h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

The problem with Ampton is that I rewired him to spy on Garius and Affy in another thread. They've discovered the bug, but not fixed him yet as they still have to disarm his self destruct mechanism (one of my devilish plots to sabotage their mission to Zork). So he's still working for me, and I think we've already established that I'm not trustworthy.

How about if I stand way over here, and you, Lil, flip that switch? There is such thing as honor among theives (Garius is in STUMPED, too) but he's also a hero, and I don't know how I'll react to his helplessness.

I am a bit of a joiner, aren't I? Superhero _and_ supervillian.

And about Ampton. There might be a bit of a continuity problem there. You see, Ampton is here. He was alabastered during the changeover and is quite dejected now over his new look. Affy will fix him when he gets back, but in the meantime we may have a continuity problem. That is, we would have, if not for the fact (nudge, nudge, wink, wink) that the Ampton who is on the mission to Zork is a clever reproduction - exactly the same as the real Ampton in all respects except for the self-destruct mechanism and the real Ampton's new skin.

Maybe I'll wait until we get the remote control for the polarity switch built before I try the worm hole. I don't think you could hold me by the ankles, because it just sucks in anything that is attached, no matter how strong.

*Wanders in, followedc by his theme music*

Sorry, I wrote theme music for myself while I was away. The dramatic chord speakers insist on playing it whenever I enter a new room. I just heard about Ampton, too. So . . . the Ampton on the Mangar is a fake? Well, I suppose it's the only possibility that we could go with within the laws of continuity. Right?

Anyway, this is a dangerous trip. We should (just because it'd be fun) all go through, and carry our own polarity remotes. Them we'll arm ourselves with some fun little weapons, and jump through. Is anyone else interested in having a multi-dimensional safari?

Well, if *we're* here, and on the Space Station at Risa at the same time, then of course, Ampton could be, too. Heck, I've got different outfits for different forums, and Irv switches hairstyle and color when he goes into the Space Center threads.

If that Ampton *does* have to be a fake, then maybe I'll just get myself and evil Ampton twin for the Raven, and you guys can let the one you've got hold of self-destruct... better be pretty sure it's a doppleganger, though!

/Red

Y'all might be talking about a plot thread from somewhere I haven't been, like the Space Centre. Mangar? Is the fakeness to do withturning alabaster? Just curious.

The fakeness has to do with they're solution to the problem of the exploding Ampton. It's like this:

In the Space Center, on board the Crater Labs ship the Mangar, Ampton was apparently relaying vital information to Lenore, the Artificial Intelligence computer system on my ship, the Raven. When Affy and Garius discovered the spy, they opened him up to find a self destruct mechanism hard wired into his system, set to explode if Ampton was found out as my spy. It turns out that this wasn't really Ampton, but rather an Ampton clone of my own creation, sent to spy on them. They know it's not Ampton because the real Ampton has just been Alabastered, and Anti-Ampton (as I call him now) still retains Ampton's trademark purpleness. So they froze him and are getting ready to toss him into the void of space. I'm going to have Lenore design a new android for me, who I will name Montressor, after one of Edgar Allen Poe's "heros" (by which I mean murderers).

This is the same set of threads where I kidnapped Irving.

In the first line of my last post it should have been "their", not "they're". Sorry.

*Looks up from gathering welding tools*

Forgiven.

Now, I've got to figure out which would be more interesting to do. Change Ampton's skin, jump through the portal, or make the remote control.

*Happens to get a glance of Ampton as he scurries by, just within view. Shudders*

I think I'll do Ampton first. That new skin just looks wrong. Don't see why he needs a "shop" button, either.

*Runs around the lab, gathering odd bits and peices of equipment, including plates of metal, new wiring, gears, welding/soddering equipment, and a long table. Then leaves, and comes back in a surgery gown*

Now, if only I can get Ampton to show up.

*Begins tinkering on watch in an attempt to install a polarity switcher in it*

GL, I just had a thought: what if switching the polarity causes the portal to go somewhere else automatically? Maybe we'd better install tracking devices in our remote controls.

*Sets a stack of donuts on the operating table, and hides behind a small pile of old machinery, motioning for others to do the same*

*clatters energetically down the stairs*
Affi, good job you did on Ampton! When he brought fresh donuts up just now he was as purple as if nothing ever happened to him. He's just gone down in the service lift.

*sees donuts on table*

*Alabaster Ampton comes in from lab, hearing Lil's voice*

What?

*Is about to speak when he sees a purple Ampton at the top of the stairs. Looks back at Alabaster, then back to Purple*

Okay. We may be experiencing multi-forum crossovers, another Anti-Ampton, or something entirely different. But for now . . .

*Quickly grabs Ampton and ties him to the operating table*

Now, let's work out this other Ampton. I just came from the Laws Of Continuity page, but . . . I'm not sure this is covered.

*Pushes a button on his watch, and a strange looking hologram pops up in mid-air*

Okay, this is a map of h2g2. I've got it all here. It looks so strange because it's showing the entire space/time continuum of h2g2. Lemme just set it for ours . . .

*Image shifts to show the h2g2 countryside, with the unusual feature that everything is red*

That's not right. I programmed it to place a red dot wherever Ampton was. But the whole map's red.

*Looks at both Ampton's*

I don't understand it! I mean, not even with the creepy combination of the space/time continuum, laws of continuity, and other Ampton clones running around does this make sense! Unless . . .

*Glances at the purple Ampton at the top of the stairs. Thinks back to what he's heard: Ampton changed to alabaster when h2g2 had it's upgrade*

Unless . . . oh no.

*Collapses onto the floor, thinking*

Lil? I think we may have a problem. I've figured out why Ampton can dodge my homing signals, tracers, jump from forum to forum, and cause whatever general havoc he wants. Ampton must be woven into the very fabric of h2g2's space/time continuum! It's possible that if something bad happened to Ampton, we might all cease to exist.

*Glances at the Alabaster Ampton strapped to the table*

I've never felt so insecure when around a robot before. Only one thing to do!

*Pulls out his tools*

Remove the donut/doughnut crumbs stuck in his system that made him act the way he does in the first place! If only I can find them.

*Shuts off Alabaster, noticing with much relief that the purple Ampton didn't get shut off as well*

I'll be offline for a few minutes, working on this problem. I'll be back soon.

*Exits, a worried expression on his face*

*looks concerned*
I had heard a rumor about an anti-Ampton...

*Reamerges from RL*

That's just it. That can't be an Anti-Ampton, because the only Anti-Ampton there is is currently frozen in an chunk of ice on board the Spaceship Mangar. But I'm fairly confident that if I can just dislodge that first donut crumb he ate, we might at least have some way of making Ampton's existence more healthy for h2g2. I'll be able to reset this new color scheme that he's got going, too.

*Begins to cautiously remove the plated metal on Ampton, and pulling out some small flashlights and a pair of tweezers*

Wait! If we've got two Amptons because Ampton is woven into the fabric of H2G2, and one of our Amptons has purple (original) skin, and the other has alabaster (new) skin, then might it follow that by changing Alabaster Ampton in any way we would only affect those researchers using the Alabaster skin, and if we were to try to revert Alabaster Ampton back to Purple Ampton, the Alabaster skin researchers would cease to exist all together? Or at least not be able to use the Alabaster?

This is a major continuity problem. I only wish I had come up with it on my own, and used it to threaten someone. I know for certain that the purple Ampton at the top of the stairs is not Anti-Ampton because I only made one, and it's not Montressor, my new Android, because I only have blueprints for him at present, no physical bot. I was going to ask Affy to help me build him.

/Red

I'll have the schematics for your new Anti-Ampton done soon, and I'll Email them to Lanore.

However, Ampton being changed to Purple won't make the new researchers cease to exist, you see, because those of us around since before the update on wednsday have the option of changing our color. And besides, I think Ampton won't be harming the laws of physics in h2g2 anymore once I remove this pesky little donut crumb.

Oh, and I'll make sure that Ampton has the choice of going to Alabaster if he wants to. I shouldn't force my will on him, even if he was originally designed to be a menial droid.

*Pulls out some glasses that make his eysight 20/5. Begins looking over Ampton's mechanisms*

Okay, I see it. It'll take a bit to move it out, though. Now . . .

*Looks around the lab*

Okay, get a firm grip on reality. Who knows what'll happen when I remove this crumb.



Kinda makes you wonder even more where Joanna gets her ideas for donuts.

Affy (with outstretched hand): Number 42 hex-head nut driver.

*GL slaps the Number 42 hex-head nut driver into Affy's hand*

Affy (pointing): Shine the light in here.

*GL adjusts the light to shine where Affy is pointing.*

Affy (with outstretched hand) Size 3 tweezers

*GL slaps the Size 3 tweezers into Affy's hand. The tension in the room builds.*

*Mindspring is heard meeping cheerfully at the top of the stairs. There is a sound like an old fashioned beercan being opened by a churchkey*
*backing away slowly, Lil looks upward to see the Ampton at the top of the stairs pressed up against the baby gate as Mindspring hooks a claw into its body and drags downward*
*whispering*
Did you guys want that other purple bot?

*Looks up the stairs and back to the Alabaster Ampton. Thinks*

Well, I suppose it would be good for all of the Ampton's we can locate to be in good health when we stabalize reality. But I don't see why that would affect anything, really.

*Manages to get the tiny tweezers around the donut crumb. Starts pulling*

Man, is this thing jammed in here! Why did I ever make his internal gears out of kevlar?

*Gives one final pull. An explosion throws everyone against the walls, and beams of a more stabilized reality shoot out of Ampton and begin spreading around H2G2. In a few minutes, the maelstrom subsides and Affy looks at Ampton's gears*

Hey, they're actually turning! No wonder he was affecting the laws of physics-his logic gears were the jammed ones. He didn't know any better than to affect reality. Now, just so we can have the good old Ampton back, let's 'alter' his CPU so that he doesn't think logically, but his logistics sensors can still make things impossible for him.

*Begins rewiring the wires in Ampton's boom box brain*

*Wipes brow and glances up the stairs to see Mindspring looking curiously at her now empty paw.*

Well, that's a good sign. Now Ampton won't be able to exist in more than one place any more than the rest of us do.

*Finishes rewiring the CPU*

Okay, now for the part we need to accomplish: the color. Hand me plates of alabaster and purple. We'll weld them together, and attach them to gears that allow him to change color.

Mindspring: "Chuh?"

*Lil is greatly relieved and decides to go upstairs and make tea*

Gentlemen, you are welcome to join me when you are done. Does this mean no more donuts for Ampton?