h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Hey, I'd really like to be a guardian angel. I'm really good friends with Thomas- P.S. of Small Shiny Objects (or something along those lines). I want to be P.S. of something useful, like P.S. of Shovels or something similiar. I'd really like to be P.S. of Dulcimers or piano. Or the way I'm talking, P.S. of rambling for no obvious reason.

Cooking tip for the day:

always make sure your rat has been thouroughly drowned before placing in wok full of hot oil. This will ensure that the rat cooks properly and will also prevent you from spending the night in casualty because the little b*****d decided to throw itself at your face , clamping tightly on your nose with it's razor sharp little teeth and then just for good measure covering you in hot oil.....
.....ahhh...thats better...just doing my bit for all those senile individuals outhere...got to make sure we are looking out for them...now I just have to deal with Woking...any ideas?

now where did i leave my warm brownian motion producer?....

Cooking rats? Why aren't you on Survivor Online?

Oh... Hello !!!

I just managed to find some time to reply...

Well, you try running the Universe !!!

Firstly, I have a suggestion for Amanda, as you are an avid reader, perhaps the Patron Saint of Novel Ideas !!!

Might suit...

Secondly, Hello Jester !!!

I'm sure if your a friend of Thomas then that's good enough for us !!!

If you have any definite suggestions for a patronage, please reply soon as we soon have the next ceremony...

- Simply, High Spirited.

That patronage would be wonderful. Thank you for your help. Please let me know when the ceremony is.

Hi everybody,

Congrats to all new saints.

I have my monthly sleepless night - any good suggestions?

*sigh*

What's happened to Zax!!??

He's gone AWOL.
Or possible MIA...
Anyway, I wish I knew

Ah, yes!!! Thank you very much, God!!! You're the best God I've ever had... *sigh* Tell me when the next ceremony is and i'll try to make room for it in my busy schedule of jestering. I also need to find time to build an alter to you....

Hello I am Tyler and i would like to be A Guardian Angel i am a new member but i can do the job.

I'm not here to brag about myself or promote me this time. Oh, no!!! To show that I am a kind and sophisticated being, I would like to promote Punting Small Dogs. No, not the action. The person. He is Thomas- P.S. of Small Shiny Things' li'l bro. He is also one of my best friends. I've known him for 6 years now. He'd do the job ALMOST as good as I.

Thanks, Jester, I'll take it from here. Yes, Punting Small Dogs is my brother, and yes, he often does (Punt small dogs, that is). Ah well. I gotta go.

*Attempts to fly away, but not terribly good at it yet* Someone surprise me so I'll miss the ground, okay?

I feel like I should be addressing a letter.

Dear God, (hey, don't get to say that everyday, but I 'spect that one's been floating around here for ages...)

I'd love to be a guardian angel, and here's why--'m in the process of building H2G2's first (ok, maybe not first, but definietly most digitally spectacular) playground over at my homepage--
http://www.h2g2.com/U145245 It's still under construction (you'd be amazed at how expensive digital sand is) but, of all the pages that need a guardian angel, a playground would have to be one of them. I'm gonna need a first aid stand as it is, so anything that will minimize injury HAS to be good.

Call me superstitous, but hey. This is an empassioned plea, here.

I would very much like to be the Patron Saint of Merry-Go-Rounds to protect my playing children from grievous bodily harm.


Triv

Your wish is MY command, Triv !!!

I've also had a look at the other applicants, and I can say despite a few misdemeanors...

I decided to accept your applications !!!

- Simply, High Spirited

thank you most holey...wholly...holly...<>HOLY one. I'll be sure to attend to my angelix duties (immortality, etc.) once I get some sleep and buy a black trenchcoat.

Wait...I don't NEED sleep anymore do I?

YES!

Wait...I never slept before anyway...

arg.

Triv

* HE sits in his chair in his private chambers which are somewhat reminiscent of 1950s Britain, where it is always just before teatime… on the telly is a nature documentary about chaffinches and the wily, flighty ways. HE is currently asleep with his reading glasses at half-mast as it were, after reading tomorrow's newspaper… *

* St.Peter comes by to knock on the door more stridently this time, than the four previous…no response. *

* Many may say St.Peter might just be a stooge in the weird & wonderful workings of the Universe, but after almost 2000 years of continual service he has picked up a few tricks along the way… *

* He silently opens the large formidable oak door and sneaks over to the table where a number of star-charts are haphazardly strewn about, and grasps the port decanter and edges towards to the sleeping deity. He gradually eases out the stopper… *

GOD - …WHAT, WHAT'S GOING ON AROUND HERE !!!

* St.Peter eases away with a secret smile on his lips from the roused, irascible immortal… *

* St.Peter 1 vs GOD 1,985,987… *

St.Peter - Your majesticness, you were going to attend the Angel Ceremony…er, three hours ago ?

* HE rises from his comfy chair with ease for a gentleman with at least 1 billion years on the clock… *

GOD - Yes, yes enough with the idle chatter, or you'll make ME late !!!

* HE storms out the room leaving a bemused saint in his wake… *

* St.Peter 1 vs GOD 1,985,988… *

* HE enters the Wings Bar where the waiting Saints have been well & truly putting it away…infact newt's lie collapsed on the floor, that's just how much… *

GOD - Well, could Amanda please step forth…

* Amanda manages to scramble to her feet, gravity feels slightly put out by the fact and goes off to join a better union… *

GOD - I dub you Saint Amanda the Patron Saint of Novel Ideas !!!

May you go forth and seek out novelty in life, loves & literature !!!

* HE produces a golden sword from thin air resulting in continuity to black ban his activities, and a pair of printed wings & a rather cheesy, cheap shop, hula hoop halo appears… *

* Some saints at the bar cheer, just like they cheered when one of the flock made it all the way to the toilets and back eariler… *

GOD - Could Jester please step forward…

I dub you Saint Jester (Court of the Lizard King) the Patron Saint of Dead Rock Stars !!!

May you go forth & give comfort to those who pushed the boundaries of lurid excess so everyone else can safely live vicariously through them !!!

* A pair of black lurex wings sprout forth & a golden studded halo appear…then a golden sword flashes past… *

* HE pauses a little for it's truly thirsty work…watching others imbibe whilst you're doing your job… J *

* HE turns to Punting Small Dogs… *

I dub you Saint Punting the Patron Saint of Small Dogs !!!

May you go forth from here and mend your ways by being bound in service to help all the small dogs…even if it means sending all the truly annoying ones into orbit in small space-capsule like the Russians… *

* HE swings a golden sword… *

Er… Would you please step forward Triv…

* A pair of shaggy off white wings appear on Punting & a silver halo bearing a dog collar… *

Yes, if I MAY continue !!!

I dub you Saint Triv the Patron Saint of Merry-Go-Arounds !!!

May you go forth and stop all the middle-men giving people the run-a-round !!!

* HE swings the mighty golden sword with gusto… *

* Several minutes elapse… *

GOD - Oh fiddlesticks, let's get a drink, we could be here all day…

* HE grapples a bottle… *

Here we are Punt, have a 'Two Dogs'…

* Jester (Court of the Lizard King) interrupts… *

Jester (COTLK) - Why do they call it that ???

- Simply, High Spirited.

* A pair of fairground gaudy wings appear on Triv, plus a singular red dot of light circles endlessly around his head… *

triv bows deeply. His little red dot sends a random angel into an epileptic fit

**Whoops. Sorry guys. I'll try to be more careful with that little thing. If it makes you dizzy, I'll try to find a little lampshade for it. So, my newly appointed friends. Where's the mead?
<>

Ok, a pint of bitter will do.
Many thanks, now let's forget that tomorrow's Monday.

Triv (Patron Saint of Merry-Go-Rounds)

Man, I like the sound of that.

LOL!!!

* St.Peter thinks that Triv will be quite delighted about the complimentary free drinks in Heaven care of the 'Management'... *

St.P.

Congrats to all the new saints! may you all be brilliant in your new position!


now... wheres that drink I'm owed????