h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

*feeling terribly guilty, Lil puts some money on the counter, pours a shot of Glenlivet, and takes it over to Pheroneous*

This is to drink.

Unlike the aftershave!

Glenlivet? ... Something about that ... comes from the optic ... in the glass ... to the ... umm ... customer and then ... I get ... paid! Oi aren't you going to pay for that? And what is this terrible mess in my glass? And why is it so fuggy in here? Have I missed something?

**recovering**

(Gulp) Lil, you are a true asteroid. And a friend. Could you imagine that anyone would be so cruel, so malicious, so ... words fail me, as to put a hedgehog in a chap's drawers??? And after you had washed and ironed 'em so nice an' all. Thanks again Lil.

**Proffers glass for refill***

*realising that the smoke has obscured the surface of the counter, Lil hastily scoops up her change and puts it in the barkeep's hand*

Uh right. I'll wash this glass. *takes the glass from Pheroneous and retreats*

*Rubs change warmly in palm of hands in the manner of Chinese worry balls. Sort of Scottish worry coins really. Gets the peanut card from behind the bar and begins to wave it, woffer board style, to attempt to clear the fub from the room and see what he has missed while in his happy place*

Oops, woofer, not woffer.

*uncurling slightly* I have a mind to report you all to the RSPCA. What do you think I am, a ferret?

*jumps off mari-rae's head and skitters up to the bar* I'm the one should be having that whiskey. There I was one minute, having a nice winter kip, and next thing... *darkly* it don't bear thinking about.

*looks beseechingly at barkeep* Can I have a bit of brandy? Help me get back to sleep and all?

Now that is impressive. Who is the ventriloquist here then? And I'm afraid I cannot serve your hedgehog friend, he is definately underage.

In which case, I'd better take that brandy *grab* ... and could you get a saucer of milk for the little spiky fellow here?

Thank you! .... Just charge it to Rolf Harris's account ....

*Drinks half the brandy, pours the rest into the saucer of milk while M isn't looking, and winks at Arnie.*

Munch ..... how about opening a couple of windows so the smoke can clear? I can't see who's whimpering in the corner over there ....

*feeling even more guilty because of her parlous treatment of a defenceless hedgehog, Lil sneaks a bit more brandy into the saucer of milk*

*Ignores the obviously drunk hedgehog and struggles manfully with a window for at least thirty seconds.*
Nope, shut tight. Tell you what.
*Proceeds to open the door and wedge an old sausage roll under it. The light of outside steams in for at least an inch before being swallowed up by the gloom.*

*Wonders if Arnie had fleas, because her head itches now.*

I'd like a brandy too, please. I have been as severely traumatized as others here, I'd like to point out. I am in shock and feel out of sorts. My head hurts.. like this: and my scalp itches... *pauses and scratches* ... and my specs are bent too. But I'm not crying about it. I just think that a bit of brandy might be in order. Or two.

*Looks around in hopes that everyone is going to feel sorry for her now and stand her drinks....*

*Several fleas return to their former host. Lacking funds, Kes offers mari-rae a straw and points at the saucer of milk.*

I don't think Arnie will mind sharing ....

Oi! No sharing of drinks! I have to make a living you know, and if you are using the heat the most you could do is at least have a drink each.

Heat? Can I put a on the fire?

I'll even get a round in!

For a round, you can do anything you damn well please, as long as it does not contravene the rules of course.

Right

* heaves a onto the fire where it start to crackle and a nice pine smell fills the room*

Well I shal have a I think, anybody else?

Does that cover everybody? I must say, these new pine scented plastic trees certainly do what it says on the tin.

*nurses *