, I knew
It was going to be you
Well I`m psychic (you`d better believe it!)

Being psychic sure must be a skill
Reading the thoughts of others quite at will
In chess you would lead
You'd your opponants mind read
And at hangman you'd be better still .

Well OK, I`ll admit it`s an art
that sometimes gives me a head start,
though whatever I choose
I invariably lose
For really,I`m not very smart!

You don't have to be smart to win
Just try from the time you begin
To put the guy off
Develop a cough,
Try sneezing or some other din.

For the art of others to beat
Is to try when the battle's at heat
To go for glory
By means that aren't gory -
My advice to you is to cheat!

Somehow, that doesn`t sound wise,
could result in a nasty surprise
In our Poker schools
the bending of rules
can end in an early demise!

But I`ll give it a go, and just see
if it brings success round to me
And if I get caught out
as I will be ,no doubt
Well, the hospital treatment is free!!

Free stuff is worth what it costs
But at least you'll not suffer loss
From your monetary source
When you feel the force
Its time to get up and floss

Why is it that dentists all natter,
when surely the truth of the matter
Is a mouth full of prongs
and needles and tongs
is hardly condusive to chatter.

For a chat in the chair I'm unwilling
When I have to go in for a filling
The problem you see
Is not him talking to me -
I'm usually put off by the drilling!

Dentists and drills make me cringe
But I'd rather not sit here and whinge
So, on the positive side
I'll not run and hide
It's a damned good excuse for a binge

I`ll join you if that is OK
I`ve been wanting a tipple all day
Make a start with some ale,
then the real Holy Grail
Laphroaig, from the Isle of Islay!!

Just a snifter that's all that that I ask
In a 1 inch thick 10 gallon glass
much more and I fear
I'll be leaving from here
Not on my feet, but my ....















... bus pass

After all that I've been through today
I'm sure it must be time to play.
Can you please fill my glass?
I'm a reet thirsty lass
And if it makes any difference - I'll pay

You won`t need your money in here
Free samples for everyone, dear
(for samples read plenty)
drink `til all`s empty
Though I doubt that we`ll finish the beer!

In the juke box I'll put a pound
And we'll get down to my favourite sound
The Beatles, The Stones?
Radiohead, The Ramones?
Or this album by Travis I've found?

If you found 'em they can't be invisible
Which makes the album title derisable
Their songs are quite good
when you're in the mood
For something just this side of Terrible

Aha - a critic I think we have found
Whose subject appears to be sound.
Well I don't want the history
Of the grounds of your Travis-ty
As the bar's open and I'm sure it's your round.

Well said!, and might I add
Your choices wern`t all that bad
After all, `twas your pound,
so you pick the sound
(Just turn down the volume a tad!)

The choices were fine and high brow
Which is why I am wondering how
a slip of the thumb
hit on track number 1
that fab 80's hit from T'pau

As Heart and Soul plays in my ears,
I'm in a timewarp it appears.
This 80's incision,
Demands our derision,
I'll put on some ROCK for my peers.

This Rock appears to be quite good,
I never heard this back in the hood.
But I think I'd prefer
The charm and allure
Of the band that used to be called Mud.