h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

For gushing can lead to gagging.
And projectile vomit while airborne is never a good idea. Colourful. But not good.

eeeeeewwww....!

:-0
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*giggles*
That was... graphic.

Anyway, when's the next flying lesson?

What I was wondering was, is it Doc John who was called for Zax?

3

JOTD: Circular Definition - see Definition, Circular

*jumps off of cliff. Attempts to miss the ground with aid of new white wings. Fails painfully.*

Perhaps I should read the backlog?

Hey jester? what do you mean about dr john being "called for"? dunno what you were asking

and it might be worth it to read the backlog, irv, since you'd find out that pain in heaven is (at least according to st peter) imaginary!
lol!
Oh, and the secret is to actually FLAP the wings... not just extend 'em!
have fun!

I have an overactive imagination at times

* The promenade deck just a few floors from the top of the pin-like tower of H.Q, serves as the venue for the intermediate flight theory practical. St.Peter has come decked out in his flying goggles, and thankfully this time, a first-aid kit, for the souls who have a hard time believing in the rarefied reality of Heaven *

* Standing on the temporary flight deck, Saint Cheese stands munching the last of the light lunch, but unfortunately the patronage of Long Lunches has started to show in his girth. St.Peter innocently speculates whether HE might now reassign him to the patronage of the ‘Horizontally Challenged’. Although, his shadow provides able shade for Saint Zoe to hide... *

* A small group of saints stand resolute in not looking at each others, indeed Saint Thistle, Christopher, Lisa & Ioreth are intent on just one thing... to get as far away from this messy lover’s ‘quadrangle’, as fast as possible... *

* Saint Ioreth mills around the back of the group, painfully aware that her patronage is guaranteed to a millstone at times like these. Saint Irving carefully looks around for any wires on the horizon, whilst Saint Mike comes out dressed in his casual heavy metal gear *

* St.Peter has finally sorted out some aerodynamics diagrams, and is ready to speak... *

Now everyone, we are gathered here today for the next step up in flight training. Those of you who failed miserably last time, will no doubt learn from past experiences, or experience deja vu . Those of you who join us for the very first time can be assured that as no-one successfully completed the last exercise, I will have to go through most of it all again...

* Sighs *

Anyway, this is a basic diagram of what is needed to fly...

* He produces two piles of cards, one pile with an angel with wings extended up, and one other pile with wings extended down. After carefully shuffling them he flicks them and a crude animation is produced *

* Saint Lil, Mike & Bruce grin scornfully at the crudity of the image, whilst Saint Jester is still trying to get a handle on the complex movements involved *

So it’s up & down, up & down, but make sure you don’t go down & up, or all hell will break loose...

* This simply presents a challenge to Saint Technicolor: Saint Technicolor sprains his wings... *

Secondly, the charter plane firm we have been using to relay Saints to Heaven and back has issued an ultimatum to us, that the rowdiness inflight is to cease immediately. They have said they are quiet prepared to fly drunken football teams, Russian Presidents and members of the group Oasis, but they stop at supposedly pious angels offering inflight attendants the opportunity to get ‘high’ & thus offering the once in a life time opportunity to do ‘it’ with a real life Saint...I mean it really is the limit !

* Doctor John finds something to intently look at on the distant horizon *

Furthermore, it’s a wonder the plane actually completed it’s last run, what with the amount of contraband cigarettes & alcohol some of you managed to smuggle on board...

* Saint Justin & Saint Zax also spot the ‘spot’ on the horizon, that holds so much fascination for Doctor John... *

Also, impersonating myself to gain access to the luxury private suite on board, will in future, will lead to you begin reassigned to the position of ‘The Patron Saint of the Blatantly Ugly’...

* Saint Sporkulious acutely aware of joining the ‘Boy ! Do I look guilty Club’ hastily arranges for another spot on the horizon to be coaxed into begin irresistibly interesting. Saint Jester seeing the relative consensus of opinion, stares his way into the ‘Guilty Club’ ...well it’s good to belong *

Well, just before you fly off, we would like to issue you with this...

* Hands out a small plastic satchel *

This is your flight log...

http://www.h2g2.com/forumframe.cgi?forum=38362&thread=51266

If you could put in any details relevant to your travels. Us here at Heaven H.Q would be oh... so grateful, as it helps us co-ordinate activities...

Alright then, off into the skies with you !

* With that, a chorus of ‘Swooshes’ can be heard as a whole squadron of daring angels take to the skies. Not since the Battle of Britain have so many hardly souls taken to the air, unfortunately, the only war films the participants seem to have seen, are apparently German ones... *

* First to take the plunge as it were is Saint Mike, it’s amazing how heavy ‘metal’ can be. The only sentence Saint Cutlery can muster before becoming the second ‘downed’ is ‘Oh no ! I’m about to buy the farm !!!’. This is little consolation though, as he dives head first into the rosegardens. But it’s more than Saint Kornball manages, he doesn’t even have time for a scream as he plows in along side his fellow Saint. Saint Ioreth is odds on to be the next to join them in the thorny parade, but at the last minute she pulls the cord to the parachute, she purchased just after the last training day... *

* Saint Peter makes a mental note to get someone to move that rosegardens... *

* Given that it is most of the Saints second flight lesson, most manage to avoid crashing too heavily, the only really hard part is trying to remain in the air for any length of time, given their general indolence... *

As the sun arcs over the tower, Saint Jeltz finally emerges from the darkness of the interior. He looks quite a sight with goggles, flight cap & a huge rocket pack strapped to his back.

Saint Jeltz - Huzzah !!! Now, I’m ready to take on the Big Blue !!!

* With that he screams off into the sunset, although it probably would have been wise to listen to what St.Peter had to say, which was obscured by the jet-engine thrust, which basically ran along the lines of ‘Gee, that’s impressive ! But what do you do when you run out of jet-fuel miles above land...’ *

* Finally, just when St.Peter is keen to make his way down to ground level to tend to the Saints ‘wounds’, he happens to cast an eye in the general direction of a shadow thrown off by a chrome scansion... *

St.Peter - Are you going to go NOW ?!!

St.Possum - No, it’s still too light yet...

*Saint Jester manages to pull off a three-and-a-half flip, triple turn to land painfully on his head*

Oooooooouuuuuuuuuuccccccccchhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!

*Although it does manage to dislodge the halo from around his neck*

*Which gets caught on his nose and pulls it up to eye level*

3

JOTD: Circular Definition - see Definition, Circular

*St Tweetie, having decided to drop in and see how her flight-challenged friends are doing, stares down at the mess on the ground*
*She shakes slightly, desperately trying to keep from laughing*
It's... not... possible.
Hehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehe!

*doubles over in laughter at the glares Mike and Cutlery send up to her*
Oh... I'm... sorry.
*floats down to the rosegarden and starts helping everyone out*
You guys ok?
Boy, that was impressive.
Synchronised crashing.
*begins to giggle again*
*screams with laughter and shock as Mike and Cutlery grab her and chuck her into the thorns*
Ow!
Oh wait... Heaven. Not ow

Argh. Can't I crash when noone is around to see?

*pouffer*
Just lucky I guess...

*wakes up*

*yawns and stretches her arms and wings out*

*turns her halo on*

Oops. Must have dozed off........ What have I missed? *embarassed grin*

*Zax Rushes to Lisa's side to help her to her feet*

Heya! Howya feelin'? we were beginning to think we'd have to hire a Prince Charming to come kiss you awake!

Hmmm. what'd you miss? uhm... we've started a BUNCH of new threads... 'Do not disturb' is where we're going to drive God batty... uh... the color of water is abandoned in favor of a fresh thread- "The Heavenly Secret Thread ptII"... ras went on a binger... petey is missing, and we've nail--uh... inducted a few new saints...

Not much really!

It's great to see you again!

*joins Zax at Lisa's side*
How're you feeling?
So that's what happened to Ras?
I wasn't sure...

You missed some crashes, none of which involved me. Honest.

*pouffer*

~~

I should have known old Silent Bob would be in his element around this quite time of the week...

Still, when St.Peter gets around to organising the next flight lesson - with most novice flyers usually ending up in the rosegardens. We will see whether you can keep up your solemn vow of silence...

- Simply, High Spirited.