h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

*there's a wheeze from the bed*

I may be voting for Peregrin but I'm very fond of DD.

thanks

How less candidates the more the chance I win.
DD go to sleep, you are ill, you should take it easy.

[Big Mad Mr T is wearing a suspiciously large pair of glasses housing an ill-concealed video camera]

I'm watching you, Alfredo. I've been briefed by Anne Robinson. We'll have no 'accidents' here - just you keep away from that bed.
Not that I'm implying anything.

what day is it?

I like DD too. He's a great mate - even if he can't spell Wight right, or rather he spells Wight Wright, and writes Wight Wright which ain't right.

hello can anyone hear me, where am I?

Tuesday, DD. Are you feeling any better?

*tries to sit up*

yes

*removes tube from throat*

Now that's better. So what happened?

*tips heap of tapes onto DD's bed*

Look at the tapes DD. I've got to dash. I need to find a biologist to help me with the results of the little walk in the forest I took the other night.

*shock* Hey look DD's up!
Great!

*shoves a microphone in DD's face*

Mr Drawer, do you have any accusations to make regarding the attempt on your life? Go on, tell us, who was it?

*DD presses pause on vcr*

I'm still reviewing the tapes. Bit there was a lot of activity just before I take the .

Was it Miss Scarlett in the lounge with the drainpipe?

Scarlett's in the right part of the spectrum. Some of the DNA found in the drink was previously unknown to science -- although it is the sort of thing that Crater Labs might create by 2012 if they aren't stopped.

How do you know those tapes are the originals? They might have been tampered with. I mean, look at *ME* in those tapes. I'm not that fat!

DD! It's good to see you recovering. Can I get you anything? Menza was here a while ago. Maybe he could get you a Guiness.

So, Amy you found some new DNA, huh? Crater Labs would indeed be interested in that. Probably came from the genetic modifications to the acorns that BB made some time ago. Mind if I take a sample?

Pierrot: Aaaaawwwk, Nuts to that.

I'm trying to think of something witty to say about DNA (linking it in with Douglas N Adams) but failing miserably.

I'll give you an update if anything springs to mind.

*has just run all the way from the F and F. Rushes in, sits on bed*

Hhhhhh, Hhhhhh, Hhhhhhh, splutter. Look what I found hidden in the grandfather clock.
*holds up empty bottle labelled "floor polish" covered in dusty fingerprints*
The polish went missing just after the incident ... and the bottle smells of bitter almonds.
*wonders if they serve drinks here. Catches breath*

Those acorns were a prop from the Bond film, a film which DD organised and ran, and indeed starred in. It should also be remembered that I was a good guy in "The Doughnuts Are Not Enough".