h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Okay, helmsman, hold that course for the next couple of hours. And if Gwennie gets here before I get back make sure she doesn't touch anything. And I mean anything! Especially this red button!

*Saunters past ... nods to the helmsman. Fiddles with one of the ropes, brushes dust off white gloves. Checks the chronometer, and takes a sextant reading. Consults chart, deciding that a tiny course adjustment would be in order.*
Helmsman ... er, left hand down a teensy bit , eh? Jolly good!
*Strolls around*

*whispers to helmsman: That's quite allright. You may find him a bit strange (and who wouldn't?) but he *seems* to know what he's dealing with. So until otherwise proved let's just assume that he knows about navigation, okay?*

Ahoy there! Say, could you figure out the course to Christmas Island?

Ay ay Sir! Let me see ... *Rustles through the charts* Here! Right ...so our position is (mumble mumble) here! *marks point on chart* and Christmas Isalnd ....there .....*fiddles with dividers, parallel rulers etc* so we need a course of 172 degrees ...that's magnetic, of course, and then there's the wind ...the continental drift, the length of the piece of string ...and the angle of the dangle ... which, in terms of a change of course would be .... er..

Left hand up a bit, Helmsman! ...bit more ... now, steady as she goes!

You know, we *could* start up the double-head-twin-boosters and activate the space-jump-hyper-time-coordinate-finders

- but it's much nicer this way, don't you think?

Yes, and besides ... I never push the red buttons!

That's a *very* good idea!

Helmsman! The wind has backed slightly, so could you turn that wheel thing and bring the pointy end a bit more to the side with the green lights? ...Bit more ...that's it!

*Barges onto the Bridge in search of Pierce and collides with Kes and a helmsmen*

Oops! Pardon me! I was looking for the Captain to let him know that I've installed myself in cabin 69. Oh my! Just look at all these shiny buttons! Oh! And a big red one! I just adore big red buttons!

*A glazed expression fixes itself over Gwennie's eyes as she starts to tremble and perspire* My mummy told me that ladies never "sweat", but instead "perspire"!

Horses sweat, *men* perspire - ladies jusy feel warm

*Takes another sextant reading, to confirm current latitude. As he does so, something glints in the eyepiece. He takes out a telescope, and scans the horizon in that region....*

Captain ... I think there are a couple of ships just on the horizon over there (indicates the starboard beam) .... upwind of us ... on the horizon makes them about 12 mautical miles away. D'you think we'd better have someone take a look from the crow's nest? I'd go myself if it weren't for the dizzy spells, you understand ....

Right. Second officer, see to it!

Second Officer? Where?

*Spins around to see if she can find one and only sees Kes*

Surely not...You didn't...Not HIM?

*Produces a large guffaw and leans on the nearest control panel for support as her sides split with laughter*

Oops!

I think that I just inadvertently pushed that nice big red button...

Well you of all people should know all about how warm us ladies feel, Pierce!

*red and blue lights start flashin all around as Gwennies touches the red button - all screens light up with warning signals and the intercom yells "Gwennie has done it again" through loudspeakers all over the ship*

Warm ladies, eh? Well, I'll warm a major part of you, lassie!

*grabs Gwennie, bends her over his knee and starts to spank her thoroughly with a bludgeon *

*Looking through telescope, oblivious to events on the bridge*
Cap'n ... One of those ships is coming over the horizon already. She's a three-master - all sails set. We can match her for speed, but she's to windward ... so do we fight or run for it?

Not to worry, matey - YP, the cannonneer has taken care of that now

*continues to spank Gwennie*

Gerroff! Stoppitt!

*In desperation, Gwennie sinks her teeth into Pierce's thigh and falls to the floor as the leaps to his feet and hops around in agony, falling onto a control panel where he manages to hit a few buttons that in turn set off more alarms and Tannoy announcements*

Hah! *Triumphant grin*

*The ship's Tannoy announces that the Cap'n is currently issuing double rations of grog to the crew on deck*

I say! While the crew is all on deck ... d'you think you could tell them that we're sailing into a fight? Sort of ...er.. give 'em a bit of a pep talk, and that sort of thing? Jolly good show!

Flint flies in through the doorway, lands on Pierce, poops, and picks at a note that is tied to his leg. The note is smeared a bit with paint that is still wet....

NOTE:
Hi Captain, sir! We are having up here in the Crow's Nest if you would like to join us. Oh, and there are a couple of ships out there too. They are getting closer.
xxx, mari-rae