h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Have you all forsaken the pursuit of aeronautical perfection?

Not really I just got tierd of landing on fence poasts

Oh. Well, that's neat. Here, have a Necco Wafer.

::Offers Bob the candy::



Candy is good.

-LeP

MMMMMMMMM candy

Candy can cure all ills. Really. Well... in the emotional sense, anyway. I was dying at work one day & I had some candy & it was all better.

* The winds encircle the hapless saints as they stand upon the Bell Tower of Liberty. Some of the newer saints haven’t the ability to reach this tower by ‘wing power’ alone, and have been made to climb up the 1,249 stairs up and now stand more than a little weakened and having to still to contend with being buffeted by 59 mile an hour winds, just to stay still… *

* St.Peter finally ambles up the stairs and confronts the strong winds as he opens the doors, and nearly goes tumbling down the stairs bar for timely invention of Saint Wilson Brown Bear whose burly presence is a welcome relief to Peter… *

St.Peter – Thankyou all for making the journey up here today…

It’s most gratifying to see so many of you taking an interest in our new saints…

You have probably wondered by now, why I have brought you up here today…

* He sees Saint LePerdyMonkee clambering about in the clock mechanisms overhead, he checks his watch, the monkey instanteously hits a cog wheel... 10:32a.m, just to make sure it isn’t time… *

DONG!!! DONG !!! DONG !!!

* Saint LePerdyMonkee hits the stone below looking forlornly about as everyone desperately tries to block out the sound with their hands… *

* Saint Dargent goes flying off the side of the tower trying to grab Saint Salam Saberhagen as a last resort… *

* Together they fall, almost certainly looking at instantaneous death… *

* St.Peter manages to grab a hold of Saint Vince as his weak body is tossed around by the wind… *

St.Vince – Do you think they will be fine or…

St.Peter – Don’t be alarmed everyone, they cannot come to any harm in Heaven…

They will only feel like they have hit solid concrete…

* Further below the two new saints desperately hold on to each other hoping for a miracle, and pleading that as their employer, HE should let them have one on ‘spec’…*

* St.Saberhagan looks on the bright side, whilst St.Dargent contemplates a sticky end… *

* St.Dragonfly the adept flier follows behind them desperately trying to catch them up… *

* ABOVE… *

St.Peter – Don’t Worry, I’m sure Saint Dragonfly will rescue them… hopefully…

* St.Jezzrian stares over the ledge and says… *

St.Jezzrian – We’re in Heaven, there always has to be a happy ending, doesn’t there ???

* The others stare on bemused… *

St.Peter - Anyway, Yes…

I brought you up here today to sample the lofty heights of the belltower to gain some ‘perspective’ of the heights a Guardian Angel must go to, to ‘aspire’ to greatness, to ‘steeple’ ones way to a pure & a gentle heart…

But, mainly to scare the willies out of you…

Why ? I hear you say ?

* He ponders… for a ‘inordinate’ amount of time… *

Alright, I’ve forgotten, but it had something vaguely to do with the ‘helping others’ or some such…

* He stares out across the steeples… *

Anyway, would Seven of Nine please step forward…

* She staggers forth… *

* He struggles to the draw the golden sword in the fierce winds… *

I hereby dub you Saint Seven Of Nine the Patron Saint of Empathy !!!

You are commanded to go forth a sympathise with all those less perfect than yourself… or at least to appear so…

* St.Peter wrestles the sword, finally getting it out of its sheath, only to watch it go fly from his hands narrowly missing Saint Kes… *

Well, er… we will see to that later… rest assured, you’ll get some metallic wings and a electric neon halo or something…

* St.Peter busily avoids her gaze and calls for Lord Sin… *

* Lord Sin looks across from grappling a pillar, just to stay put in the swirling winds… *

Lord Sin – Well, I’ve got a… a pain down my right leg…. Terrible really, but still… mustn’t grumble…

* St.Peter sighs deeply and grapples his way across with the help of many saints to get to where the Lord is… *

St.Peter - I hereby dub you… er, I would if I still had the sword… anyway…

I hereby would dub you Saint Lord Sin the Patron Saint of White Lies !!!

I would have commanded you to go forth and teach others that white lies always grey the issue, leading inexorably to you having to find darker shades of grey to cover up the lighter ones… but, I won’t bother for now…

Er… You probably would have had wings that were like a litmus test to see how pure you have been, going from pure white to black, and a halo that dims in much the same fashion…

* St.Peter looks about at the windswept individuals whose faces have been made red raw by the shearing winds… *

St.Peter – I think we had better retire to the bar now…

* He pauses and looks out across the lake… *

I don’t think this was a very good idea at all !!!

* The others wrestle their way back to the safety of the stairwell, whilst St.Peter edges toward the ledge & looks down over the side glumly… *

* He turns back to the stairwell picking up the pink monkey along the way saying… *

St.Peter – I’m sure they will be O.K… won’t they ???

* Meanwhile BELOW… *

* St.Dargent notices the ground coming up to greet them, feels more than a little dismayed… St.Salam says… *

St.Salam Saberhagen – Come on !!! Bring it on !!!

* Moments later, Saint Dragonfly sees them hit the ground… Or too be more precise, sees them go ‘through’ the ground… or more to the point: cloud layer… *

* Moments pass as they emerge the other side and Saint Salam manages to share a laugh with St.Dargent, even to the point of whooping a little about their adventures, until a thought crosses Salam’s mind… *

St.Salam – So let me get this straight. We fell ‘through’ the ‘ground’ in Heaven because the cloud layer there was conveniently thin, and now we are falling through the stratosphere of Earth falling towards the…

AHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

* The winds encircle the hapless saints as they stand upon the Bell Tower of Liberty. Some of the newer saints haven’t the ability to reach this tower by ‘wing power’ alone, and have been made to climb up the 1,249 stairs up and now stand more than a little weakened and having to still to contend with being buffeted by 59 mile an hour winds, just to stay still… *

* St.Peter finally ambles up the stairs and confronts the strong winds as he opens the doors, and nearly goes tumbling down the stairs bar for timely invention of Saint Wilson Brown Bear whose burly presence is a welcome relief to Peter… *

St.Peter – Thankyou all for making the journey up here today…

It’s most gratifying to see so many of you taking an interest in our new saints…

You have probably wondered by now, why I have brought you up here today…

* He sees Saint LePerdyMonkee clambering about in the clock mechanisms overhead, he checks his watch, the monkey instanteously hits a cog wheel... 10:32a.m, just to make sure it isn’t time… *

DONG!!! DONG !!! DONG !!!

* Saint LePerdyMonkee hits the stone below looking forlornly about as everyone desperately tries to block out the sound with their hands… *

* Saint Dargent goes flying off the side of the tower trying to grab Saint Salam Saberhagen as a last resort… *

* Together they fall, almost certainly looking at instantaneous death… *

* St.Peter manages to grab a hold of Saint Vince as his weak body is tossed around by the wind… *

St.Vince – Do you think they will be fine or…

St.Peter – Don’t be alarmed everyone, they cannot come to any harm in Heaven…

They will only feel like they have hit solid concrete…

* Further below the two new saints desperately hold on to each other hoping for a miracle, and pleading that as their employer, HE should let them have one on ‘spec’…*

* St.Saberhagan looks on the bright side, whilst St.Dargent contemplates a sticky end… *

* St.Dragonfly the adept flier follows behind them desperately trying to catch them up… *

* ABOVE… *

St.Peter – Don’t Worry, I’m sure Saint Dragonfly will rescue them… hopefully…

* St.Jezzrian stares over the ledge and says… *

St.Jezzrian – We’re in Heaven, there always has to be a happy ending, doesn’t there ???

* The others stare on bemused… *

St.Peter - Anyway, Yes…

I brought you up here today to sample the lofty heights of the belltower to gain some ‘perspective’ of the heights a Guardian Angel must go to, to ‘aspire’ to greatness, to ‘steeple’ ones way to a pure & a gentle heart…

But, mainly to scare the willies out of you…

Why ? I hear you say ?

* He ponders… for a ‘inordinate’ amount of time… *

Alright, I’ve forgotten, but it had something vaguely to do with the ‘helping others’ or some such…

* He stares out across the steeples… *

Anyway, would Seven of Nine please step forward…

* She staggers forth… *

* He struggles to the draw the golden sword in the fierce winds… *

I hereby dub you Saint Seven Of Nine the Patron Saint of Empathy !!!

You are commanded to go forth a sympathise with all those less perfect than yourself… or at least to appear so…

* St.Peter wrestles the sword, finally getting it out of its sheath, only to watch it go fly from his hands narrowly missing Saint Kes… *

Well, er… we will see to that later… rest assured, you’ll get some metallic wings and a electric neon halo or something…

* St.Peter busily avoids her gaze and calls for Lord Sin… *

* Lord Sin looks across from grappling a pillar, just to stay put in the swirling winds… *

Lord Sin – Well, I’ve got a… a pain down my right leg…. Terrible really, but still… mustn’t grumble…

* St.Peter sighs deeply and grapples his way across with the help of many saints to get to where the Lord is… *

St.Peter - I hereby dub you… er, I would if I still had the sword… anyway…

I hereby would dub you Saint Lord Sin the Patron Saint of White Lies !!!

I would have commanded you to go forth and teach others that white lies always grey the issue, leading inexorably to you having to find darker shades of grey to cover up the lighter ones… but, I won’t bother for now…

Er… You probably would have had wings that were like a litmus test to see how pure you have been, going from pure white to black, and a halo that dims in much the same fashion…

* St.Peter looks about at the windswept individuals whose faces have been made red raw by the shearing winds… *

St.Peter – I think we had better retire to the bar now…

* He pauses and looks out across the lake… *

I don’t think this was a very good idea at all !!!

* The others wrestle their way back to the safety of the stairwell, whilst St.Peter edges toward the ledge & looks down over the side glumly… *

* He turns back to the stairwell picking up the pink monkey along the way saying… *

St.Peter – I’m sure they will be O.K… won’t they ???

* Meanwhile BELOW… *

* St.Dargent notices the ground coming up to greet them, feels more than a little dismayed… St.Salam says… *

St.Salam Saberhagen – Come on !!! Bring it on !!!

* Moments later, Saint Dragonfly sees them hit the ground… Or too be more precise, sees them go ‘through’ the ground… or more to the point: cloud layer… *

* Moments pass as they emerge the other side and Saint Salam manages to share a laugh with St.Dargent, even to the point of whooping a little about their adventures, until a thought crosses Salam’s mind… *

St.Salam – So let me get this straight. We fell ‘through’ the ‘ground’ in Heaven because the cloud layer there was conveniently thin, and now we are falling through the stratosphere of Earth falling towards the…

AHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

*Brushing himself off*

It seems even The Almighty God has visits from the double-post monster from time to time.

*peers over the edge*

That's a new hole in the cloud layer, where's that come from? And where are Dargent and Salam?

Here I am. I had a little accident involving myself, a lorry and an ice cream truck.

**brush's a little coffee ice cream of his shirt**

Hooray!! Congrats new angels!

Heh.. So, white lies, Sin? Neat.

Hmm... I've been greeting people, & I've seen a post somewhere that someone had taken the initiative to take note of them in some manner or another.... & I have no clue as to what I'm talking about really...

Is my brain really that jello-like today?

Maybe I'll try thinking a bit later.

-LeP

**St. Dargent finally gets the hang of the wing things and flies up to the Bell Tower just in time to get to the bar. However, St. Salem keeps falling, as he hasn't got the hand of the wing things. Suddenly he sees the ground, well, motorway, below, and thinks**

Saint Salem-Sob, sob! I'm to important, handsome, fantastic, intelligent, etc. to die!

**As Salem is about to hit the tarmac, an Eddie Stobart lorry comes speeding down the motorway towards him. The driver, who is considering never drinking again, doesn't stop and hits Salem head on. Then an ice cream truck mysteriously appears on the road, which Salem also hits, with quite a large force. Ice cream and feathers go flying.**

Saint Salem-Mmmmmm! Coffee flavour!

*sores up through cloud layer true black trench coat billwing around him, then landing neatly on platau of the bell tower*

Hi guys did I miss any thing important,

ah GOD how the business going, don't look at me like that I was only asking

*Wonders if anyone can teach her how to fly and quickly coz its getting a real pain having to walk to heaven every day!*

ok then just grab hold of me I'll take you down to the grownd the we'll come back up again, Flying

*grabs hold a Hezher and jumps of the tower, twenety meaters off the ground SLaTfatF spreads wings with a thump and glides to the ground, croaking*

err. could you let go now please *Hezher lets go* right where do you wan't to start

*Collapses dizzily on the ground*

err, at the begining please SLaTfatF, when I regain consciousness that is...

*Passes out. SLaTfatF looks worried but she soon comes round and starts jumping up and down making flapping movements*

well the first thing to do is stop thrashing at the air,just spread your wings out as far as they go, good now pull them in a tiney bit, right now lift them into the air and pull them down as hard as you can, see your getting the hand of it already, now speed it up to go higher and slow it down to go down

*Wobblingly raises a few feet off the ground*

Ihave had lots of prctis, lets see
*Gracefully leps in the air and shows off his arobatik exalence.....just befor crashing in to the tower*

hmm.

any way to stear all you have to do is shift you body weight in the direction you want to go in and to turn you can either shift weight to the side then backwards or you can tild your wings in oppersite directiond then shift weight backwards OR flap one wing harder than the other

*Attempts to do everything at once and goes round in circles*