h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

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Cheers for the info Z, I have never needed to find out that sort of thing, but it doesn't hurt to learn

Seth, Interesting point, I have noticed posters going up in Glasgow this week, showing normal social scenes but with one couple having a verbal/violent row and everybody else ignoring them

I think it is still a behind closed doors thing, although violence to a partner is becoming less socially acceptable.

From experience, people don’t believe there is a problem unless they see bruises.

Oh yes, B4, Communication is all I can suggest, cuts down on misunderstanding

No problem Toccata, DD - we already make that point in the safe sex talk, but I think I'll emphasis it..

I just got an e mail about the appointment with a note about the fact that I'm doing a talk. Now I'm scared..

I'm also playing a happy game of "find the consultants secreatry on a Friday afternoon".

{takes Lil's hint (nudge, nudge) about the smileys and vows to keep them to a minimum on the discussion thread}
{also takes note of Ben's judicious redirection of personal updates to the Café}

Well...by jinkies...if I'm not blathering about my personal life here, then what...? Oh, yeah. I could posit some ideas from the Cultural Diversity course I just finished with University of Phoenix.

In regards to emotion:
We seem to have an array of viewpoints on how much control to place on certain emotions. This seems to stem from the relative value our cultural environment places on such controls. Is it stereotyping to say that people from the Latin countries more freely express their joy or sorrow, as opposed to--say, Germany--where "riding herd" over your emotions and presenting a staid public persona are the norm? What factors would contribute to 'classifying' a certain culture in such broad strokes?

In our studies, we recognized the fact that there is such a wide range of characteristics associated with individual cultures--whether it is by nationality, racial traits, religious influences, or even geographical location—that you absolutely HAVE TO understand and use diversity thinking. This world is too variegated for any single over-arching category other than “human being.” That may be where the similarity ends, so we can’t expect to stuff all those other “square pegs into round holes.” We need to develop more balanced views of how we relate with other people, no matter our initial assessment of their “perceived” differences from “us.” As stated earlier in the thread, give the person (or culture) a fair shake at the outset of interactions. Observe, be patient, try to imagine yourself in their shoes, maybe even immerse yourself in their culture to experience it properly from their standpoint.

I think that our up-bringing shapes our emotional demeanor and the methods we use to express them. Only by conscious effort in our later cognitive years will we be able to fashion a workable system of mature, appropriate emotional responses. As we grow and learn, we must adapt to a myriad of different life situations that may task our resolve to conduct ourselves in the best manner. By paying attention to our internal voice, and gauging the reactions of the people around us, we should be able to develop some satisfactory behavioral patterns that promote our own health and well-being and that of the people with which we interact.

{This is kinda long-winded—and perhaps a bit pretentious—even for me.}

offthesoapboxB4thePhilosophyPolicearrive

*scootches up by DD*

So much backlog! Emotions. I do my best to try to keep the negative ones under wraps. I know myself, that if I was fully open, I'd have sent DD packing a long time ago and driven my parents to kicking me out. I've just learned to keep my mouth closed and seethe inwardly. However, this does lead to huge eruptions every now and then - the trouble is that the little things become the spark and its hard for people to understand why this torrent is directed towards them.

Moving to pastures anew. I tend to find that the easiest way to do it is without thinking too much of the consequences. Usually if I do, I find myself less attracted to moving because there is so much unknowns that I cannot factor in. My mum and I are so close, unhealthily close I suppose. I mean, we moved in over the Christmas period, its now the 23rd and we still havent moved back to our flat. Why? Becuase I dont want to see the look on Mums face when I start packing up. There, I've admitted it to the hootoo community. Thats why I always went home at the weekends during uni, and why I know that I'll have an awful hard time of it if I do get a job down south. But I know that if I dont, it will drive DD away, and I will never be the real me. *sigh* Thats why so much is hinging on this - its my excuse to get away. And I feel such a traitorous, self-obsessed s**t for not being able to do it any other way. I cannot imagine what it would do if I was honest with mum. I never will, I couldnt do it.

Anyway. guys. Guess you didnt need to hear that.

Course you can talk to us, FC, and it's nice to have you here.

I'm feeling most unwell this morning -- probably thanks to first evening classes in middle school classrooms, well-known disease vestors.

Marv, I know you are sincerely pacifistic and believe in anger management, but I draw your attention to experiences you had in your old job that left you shaking with rage. That is, the anger is still there.

Anyway, that's all I'm up for at the moment. *curls up in an easy chair recliner with tea* I hope Amy is OK.

FC - I think that there are just certain things that parents don't need to know, so I wouldn't worry about that. Do what's best for you and the rest will fall into place.

Courtesy

I have the horrible feeling I may be about to say something which is going to upset you, FC, and which may merit me being kicked out of the salon. Hmmm.

First off, I know very very little about you - so what follows is theory, but relavent theory.

Second of all, it is up to parents to let go, as much as it is up to children to leave. It is unacceptable not to give your child the freedom she needs to become herself.

Something bad happened to the daughter of one of my friends recently. My friend does not know what it was. She had to say to her daughter 'it is ok for you not to tell me'. This is hard for parents, but they absolutely have to do it.

Conversely, you are not being s**tty in wanting your freedom. You are being who you are.

All parents want what is best for their children. Not all parents are mature enough as adults to actually work towards what is best, which is desperately sad for parents and children alike.

Ben

Oh, and picking up on ltp's suggestion about relaxing in the bath - that is a fabulously good idea, and one I shall work at. (Hark at me!)

>>> It's important I think for both parties to be very clear and open about which subjects each finds difficult to cope with - money, in-laws, previous relationships, whatever, and either ban them from discussion entirely, or restrict their introduction to particular times/locations etc (eg bedroom).

I absolutely would not ever in any circumstances discuss tricky subjects in the bedroom. You would be far too likely to let bad vibes in. I won't even discuss tricky things while a lover is holding or touching me. I want touching to have only good memories.

Journeys are a good time for discussing tricky subjects: if you are walking or driving you are side by side, you are not face-to-face so there is less confrontation, and you can leave the space where you discuss the difficult issues behind you. There may be beaches you never ever want to walk along again, of course, but that is better than having the shadows of fights past haunting the house.

It is also vitally important to discuss the difficult subjects.

Not doing so cost me a marriage.

Ben

Good points, Ben. H and I talk things over in a restaurant, we find that sitting across a table in a neutral zone makes it easier to talk. Also there are no distractions from other family members or phones.

We don't argue, I don't know why really, superficially we are very different, he likes the blues for goodness sake! It has taken a year for us both to agree on wood flooring, but afer 12 years, I'm still stuck with his leather furniture suite! But underneath we have the same values and similar backgrounds. We do get cross with each other from time to time, but haven't ever really argued. But we both come from families where the parents didn't argue, so perhaps that's it.

I know my mother would have loved a good row with Dad at times. But he just wouldn't, I know she found that very frustrating. On the other hand, they weren't particuarly lovey dovey in front of us kids either. All rather English, really, emotions were for behind closed doors and not in front of the children!

[spk, who feels horrible for leaving a card and saying nothing else, but there it is]

*waves from the corner*

I'm feeling ok, Lil .

All that love and you know how much it gets me dow nat times not being able to escape that environment at times until you say it is time to go. Being forced to stay awake even though I've been the one up earliest to drag you and sometimes your dad out of bed to get to work in the morning.

While at the same time I've spent so little time with my own mum dad and brother and his family, that at times I feel like I'm rejecting them so much and at times they almost sound the same when they call me.

You do need some distance from them and to have me with you. Some place that is us that you aren't constantly getting called in to help with every little family emergency and I get dragged along too.

For sake of my mental, physical and social health I hopr you do get that job way,way, down south so I can look for a new job down there to be with you. So that there is some space for you and me to find us. Not for me to be grafted on to your family and be sufficated by the process at times.

Ben: When I was still in high school, I worked at a plant nursery on the Gulf Coast of MS. One of the other workers there, a young lady named Nancy who was just a few years older than me, told me of a novel way she and her husband would conduct some of their talks. They would sit back-to-back on the floor, atop some comfy cushions, and listen to each other’s thoughts. She said that, in that position, it ensured each party was paying attention—not only to “the words” spoken and their underlying meaning, but also the physical contact transmitted a message, too. She said you could feel the other person’s heartbeat, their rate of breathing, muscles tensing or relaxing, and changes in pressure of the contact of one body upon the other. This method cut down the distractions and helped them both to focus on factors that would normally be missed by some of the face-to-face antics people play.

Caer: Your portrait of parents not being open about certain things struck home with me. My Father and my Mother rarely talked openly about financial, interpersonal, or religious topics. They gave us a decent example—my sister and I—of how to do many things as we were growing up, but in-depth discussion of touchy subjects just weren’t the order of the day. They kept so much under wraps that I found myself learning a lot of lifestyle skills all on my own when I left home. Granted, the military had a hand in shaping a big chunk of that, but the ‘civilian life’ skills came a bit slower. Sometimes I regret the relative quiet they exhibited, because so many little things could have been talked to conclusion; but then again, I like how I’ve fashioned my own life, as well.

Lil: Get all better soon… [By the way, what DOES a loo-brush have to do with health and well-being?]

B4isendaBouquettotheTidyBowlMan

Forgive me for not conquering the blog, ladies, gentlemen, and everyone. I flew back in from OK - business trip - last night at 10:30 pm and am now back at work. I love my job!

*settles back into her old familiar sofa with a happy sigh and sips *

B4 - it aint a loo brush, its a flower. Honest.

Ben - I think thats the most sense I've heard in a while about the situation. I agree with you, she does need to break away. Its just hard. This job opportunity would just give me that easy way out, without having to spell it out for her. It's hard enough with my brother - he's just flatly refusing to come home. It's tricky. But I know that for my health and the health of my relationship, it must come to a close, soon.

DD - The situation with your parents, that was below the belt and you know it. We havent been across for many reasons yes, but not for my lack of trying. I'll discuss this later. Its unfair to subject the salonistas to it.

I've found over the years that it is essential to *my* emotional health if I stay out of my mother's private (i.e. marital) life entirely. I've found it very strange and difficult when that line of formality has dissolved between parent and child and I am told about their fights, the sex life, etc. etc.

[GDZ]