h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

*stands by door with large wooden stick*
Erm, I'll just guard the door incase any items of clothing shouldd decide to do a Youngs Ones and escape....

Hmmm, Munchkin, could I borrow a pair them from the line? My homebrew's been needing a touch of something 'extra'
Hmm, Icky's Old Pant Boiler brew, I think I could be onto something here!

Feel free. These puce y-fronts are getting a bit threadbare now, will they do you?

Hmmmm

Short impart an interesting flavour and colouring to the brew.

So, would you be interested in stocking my new brew? Bound to be a good sales move, I assure you. I would offer it on a sale-or-return basis, but to be honest I think a sale-or-chuck-it-in-the-canal basis would be more honest.

Sale or return? Your on. Considering my usual volume of trade shall we say ten pints a week?

Yep.

And how many do you want for the customers?

Umm, shall we say the same for them, they are never very adventurous.

canal water.. mmmmm

*Turns bright pink watching Pheroneous. Sits up and polishes her glasses, but they drop to the floor and she accidently steps on them. *

B****R!!!!

**Finally finishes unbuttoning the few buttons that remain on his long-johns, lets them slip to the floor. His modesty covered by the remains of a string vest with less holes in it than it should have, he picks up his underwear with the proffered tongs, and flips them, with surprising artistry, over to Munchkin's laundry basket.**

I want'em properly starched, mind, young laundry maid.

**Turns and bends over to lift battered corduroys, forgetting that by so doing he is revealing to the assembled company not just a pair of well honed calfs but also a large expanse of what can only be called hairy rump. Turns back to motley crew, who seem to be well-blanched for some reason.**

Tell me, Mari-Rae, apropos of nothing in particular, if I were considering taking a comely wench in wedlock (Winks, with leer, at Lil) but wished to continue my career as an elderly lothario with ambitions of a life in crime, would you have any advice to offer??

Ummm ... errr ... Starch you say? ... Lil, any more of that Portland stuff?

*riveted*

*Waves hand in front of Lil's face, but no reponse is forthcoming*
Not to worry, I'll get it myself.
*Heads off into the kitchen*

Munchkin, anychance of a few stiff drinks at this end of the bar? things are getting all a bit to scary for this lass

*Hurries back out of the kitchen, trailing a grey dust on his shoes and with a paisley sock hanging from his shirt pocket*

*comes out of shock and grabs one of the s from the counter*

Sheesh! Munchers, have you got any errands I could run... in Chicago?

Well, I do have a Mr. Nitty awaiting a delivery. How are you with a To... Ah umm, perhaps not. I think the terrace needs a sweep though.

(A little nonplussed by the looks of horror and pale white faces, and wondering why anyone should want to scurry away from this nice place, wanders over to the window)

Nice moon tonight!

(Wanders over to bar)

Wouldn't mind a large stiff one myself, Munchers old chap.

I think we could all do with one rightly.

Fake beams? Fake Beams!
Sounds just right. Spesh'ly if you paint them black.

Pheroneous, are trousers really unknown territory for you?

*returns from the terraces looking innocent*

I've finished the sweeping and the exercise did me a world of good. I'll go get the laundry out of the dryer, shall I?

*goes quickly behind the counter into the back room*