h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Can I be The First Officer To Get Shot/Zapped/Disintergrated?

*plugs hole with towel. Flicks safety on*

Yep, I am as evil as they come (and they come pretty evil, according to popular sources. Shall I go and spread some evil in the Hangar?

ZB, why do you want to be shot/zapped/disintergrated??

And Chrome101, please don't spread the evil around - it's quite enough having evil security officers here...

Oh, you know, here and there. The odd passing borg(TM).
I do computer psychiatry because my computer used to keep breaking down...

*looks unprepossessing*
You couldn't help my computer, could you? I managed to pick the bullets out, but ... *sighs deeply* the psychological wounds are still there.

*Pulls out a watch, and tells Chrome 101 to watch it. When Chrome starts, he punches Chrome, knocking him out. Pulls out a mini-surgery kit, does some messing with Chrome's brain, and finishes the surgery, leaving only a tiny, nearly invisible scar*

Okay, Big Evil Dan? When he wakes up, tell him that I know exactly what he went through. Also, please mention to him that I did 'hypnosis', not '50 second neural surgery*. It won't get your Arch-Super Villain license taken away, but it'll come back to haunt you if people find out that you performed the surgery without turning people into mindless slaves.

*Wanders off, after posting seventeen more, newer messages on the board*


HELP GUARANTEE SAFETY OF H2G2!!!

GO TO HANGAR 42 AND SEE AFGNCAAP5 OR GARIUS LUPUS FOR DETAILS

I'll see what I can do...
{sits down in the corner and starts conforting computer}

This may take a while... {smiling}

*Wakes up, checks pockets*
Uh, ah, what!
Phew, my Bruce Springsteen CD is still there!
*looks at The Cow*
You don't charge by the hour, do you?

Thanx Alien Chief person

*Sets up a Useless Office in the behind a big mole, where nobody can see it*

*shouts from behind Mole* I SHALL ENDEAVOUR....TO BE AS USELESS....AS...POSSIBLE...CHIEF...

Charge by the hour? No. 15 Alterian dollars a day. Well, I have to fund my hitchhiking somehow!

*Ponders*

Well, it seems a good price. I'll be leaving very soon, so here's 30 altairian dollars, and I expect results!

It's something to do, I suppose.

I see... Well, you're hired!

*takes computer off to his soon-to-be-opened office*

Hey I just arrived this morning. Lovely station you have here. Are you guys looking for a Chief Station Engineer? I can also double as that guy who makes witty, wry, and sarcastic comments in life-or-death situations. Thanks.

*reads through the list of employees*

We don't seem to have a Chief Engineer yet... I wonder why... But sure, you're in!! And you are free to make any comments in any situations... Welcome!!

Thanks! First order of buisness, fix that bullet hole in the bulkhead, look at this *pulls out a towel* someone just plugged it up with a towel! Hmmm... let's see... *opens toolbox* Laser Wielder, Photon Micrometer, Flux Capacitor, Ah, here we are. Duct Tape! *patches hole* all set. Well I'll just head down to your engine room now and see what needs to be done.

Now that's a chief engineer, knows to use the proper tools to do a job right. You wouldn't happen to have any bailing wire in there that I could borrow would you? I'm fresh out.

Sure I've got tons of it! I have plenty of Super Glue, and PVC piping too. There's bailing wire by the roll in the engine room, help yourself.

I've been between jobs now forever and seem to feel a strange sensation. I think I need to break free from my total useless existence and become part of your organization.

I'm good at keeping peace, making money and supplying anything illegal to anyone.

Give me a cool sounding position and I'll make you proud.

getafix