Cats And Dogs: Part I

4 Conversations

Back to So Long And Thanks For Laughing.


A tiger
  1. Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb
    on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth
    pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
  2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.
  3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.
  4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open
    and push pill to back of mouth with right fore-finger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.
  5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.
  6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat.
    Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's
    throat vigorously.
  7. A cat afraid of medication
  8. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains.
    Carefully sweep shattered Doulton figures from hearth and set to one side for glueing later.
  9. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end
    of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.
  10. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink glass of water to take taste away. Apply band-aid to
    spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.
  11. Retrieve cat from neighbour's shed. Get another pill. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave
    head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.
  12. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put door back on hinges. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for
    date of last tetanus jab. Throw Tee-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.
  13. Ring fire brigade to retrieve cat from tree across the road. Apologise to neighbour who crashed into fence while
    swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil-wrap.
  14. Tie cats front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy duty
    pruning gloves from shed, force cat's mouth open with small spanner. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of
    fillet steak. Hold head vertically and pour =BD pint of water down throat to wash pill down.
  15. Get spouse to drive you to casualty, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill
    remnants from right eye. Call at furniture shop on way home to order new table.
  16. Arrange for RSPCA to collect cat and ring local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.

Strict, Unbending Rules For Dealing With Stray Cats

  1. Stray cats will not be fed.
  2. Stray cats will not be fed anything except dry cat food.
  3. Stray cats will not be fed anything except dry cat food moistened with a little milk.
  4. Stray cats will not be fed anything except dry cat food moistened with warm milk, yummy treats and leftover fish scraps.
  5. Stray cats will not be encouraged to make this house their permanent residence.
  6. Stray cats will not be petted, played with or picked up and cuddled unnecessarily.
  7. Stray cats that are petted, played with, picked up and cuddled will absolutely not be given a name.
  8. Stray cats with or without a name will not be allowed inside the house at any time.
  9. Stray cats will not be allowed inside the house except at certain times.
  10. Stray cats will not be allowed inside the house except on days ending in "y".
  11. Stray cats allowed inside will not be permitted to jump up on or sharpen their claws on the furniture.
  12. Stray cats will not be permitted to jump up on, or sharpen claws on the really good furniture.
  13. Stray cats will be permitted on all furniture but must sharpen claws on new £114.99 sisal-rope cat-scratching post with three perches.
  14. Stray cats will answer the call of nature outdoors in the sand.
  15. Stray cats will answer the call of nature in the three-piece, high-impact plastic tray filled with Fresh'n'Sweet kitty litter.
  16. Stray cats will answer the call of nature in the hooded litter pan with a three-panel privacy screen and plenty of head room.
  17. Stray cats will sleep outside.
  18. Stray cats will sleep in the garage.
  19. Stray cats will sleep in the house.
  20. Stray cats will sleep in a cardboard box lined with an old blanket.
  21. Stray cats will sleep in the special Kitty-Komfort-Bed with non-allergenic lamb's wool pillow.
  22. Stray cats will not be allowed to sleep in our bed.
  23. Stray cats will not be allowed to sleep in our bed, except at the foot.
  24. Stray cats will not be allowed to sleep in our bed under the covers.
  25. Stray cats will not be allowed to sleep in our bed under the covers except at the foot.
  26. Stray cats will not play on the desk.
  27. Stray cats will not play on the desk near the computer.
  28. Stray cats are forbidden to walk on the computer keyboard on the desk when the human is dfjjhhkl;ljfd.;oier'puyykmm4hbdm9l o9jmdskdm,. USING IT.


A dog and a phone
  1. If I like it, it's mine.
  2. If it's in my mouth, it's mine.
  3. If I can take it from you, it's mine.
  4. If I had it a little while ago, it's mine.
  5. If it's mine, it must never appear to be yours in any way.
  6. If I'm chewing something up, all the pieces are mine.
  7. If it just looks like mine, it's mine.
  8. If I saw it first, it's mine.
  9. If you are playing with something and you put it down, it automatically becomes mine.
  10. If it's broken, it's yours.


  1. Both take up too much space on the bed.
  2. Both have irrational fears about vacuum cleaning.
  3. Both mark their territory.
  4. Neither tells you what's bothering them.
  5. The smaller ones tend to be more nervous.
  6. Both have an inordinate fascination with women's crotches.
  7. Neither does any dishes.
  8. Both fart shamelessly.
  9. Neither of them notice when you get your hair cut.
  10. Both like dominance games.
  11. Both are suspicious of the postman.
  12. Neither understands what you see in cats.


  1. Dogs do not have problems expressing affection in public.
  2. Dogs miss you when you're gone.
  3. Dogs feel guilty when they've done something wrong.
  4. Dogs admit when they're jealous.
  5. Dogs are very direct about wanting to go out.
  6. Dogs do not play games with you -- except fetch (and they never laugh at how you throw.)1
  7. You can train a dog.
  8. Dogs are easy to buy for.
  9. The worst social disease you can get from dogs is fleas.

    (OK, the really worst disease you can get from them is rabies, but there's a vaccine for it and you can kill the one that gives it to you).
  10. Dogs understand what "no" means.
  11. Dogs mean it when they kiss you.


  1. A dog's parents will never visit you.
  2. A dog loves you when you leave your clothes on the floor.
  3. A dog limits its time in the bathroom to a quick drink.
  4. A dog never expects you to telephone.
  5. A dog will not get mad at you if you forget its birthday.
  6. A dog does not care about the previous dogs in your life.
  7. A dog does not get mad at you if you pet another dog.
  8. A dog never expects flowers on Valentine's Day.
  9. The later you are, the happier a dog is to see you.
  10. A dog does not shop.


  1. If you stare at someone long enough, eventually you'll get what you want.
  2. Don't go out without ID.
  3. Be direct with people; let them know exactly how you feel by piddling on their shoes.
  4. Be aware of when to hold your tongue, and when to use it.
  5. Leave room in your schedule for a good nap.
  6. Always give people a friendly greeting. A cold nose in the crotch is most effective.
  7. When you do something wrong, always take responsibility (as soon as you're dragged shamefully out from under the bed).
  8. If it's not wet and sloppy, it's not a real kiss.

Silly Pet Questions

How many calories in a mouse?

"How many calories in a mouse?" and "What should I feed a borderline collie?" were just a few of the wacky questions that the Iams Pet Professionals fielded from pet owners last year. The last year of the century was another bumper
year for weird and wonderful calls to The Iams Company's pet care hotline. Here are the team's favorite calls in 1999 to 800-863-IAMS (4267):

"I have trouble seeing what I'm scooping in my yard. Can your food turn my dog's poop pink?"

dog owner, Ronkonkoma, N.Y.

"Is your cat food good for urinal infections?"

cat owner, San Jose, Calif.

"My two-year-old daughter loves the taste of Iams, is it okay for her to eat it?"

mother, Staten Island, N.Y.

"What's the best way to get superglue off my dog's paws?"

dog owner, Arlington, Texas.

"Can a dog get claustrophobia?"

dog owner, Cambridge,Mass.

"My dog growls in his sleep, do you think he could have a vitamin B deficiency?"

dog owner, Puyallup, Wash.

"I think if my dog received mail, it would build his character. Can I register him on your mailing list?"

dog owner, Richmond, Va.

"How do I potty train my pot belly pig?"

pot belly pig owner, Vero Beach, Fla.

"What's up with my cat? She looks at me strangely when I sing and dance for her."

cat owner, New York, N.Y.

I have two new kittens and I don't want to leave them home alone. Can I carry them around in my gym bag?"

new kitten owner, Brooklyn, N.Y.

"I'm thinking of setting up a kennel, and I was wondering ... how much poop can 50 dogs make in one year?"

dog owner, Davis, Calif.

"My son just sold me a subscription to the Iams Your Cat magazine. But you tell me it's free?"

concerned mom, Englewood, Ohio.

"When my dog pees, he leaves brown patches all over the lawn. Is he peeing fire?"

dog owner, Covington, Ky.

"I raise worms, the world's most perfect protein source. How about using them in your food?"

worm farmer, Long Barn, Ohio.

"I can smell my cat's urine and tell what cat food brand she's eating. Can you use this talent at Iams?"

cat owner, Sacramento, Calif.

"When these type of calls come in, it's hard to keep a straight face," says Sally Northcutt, manager of Customer Service, The Iams Company. "But we know that most of the time we have a customer on the phone who is genuinely
concerned for his or her pet. Our sole purpose is to help pet owners with their questions, so however strange those questions may seem, we try our best to answer them.

So Long, And Thanks For Laughing
1Hey ladies, we men just laugh lovingly at how adorable you look when you throw... as long as it's not a shoe.

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