h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

*A very large casino with tables for cards and dice, and machines for roulette wheels, one-armed bandits and the like. The room doesn't have too many patrons at the moment, but it's the middle of the day, not peak business hours. On the opposite side of the room is a door marked "Exit", closely guarded by two very large-looking men in suits, who look very much like the security guards that one might find at the Grand Repository Of Knowledge. A robot standing in the middle of the hall seems to be constructed out of a nine-foot tall mishmash of various gaming machines. He's standing by a sign that reads "Battle 'Gambling Problem' For Free! 1 Attacker Per Fight."*

*When the two crazy typos-in-carnate burst in, they shoot the ceiling. They succesfully shoot the ceiling. Ceiling takes appropriate damage, doesn't seem affected however. Ceiling chooses to Defend for its next turn of combat, as it's been doing since it was created. No one really seems to pay much attention to them*

*Carefully peers around the door frame.*

[Yar, Corrigible, and Joseph follow.]

[Yar] We can only hope, KL. [looks] Damn.

[Laguna and Woogy begin bickering about who gets to be the one who fights it.]

[Yar] As for me, I think I'll try playing my way through.

*KL comes in. As a partial Bond-Type villain, the Casino environment seems to make him relax a bit. Archimedes follows*

So many games to choose from....

*Walks up to a slot machine and puts in one of her quarters.*

[Yar] I know what you mean. [looks around] Hmm ... lemme try my hand, as it were, at Poker ...

[Laguna and Woogy begin engaging in a Three Stooges brawl against each other, except with only two stooges and more ridiculous.]

*The machine that Scandrea put the coin into flashes to life, with the three revolving images spinning dramatically for effect. Surprisingly, when they stop rotating, each image shows a picture of Scandrea! Cutscene drops from the ceiling*

Cutscene-Just so you know, all of the games in this casino are a bit warped, but follow the same basic rules for playing as their normal counterparts. For instance, to play this slot machine, just pull the lever to have the pictures of members of your party rotate. I won't say any more, except that if you were to get, say, three Minos Krylma's on there then you might never have to worry about Oubillettes again. Oh, and while this Casino will remain open for your use for your entire trek through the castle, anything you lose will be kept in the casino's Safe just in case you, say, bet all your money on a rigged game, and then want it back. Enjoy!

*Cutscene jumps back into the darkness above as a robot attendant rises out of the ground to greet YK*

Robot-Sorry, no poker here yet. We'll have it in a few hours. You see, we just opened for business a few hours ago, and we haven't uploaded the poker software. However, I'm programmed for two types of Mao, and also for Double Fannucci.

*After her heart stops beating out of her chest, Scandrea reaches in her pocket again, and pulls out the remaining two quarters. She looks at them queasily, and feeds one to the machine.*

*mutter mutter* spider *mutter mutter* big shoe *mutter...*

*When activated the three images spin rapidly. The first picture slows, and eventually lands on an image of Archimedes. The second picture slows, and stops when it hits Burford Solo. The third picture slows, and winds up revealing Minos Krylma*

*....meanwhile, somewhere far above and away in the castle, the slot machine has activated one of AA5's reality warping cannons, created when AA5 first created this place with the original warping cannon blast that created this entire planet. This cannon focusses on a lightning rod, locks on and fires! The blast travels through the lightning rod, goes through a massive series of energy-chanelling syphons, and finally shoots from the slot machine to hit Scandrea*

*After contorting comically for a few moments, Scandrea is transformed into a being with the head of Archimedes (though the head has been made large enough to look normal), the body and arms of Burford Solo, and the legs of Minos Krylma! A monitor screen pops up in front of the slot machine, showing AA5 cackling madly in a dimly lit room*

AA5-HA! I was hoping someone would try my Persona-Shifting Slot Machines! These bandits steal more than just one arm, you see. Get it? No? Oh, well. I'm betting that you'll be trying to get your old form back from the Safe, then. Good luck. Oh, and just be glad that it didn't land on Woogy.

*The monitor flashes off and retracts back into the slot machine as "Gambling Problem" guffaws idiotically to itself*

Somehow I'm not exactly thankful!

*Attempts to walk over to the safe, but can't exactly get Minos Krylma's legs to work right with Archimedes compound eyes, and ends up tripping.*

Ugh! How do you walk with these?!?

*Stumbles and trips her way to the safe.*

Just for kicks, let's say the safe is behind a big painting that has a picture of a safe on it.


*Gambling Problem jumps in Scandrea's way, shaking his large Slot-Machine Head (w/dice for eyes...."Snake Eyes" that is!)*

Gambling Problem-Sorry, there. Safe is prize for beating me in fight. Must enter official fight. 1 Moxon.

*Cutscene falls from the ceiling again, tapping Scanrea on her new shoulder*

Cutscene-Incidentally, you're standard powers and attacks might not be functioning unless you found yourself in one of those pictures on the slot machine. However, it's possible that you've gained new ones. For instance, Minos Krylma's head could grant an acid-spitting ability or a tongue-lashing power due to his lizard-based body structure. So before you get into a new fight, remember that you'll have to take some time to adjust.

That... sounds like a plan...

*Finds a bench, and takes a seat, still trying to adjust to the compound eyes.*

Wonder what the chances would be of me putting my last quarter into the slot machine, and getting my body back?

Archimedes-Well, for each one of us here you would have one possibility for one of the three sections of the body. So, the odds are probably something like 1 : 3N, where N represents the number of people here. You've got approximately the same odd of getting your body back as you do of getting Woogy's body.

KL-In other words, slim. But if it helps, I can jump incredible distances and heights. And I think that Burford carries a gun of some sorts with him. So winning a fight against a nine-foot tall robot might not be too challenging.

Archimedes-And I can breathe fire. Not sure if you can use my teleportation or not, though, as that's not a "head" power....


If you're willing to risk that quarter again, I can always fire up the generator on my PC to run the program and see if you're lucky. But I doubt you'd be succesful.

Pass! My character needs experience anyway!

*Wishes all 272 of the Archimedes would stop the lecture on probability.*

Well, I suppose it's worth a shot...

*Stands up and fishes a Moxon out of her new pocket. She attempts to walk proudly toward the robot, but she still isn't used to having KL's legs. She looks more like a basilisk trying to do the mambo.*

*Gambling Problem readily accepts the Moxon and tosses it into a slot on one of his arms. Without wasting any time, Gambling Problem throws about a dozen dice at Scandrea's feet, hoping to both trip her up and get rid of her in the ensuing explosion when they go off*

*Scandrea jumps clear of the dice, but is /still/ not used to KL's legs, and overcompensates, barely missing scraping her head on the ceiling. She is now rather quickly falling toward Gambling Problem, and decides that this might be a good time to see if she did inherit Archimedes fire breath.*

[Yar] Sorry, I'd prefer to play games I have a reasonable grasp of the rules on /already/.

[He looks around to see what other games there are.]

[Laguna and Woogy, meanwhile, have stopped fighting. Laguna, without hesitation, puts a coin into one of the slot machines and pulls the lever.]

*The fire breath has, in fact, been inherrited and a massive jet of flame shoots down towards Gambling Problem. GP recoils, jumps to the side, narrowly avoiding the flame. The heat, however, was still close enough to melt a decent portion of some of the plastic components of his body near his head. He doesn't seem too concerned, however, and quickly extends an arm that has a roulette wheel with serrated edges at the end of it. The wheel begins spinning rapidly, acting as a buzz saw that Gambling Problem attempts to slash Scandrea with as she falls to the floor*

Gambling Problem-Ha! I cut lizard-bug person in two!

*By now the staff has realized that Gambling Problem is at it again. A sign lights up revealing that the current odds are placed at fourteen to one in Gambling Problem's favor. The patrons, robotic and non-robotic alike, have started frantically placing bets*

*Laguna, meanwhile, winds up with Y2K's head, Minos Krylma's body, and (unfortunately) Laguna's legs*

KL-Corrigible, here's hoping that you've got a good head on his shoulders....

*Scandrea dodges the roulette wheel by darting between Gambling Problems legs.*

*While Gambling Problem is occupied with Scandrea, Burford surrepititiously sidles towards the painting of the safe. Burford still has his blaster in his hand, which means that Scandrea's hand also holds a blaster.

Burford stands nonchalantly near the safe painting, waiting until no one is looking. In a brief moment when all gazes are elsewhere, he takes a quick peek behind the painting.*