h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

[Something pops out of the Space-Time Continuum and rockets toward one of the Kringle warships, which promptly shows signs of being Jell-O. The reactor was clearly not designed to house the energies it produces in Jell-O, so said energies are promptly released, blowing the Kringle ship to tiny little bits. Of Jell-O. The something that had popped out of the Space-Time Continuum and caused this starts floating towards the Esirpretne with an air of embarassment.]

The figure on the hull of the Esirpretne produces a small glass bowl and spoon, and promptly begins to eat the volitile substance. Waiting for the next edible substance to pop through the continuum.

[Which comes presently in the form of a bowl of ice cream with the mass of a planet.]

[Something else, with a cat's silhouette, pops through space-time and dives in, literally]

*Seven-of-Up runs up to the bridge after being in Engineering for over a week just being confused and reading a pamphlet entitled "How to cope with being human" *

How can I help?

*Notices that there are still dollops of ice-cream everywhere and that there appeard to be two biro's, red and pink, who appearing to be flirting with each other*

hhmm even more confused

*Pulls another pamphlet out of his pocket entitled "How to cope with being human part 2: When they turn into biro's*

*after seeinG all the damaGe at his spaceship, lookinG around*

You Got some good T here somewhere ???

T??? I'm sure there's some fine Earl Grape about here somewhere!!!

My Bjorg implants still include the Tea making facilities actually, coincidence or what! Does any one want a brew? *putting on best OAP voice*

I take a cup, but don't like Earls Grave !!! Whats with SeeLonG ...?

*waiting for the T and beeing happy that Mr H has no Björk-implants *

Sure here you are

God the Esirpretne is melting and under attack and here I am handing out Tea!!!
Right back to my duties...I have no duties...

Anyway - I am glad that I don't have any BJORK implants - its...oh...so...quiet, dee dee dee dee * 3, its...oh...so...stilll, dee dee dee dee * 3, UNTIL etc, etc...

God I need something to do...

If you're not busy Seven you can help me find a way to reverse mine and Wendy's, er, condition.

It isn't much fun being a biroid lifeform, people use you to do crosswords

*t_h_i_n_k_i_n_G*

... maybe I can help with this biro-thinGee ... with Seven and the implants...
#?! oranGe marme... *deep thinkinG.......* YEAH


Ah? where did you say is the enGineerinG ???

*Seven thumbs the way*
*Meanwhile in the bridge*
Um, Keptin, should we do something about those Kringle cruisers? Vhat Vith us being unable to complete this crossword as Croz and Vendy are now in Engineering...
Just a thought...

OK, OK, OK...

Raise the shields & take evasive action...

*Raises shields and cowers under nearest table*
*observes the various looks from the crew...*
ok, ok...
*Pilots the ship towards the kringle cruisers, snowzars blazing...*

[The cat-like being is now observed to have an absurdly long tail and rabbit-like hind legs. Whatever it is seems to have no trouble at all breathing in space. This is probably due to the fact that it is surrounded with a pink bubble of light. It emits a mewing noise, and, upon finding that snowzars are blazing all around it, disappears entirely and reappears somewhere on the ship]

The figure sitting on the hull of the ship decides he is beginning to tire of the various entities appearing, and the Kringle worships. The figure scratches the back of his ear and the Kringle ships change into delicate peices of Royal Doulton crockery, from which he begins to make a cup of Earl's Grave.

*E can hardlys believe her eyes as the kringle ships turn into crockery & starts to wonder what in space is going on...*

[Mew, flying through a ventilation duct, transforms into a bacterium long enough to get through a grating, transforms back into a pink cat with an absurdly long tail, rabbit-like feet, and the most powerful psychic abilities in the Galaxy, and sets of an intruder alarm]

*When the alarm goes off, Affy appears from over a weeks absence to confront the intruder*

Aha! I knew the GOTO function I installed in the alarm system would . . .

*Stares at the intruder. Turns on communicator*


Uh, Bridge? This is Affy. We appear to have a ... Mew. Yes, you heard me, a Mew is on board the Esirpretne. Over.


Okay, Mew, um . . . hello. Look, I don't know what you may have heard out there, but let me make three things clear. 1) My goldfish is sending out challenges to other psychic beings without my permission. 2) My goldfish isn't even here. He's back at my detective agency. 3) Please go easy on him. I've not measured either of your powers, but I gather that you'd do some damage.

*Notices the look of incomprehension on Mew's face*

Oh. You're not here about the fish. Okay, then . . .

*Doesn't know what to say. Turns on the mindshield device he created for encounters with telepathic abilities, not knowing if it'll work*


Bridge, I could use some assistance down here.

*Some Pokeballs materialise by Affy*
This is the bridge, we've got Checkout's Charizard on the way, and a security detail

[Mew puts a pink bubble of energy around him, making him completely impervious to any attack.]

Mew!

[giggles]