h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

*punches Zax (lightly) on the arm*
Quit teasing me about my Britishness...
And we invented the goddamned language- hence it's name
*slowly* E-N-G-L-I-S-H, remember?

*Looks at own wing with a cold stare*

I think I need help with these things. They're stuck in the "out" position and it's beginning to draw attention.

*Fights off the tabloid paparazzi guy*

*Turns around and maims mother with left wing*

Help!

*presses Thomas lightly between the shoulder blades*
*his wings fold in*
See how that felt? Try it again.
*his wings unfurl*
Keep going!
*soon Thomas is floating above the ground, his wings flapping gently*
Well done! That's great!
I'll be back later if you need more help

Thanks Tweetie! That feels great!

*Hands Tweetie a paper clip* Here's a small shiny thank you reward!

*grins*
Thank you. It's lovely

· St.Peter despite many reservations after the last time stands with goggles on at the precipice of the promenade deck of Heaven H.Q. He ponder that the long procrastination period since he last promised to do Basic Training wasn't just pure inactivity, but out of well founded dread… *

Alright now, could we have some hush up the back !!!

Welcome to Guardian Angel - Basic Flight Training…

With so many Saints present, you had better make sure you listen carefully, as I won't have the opportunity to see you off into the big blue…

What we hope to get you to do is leap off this ledge…

* Saint Pletch follows the line of St.Peter's finger down towards the ledge catching site of the 200 ft drop & runs back inside… *

Ah… You probably don't want to look down straight away. It can be a little daunting at first…

* Needless to say, some of the saints seem a little sceptical, to say nothing of the others who are just plain petrified… *

Well basically your wings are quiet simple to operate, as most of you have gathered. The real trick is trying to convince your central nervous system that once your miles in the air, that this newfound ability isn't just the workings of a deranged imagination…

Plus, you might find that you get readily tired using such newly created muscles. So we have a special 'charter flight' laid on for your travels between Heaven & Earth…

Which many saints take advantage of by buying duty free alcohol…

You will not however be able to claim Frequent Flyer points though…

* St.Peter ponders that due to his little 'scheme', he has only three plane trips to go before he gets a lovely around the world cruise !!! *

Alright, I want to see you get those wings in motion !!!

* A cluster of saints gradually get the hang of the whole flapping motion, although Saint Wampus appears to be flapping at half speed, before sneaking to the back of the group… *

Alright… could 'Silent Bob, Halo & John please step forward…

* They gather peering over the edge, Saint Halo grips tightly the lucky charm around her neck bequeathed by her predecessor who unfortunately was run over by a double decker bus… *

Now focus upon the distant horizon…I want you to fly to the 300 ft to the Belltower yonder. The Belltower of Liberty…Now Go !!!

* Saint Silent Bob unafraid of anything, suddenly springs from the ledge out into the brilliant blue. Saint Halo roused by his bravado follows not far behind. Luckily, none of the others present can here their screams as Bob is mute & Halo falls still clinging to the hope of her lucky charm kicking in, even as they past the ground floor… *

* Saint John on the other hand grabs the nearby jet powered backpack and zooms off into the distance unharmed… *


Now could William, Jester & Canadian Girl please step forward…GO !!!

* The normally jocular Jester now stands rigid on the decking unable to clear his throat for the simplest of jests, William on the other hand regrets the 10th cup of Coffee Jeltz had offered to 'calm' his nerves… *

* Canadian Girl on the otherhand springs from the precipice without fear, strangely her leap propels her some 2/3rds of the way before she has to even flap her wings and she makes it easily… *

* Jester encouraged by the young ladies fearless demeanour jumps forward grabbing Williams arm as he goes. Although, the intentions are good, the only thing they accomplish before hitting the ground is a lovely skydiving pattern…. *

Now could Manxie, Chrome & Fashion Cat please step forward !!!

* Manxie hesitantly steps forth, wondering why he ever left the relative safety of his Isle, whilst Chrome involuntarily jangles one leg like his standing on the edge of a dance floor. Fashion Cat on the other hand slouches in the corner offering… *

Fashion Cat - …but as I represent the student masses, surely 12 o'clock is too early in the day to performing such feats !!!

* St.Peter's normally passive complexion twitches… *

St.Peter - Look !!! How about I reassign you as the Patron Saint of Light Entertainers !!!

* Fashion Cat's snotty disposition is punctured in one foul swoop, as she doesn't want fresh produce thrown at her from the stalls… *

* Manxie tired of the company he is presently keeping jumps into the air, with enough motivation to get away from the overly gregarious angels, he makes it to the Belltower in a canter. Chrome seized by the peer group pressure rather than any general desire to leap from the decking…and subsequently falls like a stone *

* Finally, Fashion Cat steps forward bemoaning her fate. She leaps & falls…swiftly…very swiftly as it happens…but with her cat like reflexes she manages to fall unharmed. Somewhere in the Great Library a scribe scratches out one of her remaining lives… *

Now would Jimmiejaz, Al Boy & Courtney please step forth…

* Jimmiejaz adjusts his bowler hat and charges forward into the blue…falls…dusts himself off & makes for the entrance to have another go. Al Boy steps forward and leaps, despite some unease he manages to make at least 200 ft of the way, before diving head first into the 17 th Hole of the Heavenly Links Golf Course green… *

* Courtney steps forward feeling slightly embarrassed that she has been left behind by her companions, she attempts to summon up the courage to make the leaf of faith…fails *

* She ignominiously slings away unable to face her colleques for the rest of the day… *

Now I would like Clelba, Galaxy Babe & Bob to step forth…

* Clelba somewhat encouraged by Fashion Cat's escapades leaps immediately and to everyone's surprise makes it to the belltower… Bob steps forward saying *

Saint Bob - Now this isn't going to hurt now is it ???

* For the sake of time St.Peter's nods his head horizontally for no. Bob leaps and gains some altitude, unfortunately as with most things in life, you lose ALL eventually. He makes it as far as the ornate fountain. With the velocity he is going, as he come to a 'rest', the cracked pool around him drains of water… *

Galaxy Babe - NO, NO, NO NO !!! Do you think I'm crazy !!!

* She confides as she storms off safe in the knowledge that such a patronage affords such latitude… *

Do we have Saint Alias, Wampus & Mr. Indifferent ready ?

* St.Peter looks around for the missing Wampus. Saint Wampus meanwhile is busily sitting the garden below with Big 'Evil' Dan, catching some rays whilst watching their colleques go through their paces… *

Well, do we have Alicat here ?

* She steps forward ready to join her colleque Saint Clelba on the outside. She feels confident after some test runs at Solsbury Hill… She looks good in flight, unfortunately, looking good isn't a percussor to making it to the other side. She lies unable to move in the dreaded rosegarden, despite the pleasant smell, she funnily enough doesn't appreciate the beauty. Especially after she passes out with the pain. An unseen man at the Great Library hesitates over a parchment wondering whether he should cross out two lives instead… *

* Mr.Indifferent stands over the ledge feeling a sense of certainty for the first time, no really, you couldn't make him jump off this ledge if you offered him comprehensive medical cover which included as part of the fine print that 'the nurses should at all times resemble supermodels…' *

* St.Peter gradually eases him to one side knowing this could take all day… *

Could Zoe, Nim & M'niki please step forward…

* Zoe eases forth unsure whether he is in a positive frames of mind or not, after one of his numerous personalities volunteers to be a negotiator, finally after bilateral talks he leaps out into the blue. Much like a Kiwi isn't blessed with great aerodynamics, either is Zoe. A thud is heard a short time later… *

* Nim steps forward hoping to join her other feline friend on the other side. She draws a pen & pad from her pocket and begins to study the complex dynamics of flight & the atmospherics of the surrounding area. She steps forward with confidence, leaps, and hits the stone floor below muttering… *

Nim the Cat - Oh…I forgot to carry the nine…

* M'niki on the other hand believes in art & beauty and gracefully pirouettes from the deck into the swirling winds, which carry her to the far off destination… J *

Ah…Do we have Kasia, Lys & Don Alfredo present…

* The Don steps forward unafraid of such petty things as 200 ft drops, rosegardens & concrete floors. Now pure bravado might get you far in other areas, but once your out into the rarefied atmosphere of er…atmosphere, you had better of packed something a little more substantial than ego… *

* Kasia is about to jump when she here's the Don's body hit the concrete below, she hesitates and tries to focus on the jazz standard 'When the Saints Go Marching In…' she has been using as a motivational aid for today… She jumps, she soars, she roars as she realises all that modern jazz has messed with her 'bio-rhythms'… *

* She now knows why the said Saints like to march everywhere… *

* Lys steps forward peering over the edge, she hesitates for a good 2 minutes before saying… *

Lys - This is madness I tell you, utter MADNESS !!!

* She storms back inside babbling to herself… *

Ah… could Thomas, Jax, Miss Angelwings please step forward…

* Thomas steps forward glistening in the afternoon sun…he also is an impressive sight when he leaps in the air, well at least until the ground starts to hunt him down… *

* Jax steps forward without fuss, and with relative ease joins the small group on the outside saying… *

Jax - It was quite easy, really…

* Miss Angelwings feels very confident with her combination of titles, she should make it with ease. Not so… She does however glimpse an image of the lovely Blue Skies right up to the last second, as she crashes into the swimming pool… *

Well now could Lou Lou, Pauly & Karlito please step forward…

* The groups steps forth linking up arm & arms, they say a silent prayer & dive off the precipice. Some may say most things are best accomplished in a group environment, this isn't one of them… *

* St.Peter surveys the assortment of limping, cursing, shellshocked saints below… *

Well, at least I got some across this time…

* He walks away smiling passing Mr.Indifferent on the way… *

* The Sun gradually arcs it's way across the sky, in the late afternoon light a lonely figure can still be seen near the top of Heaven H.Q… *

*Tweet wanders around the Saint-covered ground*
*She hugs some of the Angels she knows best, and convinces everyone that it'll be better next time*
*suggests to Chrome that she'd be happy to give him some private lessons *
*produces a large megaphone and stands on a bench*
EVERYONE PLEASE REMEMBER THAT YOU ARE IN HEAVEN AND THEREFORE THE PAIN YOU ARE FEELING IS A FIGMENT OF YOUR IMAGINATION. THERE IS NO SUCH THING IN HEAVEN.
*watches the looks of relief passing over her friends' faces*
HANGOVERS ARE ENTIRELY REAL THOUGH, SO DON'T EVEN TRY IT.
*switches off the megaphone and hops down to buy everyone a drink*

Hmmmmmmmmmmmm............

Two Jesters.

This should be fun.

3

JOTD: I made it foolproof, but they're making better fools

oh dear... and just when i thought i'd got this flying thing to a tee... I guess its the pressure of doing it in front of Him...

*clambers up..* right. Tweet... what's wrong with my style?

*does a majestic swoop above Tweet..*

Not much really especally when comperd to the likes of me
*as Bob walks out of yet another shodow.
Tweety looks at him as if to say "why do you always use shadows*
Ok so I have a thing for appering out of unexpeted corners

That's ok, I like to appear beside people with no warning whatsoever
Now, FC, nothing wrong with your style, but you need more than that. You need grace, balance, an understanding of the sky, a feeling for thermals...
I could go on (after all, I've been doing this since birth) but I won't bore you

You could do it that way I supose but I prefer to defy gravity its much more fun and it really anoys the phisasists and airospace enginers.
*walks off the tower and carries on as iff walking up a flight of sters doing a bad impression of Bing Crosby*

#Would you like to swing on a star.
carry moon beams home in a jar.
to be better off than you are
or would you rather be a mule....#

* carries on walking and singing not looking where he is going and so does not see the 747 that flys straght in to him as he plummets to earth he shouts*
Ok I think I should learn how to do it properly.
*A loude thudd is herd as Bob hits the floor*
Ouch!!! why do I alwase land on that bloody fence.

Oh. There are two Bobs as well. Although I haven't seen Silent Bob for a while.

3

JOTD: Put on your seatbelt. I wanna try something.

(wanders past)

right Tweet... make me fly like an Archangel!!!

*blinks*
Ok....
Well, first of all I'm gonna have to see what you're like in the air.
*gestures to FC to follow her and makes her way up to a high tower*
C'mon then- let's see what you've got

*she jumps off the cliff edge and opens her wings. as she descends she can see Tweet cringing from on high....

um.. its bever done that before...

*just before crashing to the ground she catches a wind stream and gradually pulls back the lost altitude....

*when back at the top of the cliff she hovers, then flies upwards, recovering well from her terrible start....

*does a little loop just to show off, then lands beside Tweetie finishing gracefully.... Sees Tweet shaking her head....

Well, I'm new, and this towel i carry keeps taking me off balance... Teach me!!! Please!!!

*Staggers back through the door with the fence still wropped arroud his boddy*
Can someone help me with this please.

*rolls her eyes and pulls the fence off of Bob*
Right, FC. Lesson one- starting off.
*Tweet stands at the edge of the tower and motions for FC to join her*
Now, it's easier in bird form, but you can't morph, so. You're gonna need to look for a wind stream first.
Then, when you set off, don't flap too hard or too fast. It's all about power...
Right, bend your knees slightly. Good. What you want to do is wait for the wind stream, then push off, and pull yourself up. Slow and steady.
Ready?
There's a good one- see it?
Go.
*Tweet and FC jump from the tower*
*Tweet rises immediately, without any effort*
*FC falls slightly, then pulls herself up, grinning*
*They rise slowly and spend a few minutes doing some laps*
*Finally, back at the tower Tweet smiles*
That was great See, you don't have any problems- you'll be perfect in no time!