h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

*Finds her specs and shoves them onto her face. Starts to stand up and thumps her head solidly on the underside of the table. Hits the floor and loses her specs. Begins searching for them frantically.*

*Consumes a spillage and toad-in-the-hole as the tension ratchets up to leg jiggling intensity*

***To describe a pain as 'indescribable' rather defeats the purpose of a written record such as this. To use words such as excruciating or agonising to describe a pain illustrates only the poverty of the writers vocabulary. I can only tell you that as P permitted an amused, wry, smile at M-r's predicament to pass across his lugubrious features, as he sank deep into his seat, at that that very moment several hedgehog spines simultaneously sank deeply into his gluteus maximus, he felt suddenly, totally unexpectedly, the greatest pain that he, in his long long life, had ever felt. An unspeakable torment filled his whole rear end. Such shock. Such agony. He spoke.***

AAAAAAAAaaaaaaRRRRRRRRrrrrrrGGGGGGgggggHHHHHHhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!

mmf

MMMFFFFF!

*icky dissolves into fits of laughter*

I may not have the eloquence of P, but I know funny when I see it

*Hears a sudden roar come from the leather chair. Finally finds her specs and shoves them on. Despite kneeling in the sticky accumulated goo under the table, a throbbing lump at the back of her head and the oily smears across her specs she is vastly entertained ... no, strike that. She is hugely delighted to see... no no no. She is distraught to discover Pheroneous leaping up and swatting at his nether region while turning in circles and yelling. Wisely, she stays under the table as it provides some protection from his antics.*

*is agog at what she has wrought*
*had not thought through the consequences*
*displayed poor impulse control*
*would do it again in a heartbeat*

*Out of sight of Ph ...*
Nice one, Lil!

*Runs to the nearest payphone and dials up the RSPCA...*

Send Rolf Harris! Quick!!!!

***Tears streaming down his cheeks, P runs around in ever-decreasing circles, sobbing, and clawing at his rear. Finally he gets a grip of something, pulls it away from his pain-racked posterior, and lifts it to his streaming eyes...***

Its... sob... a.... sob... hedge... sob... hog...

**and then, holding it up, and suddenly alert, oblivious both to the pain and to the fact that his now red-stained underwear is at his ankles**

A HEDGEHOG !!!! A HEDGEHOG????

Look, I think it likes you.

***Turns to face Lil***

Lil!! How exactly did this 'Creature' get in my...

***Realises extent of naked P facing Lil. Grabs at underwear. Trips. Hedgehog goes flying. Pulls up long Johns. Hedgehog lands on back of Mari-Rae's head. On her Bun. Making her look like a cottage loaf!. Realises extent of Long John gape. Points at Munchkin***

Munchkin was it you?? That handily hid the hedgehog??

***Dives for safety of armchair, and corduroys.***

Sob... sob...

***Sobs quietly. In great distress.***

*Silently offers Pheroneous a bottle of aftershave. Also offers mari-rae the fire-tongs. Shrugs, and approaches the bar.*

Well, no-one can say I didn't try to help ... another , if you please ... to get over the shock ....

*Slowly and painfully Munchkin finally realises his vice like grip of a pump as he calms down having just witnessed the worst thing of his life. Seeing P. sit on a hedgehog wasn't very pleasent either. Looks somewhat confusedly at Kes, his barman skills having hid in the far corners of his brain along with the rest of his concious mind.*
Huh?

* She can feel the traumatized hedgehog has turned itself into a ball up there on her head, but it is also gripping her hair. She ineffectually tries to grip it with the firetongs, but the tongs are much too long. She gives up on it and decides to let the hedgehog come down when it wants to. She hopes that will be soon, because it smells funny.

Instead, walking very rigidly, she uses the tongs to pick up Pheroneous's discarded torn and bloody underwear and puts them into the fire. They begin to smolder. Soon the entire Snug smells funny.*

*Peers through the foul smoke at the immobile barsteward.*

A pint of , please .... if it's not too much trouble ... on the slate ....

*awakens at the indication of credit*

Slate? does that meen we can have on credit? Ooohhh
I Can't See! Where'd Everybody go?

Slate? ... Am I in Wales again? ... ... That would be nice, thankyou.

sob... sob... sob...

**Takes aftershave, pours a goodly portion into palm and sticks hand down back of corduroys and splashes it on all over the throbbing rump in the sure and certain knowledge that Kes would intend him no harm.**

squeal... squeal... yelp... stifled scream... (Tears now pour down cheeks - not 'those' cheeks)