h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

*This large room is divided into two sections. The first, and more practical, section is filled with countless bits of gadgetry, ranging from unfinished robots to massive weapons to unusual computer components, to anything that could be required to put them together (or make something totally new and scarier)*

*The second section has an arena for spectators and a deep pit in which large and small robots of destruction appear to be duking it out against each other. The crowd, comprised of humanoids, aliens and robots, is cheering on the carnage as the robots tear each other to pieces*

*One may notice the Service Elevator leading away from here, or the giant banner across one wall which reads "The Terrible Twelve ROCK!", or even the small door marked "map room"*

*Oreo looks carefully around the room from the service elevator before stepping out into the construction shop.*

Hey, little buddy. Lots of toys here for you!

*Oreo picks up a relatively small pistol-like device that is covered in small tubes filled with coloured liquids. He shrugs and puts it in a pocket. He also pockets a handfull of transparent marble-sized spheres and an extendible hand mechanism. He tries on a lightweight breastplate and finds it fits perfectly so he leaves it on. He is just strapping on some ankle jetpacks when he notices the little door to the map room.*

Hmmmmm. That looks interesting.

*He turns back and looks at the arena.*

Well, I can come back and watch that after I check out the map room.

*He tries the door to the map room.*


I've assumed that the service elevator opens into the shop area, with the arena area somewhere beyond the far side of the shop. I've assumed the map room door opens off of the shop.

You assume correctly.


*A large Greklasian droid rushes into Oreo's way, blocking the process*

Droid-I'm afraid that you're not cleared to go through here. Staff and honored guests only. And you've not even submitted a single robot to the rumble. Besides, I don't like how you look. You're both....well, you'd have to get someone through to the end of a battle against the Terrible Twelve. And judging from the looks of you....a cybernetic cookie and the sorriest excuse for a midget assasin robot I've ever seen....you're best bet would be to build a robot from the stuff lying around here.

Oreo: Oh, er, I see. Terrible twelve, eh? Hmmmmmm.

*Oreo looks around the workshop at all of the robot paraphenalia, but his gaze keeps coming back to SLR.*

I've got an idea for a new game, little buddy. It's a variation on hucka bucka beanstalk. All you have to do is knock over twelve other robots in the Arena. But we're going to give you a little help, besides your uncanny luck.

*Oreo runs around the room collecting bits and pieces that appeal to him. He comes back to SLR.*

Okay, let's see. I got you this exploding nuclear cigar, a handfull of these transparent marble-sized spheres (whatever they are), this super-soaker filled with orange fluid, this bullwhip with a grip-eze handle, this can of silly-wire, this weighted net, this titanium badminton birdie, this calcu-gator, this defribulator and best of all, this hologram generator. With the hologram generator, you can make yourself look huge, or make yourself look like you're two steps to your left, or anything you can think of. Those other robots won't know where you are! It plugs right into your cpu.

So...ready to play, little guy?

*SLR obviously doesn't understand, but nods anyway and begins taking the various devices. Looks over in terror as a fifteen foot battle-mech limps away from the battle circuit, begging to be shut down to end the cascading circuitry errors*

*Follows SLR's gaze, frowns, then searches around the room a bit more. Eventually comes back to SLR.*

Okay, I found you this football helmet. It's made of some sort of metal and I think it might shield your, um, brain. You know, just in case of someone else getting off a lucky shot. 'Cuz they'd have to be lucky to hit something they can't locate. And with your hologram generator, they'll never know just where you are. Remember, in this game, you have to be the last one standing in the Arena. Kinda like hucka bucka beanstalk, you know.

*Hopes that this is indeed something like hucka bucka beanstalk, which he knows nothing about.*

*This isn't at all how hucka-bucka-beanstalk is played. Ergo, SLR understands perfectly. He equips himself with all of the gadgetry, and begins heading over to the Arena*

*Walks over to the bleachers and sits down. Cheers SLR when he enters the Arena*

GO SLR! GO GET 'EM! KNOCK 'EM DOWN!

*An alien with six eyes looks at Burford and SLR*

Alien-You're pretty confident, buddy. With that stuff back there, you could've built a fifty foot tall robot of annhialation if you're moderately skilled, or at least a larger battle-mech suit for a smaller robot to operate. Do you really think that short over there can beat the competition?

Announcer-And the next battle....Stupid Little Robot versus SithBot, Towering Terror, and Charmy The Cybernetic Leprechaun!

*SLR's antenna droops with fear when a fifty foot battle mech strolls into the field, followed by what looks like a robot carrying a lightsabre, and a little green cyborg with some very unusual looking weapons*

*Oreo turns to the alien*

Well, as a matter of fact, yes. Yes I do think he can beat the competition.

*Turns back to the arena*
USE THE HOLOGRAM, SLR! THE BIGGER THEY ARE, THE HARDER THEY FALL!


Damn. Should have wired him with a two-way radio. Could have told him to hide until there is only one of the other three standing. Oh well, his luck should see him through. That and all the stuff I found for him.

*SLR makes himself appear to be huge, causing a bit of confusion between the three robots*

Sithbot-I don't sense the robot truly being that large....but I can't really sense where the robot is, either.

Charmy-Leave that one to me.

*So saying, Charmy closes his eyes, pulls out a laser pistol and shoots and random. The shot veers about thirteen feet to the left of where SLR's giant hologram was standing, and strikes the real SLR right in the hologram generator. While none the worse for the ware, SLR's holograms will probably not be affective for the duration of the battle*

Sithbot-Lucky shot....

Charmy-You were expectin' otherwise?

Oh great! SLR's best weapon, out of commission. I sure hope some of that other stuff works.


SLR - GIVE THE LEPRECHAUN A CIGAR FOR SUCH A LUCKY SHOT!

*SLR dodges a six-foot-radius plasma explosion from the giant behemoth and the double-edged lightsabre of the SithBot while tossing the cigar to the Leprechaun. The Leprechaun picks it up and smokes it*

Charmy-Herm....kinda foul taste....hmmm....oh! No wonder. It be an explodin' cigar. Lucky for me 'twas a dud.

*Oreo presses a button on a remote control device. The button is marked "detonate cigar"*

*The cigar goes off in Charmy's hand....just as SLR ran up to deliver some close-quarters attacks. The explosion sends both combatants to opposite sides of the Arena. Their relative luck-auras are both visibly flickering into and out of existence after that blast as SLR struggles to regain his footing while the Sithbot and giant behemoth approach him quickly*

*Yells to SLR*

USE THE SPHERES!

*hopes the spheres will trip the bots bearing down on SLR*

*The Sithbot trips at the spheres that SLR throws, which causes it to let go of his lightsabre, which luckily slices the legs off of the larger robot that was further (and not bothered at all by the spheres). SLR rolls to his side, just in time to avoid the thrown lightsabre himself. By this time SLR, sparking and creaking just a bit, has managed to pull himself to his feet. Same with Charmy, however*

*Oreo decides that it might be a good idea to see if he can find anything to help SLR. He dashes back to the construction area and roots around. Nothing he finds seems suitable, and in desperation he snatches up something from a dusty shelf and rushes back to the arena. He throws his find to SLR.*

MIGHT BRING YOU MORE LUCK, BUDDY!

*SLR will find that he has been thrown an exotic looking green medalion.*

*SLR catches the medallion and examines it as Charmy approaches. He hears a voice that seems to be coming from the medallion*

Voice-Prepare to be granted the great knowledge of the ancients! Wisdom shall flow into you in 5....4....3....2....

*Knowing from experience what wisdom and knowledge do to dumb luck, SLR throws the medallion away with all his might. Luckily, it latches onto charmy*

Voice-1....

Charmy-Eh?

Voice-Become wise!

Charmy-Eh?

*Charmy suddenly feels his mind become filled with knowledge and wisdom. He also feels his luck quickly dwindle to nothing. He notes, much to his horror, that his foot has just stepped onto a previously placed sphere of some sort that he trips on, smashing his face into the hull of the giant robot. After a few moments of silence, the judges begin muttering*

Judge-Well,....is there a point in sending out the others? He beat the three most deadly....

Judge 2-Normally I'd say that there is a point....but the others are on vacation....

Judge 3-Others?

Judge 2-Other robots. We gave them the day off.

Judge-But the planet was just created a few hours ago!

Judge 2-Well, you know how things are ever since robots unionized....

*After some deliberation, SLR is tossed a wreath of victory and ordered off of the playing field. He slowly crawls back to Oreo, in obvious need of several repairs*

Woooo Hooooo!!!!!!! Way to go, little Buddy! Come on over here to the shop and I'll fix you up.

*Oreo leads SLR over to the workshop area, then stands in indecision.*

Er, maybe you should tell me what I should do. I'm not all that mechanically inclined.

*Eyes the little map room door.*

Soon as we fix you up, little buddy, we'll check out that map room. I have a feeling it's important in some way.