Roving Reporter: Church of the True Brownie

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The Roving Reporter

Each week, The Roving Reporter profiles one of the many delightful meeting places that thrive in our community, from pubs and caf├ęs, to churches and parks, or on occasion, presents a series of Quick Picks, pointing out some of the little gems and unique out-of-the-way locations.

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Church of the True Brownie

This week we have a tasty visit to the Church of the True Brownie, under the guidance of Archbishop Marv the Grate.

And the light did blinketh, and the timer did sound upon the land, and the
people did watch as the oven was open'd and the brownie descended. And
the brownie did say 'I come to you to bring unto the masses true
happiness'. And the people did eat the brownie's flesh, and they did lick the
brownie's frosting. And it was good.

- from the Book of Brownie

If you are ready to embrace the goodness of the chocolate, and wish to worship and partake of The Brownie, then it's time to bring your glass of milk and your official eating implement, the Spork (foon), over to the Church of the True Brownie (CotTB) and become one with the rich fudge.

If you become fully converted, you may even become one of the acolytes (or chocolytes) of the Church, which began in October, 1999, and now has a very large and quite active membership.

If you already belong to another religious group, you don't need to give it up to become a member of the CotTB -- the church's teachings allow many paths to enlightenment (as long as you partake of the Brownie while following the path). Even though they do have a confessional, the teachings of the church are also quite simple and have very few rules -- about the only sins in this church seem to be:

  • Not partaking of the Brownie
  • Claiming that a Blondie is a Brownie

And remember, if you do commit a sin in this church, you can obtain absolution by merely saying five Hail Brownies.

The Ten Suggestions
  1. There should not be any Blonde Brownies
  2. There can be nuts in and on your Brownie
  3. You should put chocolate sprinkles on your Brownie
  4. Share and Enjoy
  5. Respect all Brownies, as they are good for nutrition and well being
  6. Please try not to add ingrediants that detract from the unadulterated goodness of the Brownie
  7. Frosting, good. Nuff said
  8. Fruit is not reccomended
  9. Beer, while always good usually goes not well with the Brownies
  10. Try not to swim right after consuming Brownies

Marv the Grate, Archbishop

Splinter Groups

At one point, a small subset of the CotTB was formed called 'Brownie Lite', which followed the teachings of the Church of the True Brownie, but in a low-fat, low-calorie way. This group has had some following, but has not been fully embraced by orthodox Brownieists, who seem to believe that the light of the True Brownie has nothing to do with 'Lite'.

Another full religion was spawned from the CotTB earlier this year called The Church of the True Weevil. While this church claims to have been 'inspired' by the CotTB, there is some speculation that it may have had more to do with a rather unsavory incident in which a high Brownie official used her powers to 'smite' a weevil. Such incidents of martyrdom often inspire new religions.

Brownie Controversies

In one of the darker moments of the church's history (and we're not talking semi-sweet here), the sacred fudge was stolen, and the members were unable to partake of the Brownie. Fortunately, the fudge was recovered, and everyone ate Brownies again. The all-important Recipe is always kept in a safe place, so while ingredients and brownies may be stolen, the Brownie can always be prepared by the church faithful.

Recently, an accusation was made that some of the Brownies may have contained an illicit substance, and the h2g2 police actually seized a pan of brownies -- an action that enraged many of the church members. These brownies were taken to Crater Labs, Inc. for extensive testing, interrupted temporarily by a storming of the labs by some of the CotTB leaders. The brownies passed the tests and were returned, although it was never made completely clear just what the illicit substance might have been, nor what substances might be in the Brownies normally. In the course of the testing, one of the brownies, after experiencing severe mold and accidentally being stepped on, developed a form of sentience, and this crepuscular brownie is now recuperating from its injuries at the home of The Celery. Its future fate is unclear.

Fire and Elephants: Brownie Adventures








(contributions welcome)

Flyers passed out by church members on their quest.

Fueled by the goodness of the Brownie, members of the church seem to enjoy going on adventures, usually accompanied by Emma, Humungous and Futon -- their pachydermal companions -- and the constant pyromania of Bluebottle. These adventures have been wild and sometimes bizarre, perhaps leading to some of the speculation about what exactly is in these Brownies.

The primary adventure taken by the CotTB church members has been the crusade in search of the Ark of the Brownie. After finding a mysterious map with an 'X', they set off to find the holy Ark. Along the way, they have spread the word of the Brownie (while partaking of the Brownie, of course). This journey has taken them through a long tunnel under the Alps leading to Switzerland, and to a Dark Gothic Manthion (Mansion), including a foray past the 'door behind the bookcase'. Currently, the members are on an Elephant Trek, involving a Dragon, Satan, and lightning.

So come to the Church of the True Brownie -- for adventure, enlightenment, and most importantly -- Brownies!

*picks up spork and takes a big bite*

Mmmmmmm..... Brownie....

- Redbeard

For a list of links to clubs, forums, h2g2 businesses and more,
check out the h2g2 Quick Reference Guide

For other features by the Roving Reporter, visit the Roving Reporter Archives.

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