h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

[Corrigible facepalms.]

[Laguna] [the S-word scribbled out] DOH1!11!11!!11!1!!!

[Woogy] LOLOLOLOLOOLOOLloLOLOLOLOOLOLLOLO

[Woogy bounces over to a slot machine, inserts a coin, and pulls the lever.]

[Joseph] Okay, this is getting ridiculous.

You've got to admit, it's probably an improvement...

*Realizes that she still has Burford's blaster, and aims a shot at the weak point in GP's knee.*

*Burford Solo sees what appears to be the exact safe drawn upon the painting. In fact, the painting might as well just be glass. It isn't, but it might as well be. There doesn't seem to be a visible locking mechanism on the outside, however*

*Gambling Problem takes the shot in the knee, which temporarily causes some of his leg circuitry to go haywire. The result is that he is now falling onto Scandrea. Everyone in the house with a bet on the result of this match is horrified that their candidate seems to be in a losing situation*

*Woogy turns into someone with Joseph's head, Joseph's body, and Archimedes' legs, which should prove to be fairly interesting*

*KL heads to a dice table and looks over it suspiciously*

*Can't really dodge GP, so she tries to jump to a place where it won't hurt as much when she gets hit...*

That teleportation bit that Archimedes was talking about would be nice right now!

*Unfortunately, the teleportation doesn't seem to work. It's probably a power related to Archimedes' body. However, Scandrea does manage to narrowly miss Gambling Problem. Assuming that she's getting more control over her jumping, she won't crash into the chandelier*

*Gambling Problem lands on his back and looks momentarily stunned. However, before much time passes, his four limbs all undergo a few minor changes (joint reversals, etc.) to effectively transform him into a creature walking on four legs with a slot-machine head sitting on a giant roulette wheel in the center. Gambling Problem jumps into the air and folds up his four legs just as the Roulette Wheel begins spinning, effectively turning him into a flying saucer of some sort. Gambling Problem begins by attempting to slam into Scandrea*

*Does crash into the chandelier, but somehow manages to keep enough wits about herself to hold on.*

Oww...

*She shakes it off, and notices that GP is coming to ram her. She scrambles to put the chandelier between GP and herself, draws Burford's blaster again, and shoots at the point where the roulette wheel is attached, trying to knock it off, or at least damage it to the point where GP can no longer stay airborne.*

*Gambling Problem spins so that a particularly flashy bit of Vegas-ish hardware is hit by the blaster. The blast ricochets off of GP, then off of the reflective ceiling, until it finally hits the chain that's holding the chandelier in the air. The chandelier and Scandrea then begin to fall at a rate of 9.82 meters per second squared, giving a rough estimate of how large the planet is*

*Lets go of the chandelier, and jumps clear.*

*Burford slips the hand holding the blaster behind the painting. He coughs and at the same moment pulls the trigger on the blaster. He quickly pulls his hand out from behind the painting and looks as innocent as he can.*

*Gambling Problem's slot machine-head activates, and lands on three lemons. A giant golden coin (serrated, of course) is shot from his payout bin towards Scandrea*

*And meanwhile, the safe is (surprisingly) undamaged. Also meanwhile, the painting covering it is (more surprisingly) undamaged*

*Minos Krylma seems to be making fairly succesful at the Mao table, with Archimedes going through a game of Plachinko*

*Third time is the charm, and Scandrea has finally got a handle on jumping. She attempts to jump the serrated coin, aiming to land on GP's head. If she misses GP, she will aim fire breath at it.*

[Woogy] OMG WTF!!!11!11!!11

[Joseph] Well? What were you EXPECTING?

*Peeks behind the painting.*

Damn!

*Has a sudden idea*




*Holsters his blaster and takes out a small laser knife. Looks both ways to make sure no one is looking, then attemts to cut a hole in the safe in the painting with his laser knife.*

[Corrigible] [at a game of Roulette] "Gaming Problem." That's Afgncaap5 all over ... [attempts to use the Force to ensure it lands on the number he bet on]

[Oh, and he muttered that, by the way]

*Scandrea lands on Gambling Problem's head. GP's solution is to begin flying upside down*

*Burford fails to harm the painting. The safe is also unharmed. Clever thought, though*

*YK will notice by now that the section of the floors where he is gambling is rotating by itself, much like a roulette wheel, with the section of floor directly beneath him lighting up to be the number that he was betting on. As the giant steel ball is deployed from above, the stasis field attempts to keep YK where he is*

Err... KL has huge nasty claws on his feet, right? Would those help me hold on?

*Tries to hold on with KL's claws long enough to use Archimedes' fire breath again to melt (what she assumes to be) GP's main CPU in its head. Failing that, she will again try to land safely.*

Hmmmmmm. A painting that is unaffected by a laser knife. Art galleries everywhere would kill for that technology. Let's see...


*Burford again waits until no one is looking, then he puts the muzzle of his blaster against the safe in the painting, adopts his safety squint, then pulls the trigger.*

[Corrigible (not Yar) thinks /fast/. Raises lightsaber straight up in an attempt to slice it in half in a Totally Awesome manner.]

[Yar] Okay, I'll bite. How do you play this ... 'Double Fanucci'? If that's how you spell it ...

*Corrigible succeeds in awsomely blasting it, Burford destroys the painting, but you can't really tell since the safe behind it looks just like it, and KL's claws aren't incredibly long, but they're capable of holding on long enough for some reasonable melting to occur to Gambling Problem, who begins to rapidly fall towards the floor with Scandrea beneath him. Meanwhile, the card robot looks at Yar with some pity.*

Dealer-Oh, I'm afraid that it's incredibly difficult to learn. A complete set of the updated rules would be one of the largest books in existence. However, it's a game that beginners can get into quickly, and that can challenge the greatest of masters due to its simple complexities.

To begin with, there are 15 suits of cards: Mazes, Books, Rain, Bugs, Fromps, Inkblots, Scythes, Plungers, Faces, Time, Lamps, Hives, Ears, Zurfs and Tops. Each of the cards in these suits can be one of eleven values: zero through nine, and infinity. There are also some "Face Cards" that have no numbers to them: Granola, Death, Light, Snail, Beauty, Time, Grue, Lobster, and Jester.

Players are dealt 4 cards, and at any point in the game when a player has less than 4 cards he or she may draw. An attempt to Draw when one holds 4 cards results in a lost turn.

With any card, a player may play it in any number of special ways: discard, combine, one-play, two-play, pass, over-pass, trump, undertrump, reverse, muttonate, divide, and ionize.

Cheating, while not directly allowed, is strictly covered in the rules. If a player attempts to cheat, they should just state so, and the laws of continuity and randomness will determine how succesful the attempt at foul play was. Cheating can only be done on the player's own turn.

And, naturally, a player may resign from the game at any point. In short, this means that the total options during any turn are to draw, discard, combine, one-play, two-play, pass, over-pass, trump, undertrump, reverse, muttonate, divide, ionize, cheat, and resign.

Beyond that, I can only tell you a few specifics due to time constraints. The easiest way to win is to succesfully undertrump three cards after an opponent discards a trebled fromp. Also, if one player's lead exceeds 1241 points then the game is declared a draw and must be played again in its entirety (except during a six player game where at least 3 players are of Mithican descent, or during a Frotz Moon, neither of which will be an issue here and now). Oh, and naturally, we'll be playing in the tradition of Port Foozle casinos with revized Miznian rules, 7th Level Amendments, and the following exceptions: no side-handling after an underfunded discard, two draws after a skybreaker, and an extra muttonation if the conditions of rule 17.4.1.B are met.

*The dealer takes deals out 4 cards to YK and 4 to himself. YK has a Death card, a Granola card, a Lobster card, and the 4 of Fromps. The dealer turns over the top card to reveal a Beauty card*

Dealer-You start.