h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

*Thinks about the psycological damage that might have on Ampton*

No, it just means I'm going to have to add some donut stabilizers. You know, make sure it goes down the right tube.

*Pulls out some elastic tubing and starts threading it through the gears*

*Hands plates to Affy*

Thanks, Lil. We'll be up soon, I think.

*Finishes the tubing and skeletal structure*

Okay, now it's time for the easy part. Because of this skeletal structure, we can just snap in his plating without ant welding, sodering, etc. He'll be able to change their color to alabaster if he really wants to, but I think he won't.

*Begins affixing the plated metal to Ampton's skeletal structure*

*Helps put the last pannel in place*

There, you're all done, Ampton.

*Ampton runs over to a mirror, looks himself all over and jumps up and clicks his heels. He begins break dancing to a tune in his own head. He goes into a spin on his back and soon is a purple blur*

Man, he is good at that, isn't he?

For a robot that never had a lesson, and was never programmed for it, he's the best one I've seen. I think I'lll anounce the good news to Lil and the rest. Then we might get to work on the final stages of the polarity switches.

Oh, by the way, that's not a new Anti-Ampton, that's a new bot entirely. He can be Ampton-inspired, but he should be slightly more evil, and bright silver. Here are Lenore's blueprints. What I actually needed from you was a physical realisation of the robot she already designed.

*Affy glances at the blueprints, and grins*

I think I've got what you're looking for. With just a few simple modifications, you can unleash it on my crew.

*Silence*

I just won't think about that. Now ...

*Pushes a button on wristwatch, and a cylinder rises out of the floor. Inside is an Ampton-ish robot, still purple, but a darker shade. He stand at about five feet (roughly a foot higher than Ampton), and his face is set in what looks like a maniacal grin*

This was Ampton's original design. I never programmed it, so that should be an easy part. I can reset the whole color scheme thing, load it with even more weapons than the original Ampton, etc. I never finished this one because I was had just finished unveiling the Snowball Cannon at Joanna's Donut Stall, and could still feel the Curse just on my doorstep.

Anyway, I can set it to exactly the specifications you want. Give me till the next post, and I'll have a robot that, when described appropriately, will send shivers up the spine of researchers. As usual, this will all be charged to your S.T.U.M.P.E.D. acount.

And, as we all know, I'm a member in Good and Rotten standing with STUMPED. This robot looks wonderful. Getting it /on to/ the Mangar is something I haven't figured out yet, but for now maybe he can assist Captain Black (Darth Noire) with the interogations...
~evil grin~

Thank you, Affy.

You're welcome.

*Works for a few hours. Sets everything up quite nicely, and pulls the velvet cover off of the new robot. The robot is bright silver, the maniacal grin is more like a leer, or even a scowl. Instead of an antenna, this robot has a Jacob's ladder, just to make the visual image more startling. The robot's front compartment slides open to reveal small grenades, several shuriken, mini-bazookas, a cage with a tarantula in it, and many other nasty goodies, with room to add more when needed. The hands change shape, first into a low-frequency lazer blaster, to a snowzar, to a sleetzar, to a mace. Around the robot's waist is a belt with several guns shooting many varieties bof lazer beams, flames, polka melodies, pies, and rapid fire darts. There are also simple daggers, axes, and electrified night sticks for close range combat*

I believe that this robot will suit your purposes well. Just to make things a tad easier, this robot speaks more frequently than Ampton.

*Pulls out a remote control, and pushes a strange combination of buttons. The robot's eyes begin glowing in a dull red light*

ROBOT-Well, what're you people looking at? Take these clamps off my feet so I can rob a bank, or something.

AFFY-Not the most imaginative of robots, I suppose. But, his personality and name can be altered. Will this be sufficient?

As for transporting him, we have a matter transporter that we salvaged when the old space needle at the Aroma Cafe was demolished. It should do the trick.

*Shuts off the robot,puts it in a crate with several instructions, warnings, and legal wavers in the event of property or personal damage. Sets the matter transference beam to "The Raven", and sends it*

That should do the trick. Now, I think I've got these polarity switches working. Let's test that next. But what to test with?

*Glances around the lab, and happens to notice the remaining 998 monkeys*

Well, well, well. Three down, 997 to go ...

*Pulls a page out of a typewritter*

Hmmm. The Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy. Oh, well. I guess we couldn't expect Shakespear with only 997.

Okay, let's take just 500 of these, and put them in a room with their typewriters. The rest for other tests.

*Turns on the portal*

Now, where did monkey #3 go?

*from top of stairs*
Yo!
Let me know when you're planning to loose these guys, will you?
*sound of babygate slamming shut followed y indignant chittering*
This litle fellow nearly got into the nephew's rooms.
*walks into office dragging macaque by the wrist*
Next time, l -- oh! Ampton! You look terrific!
Is Ampton avaiable for housebot duties again?

The purple, break-dancing donut freak Ampton is available for house duties, but the Ampton inspired, bright silver, tool of evil Ampton isn't.


Thanks for escorting him back, Lil. Now ...

*Tosses the monkey into the portal. Pushes a button on his watch, and waits for about five minutes*

Okay, so this polarity switch doesn't work. That's 503 monkey's taken care of, 497 to go.

What bright silver bot? The purple one is the one I meant.
*turns to go back upstairs but stops*
You have one lonely ape somewhere on the slopes of Mt Sandeverest; could you not spare a few monkeys so he can have a family group?

I leave you to your creative endeavours.

Lil's right. I think I'll make 49 more of those chimps big, and sned 'em all up to join King Kong 1.

*Herds 49 monkeys into a large pen located outside the official complex*

Okay, I don't know if doing this to fifty is such a good idea. Lemme calculate the odds of this succeeding vs. the odds of this being something too risky to handle right now.

*Calculates*

I think I'll go ahead with it anyway.

*Blasts the ray gun, and runs towards his battle suit as the monkeys start to get larger*

Thank you. I've named him Montressor, and he's currently in "off" mode in the Raven's cargo hold. Good thing, too, I see from his schematics that his loyalty settings haven't been programed yet. Having a well armed robot servant is one thing, having a well armed psycho, anarchist android is another story.

I like that. I think I'll call him Montressor the Anarchist Android.

/Red

Be careful with Montressor. Some of those weapons are pretty delicate. If he accidently lets one go off, the Raven could blow up from the inside out.

But I'm sure that won't happen. Meanwhile ...

*Enters the battlesuit and begins herding the giant monkeys towards Mt. SandEverest*

*Just after Affy steps out, the monkey pops out of the portal, throws a banana peel at GL and says:*

"I believe you dropped this. Please do not put trash in the portal. Thank you."

*The monkey flips the polarity switch and dives back into the portal.*

Hmmmmm. Might be interesting on the other side of that thing.