h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

said: "I wonder who put this spiral staircase in the middle of the wilderness and why are we riding down it and what kind of idiot squire would put my pants on backwards?"

Smedly grinned sheepishly and continued riding to the bottom of the staircase, where he found a raging river that they had to cross.

As they sat on their horses, wondering how to cross, they heard a small hollow voice say: ...

... "Only those of true virtue can cross."

The Knight looked around and was startled when the voice spoke again and said: "By virtue I of course mean 3.50 for the toll."

The Knight spun around and saw...

... a cute little elf.

"And what do you propose to do if I don't pay the toll?", said the knight.

"Well," said the elf, "besides not conjuring up a bridge, I will ... "

... have my friends the trees kick you #@*."

The knight was thinking this over and decided to pay but Smedly was very skeptical.

He insulted the elf and kicked it in the shin, the angered elf then ...

...set Smedly's hair on fire. While Smedly was running around screaming things like "Aaiiggh!!" and "Put it out!!" and "Water!!" and suchlike, the elf turned to the Knight. The Knight glared at him and said...

"...Do you know how much money a good, or even half-way decent squire costs these days!!!"

The elf realized he had gone too far and was carefully eyeing the knight whose hand had moved to his sword.

To diffuse the situation the elf...

...pulled a large glazed ham out of the knight's left ear. The knight looked at him oddly, which is generally how people look at you if you pull foodstuffs out of their orifices. "Where in the name of...

... Arnold did you get that?

The elf, hearing the secret and revered name of the Lord High Elf of Elfdom, bowed down before the knight and promised to serve and accompany him whereever he went.

The knight, liking the idea of having his own personal elf, agreed and asked the elf ...

...to help smedly and round up a horse for himself.

This turned out to be one of those cultural taboos and misunderstandings that take place from time to time; The confused elf who never imagined riding a horse quickly found a pony and devoured it.

The owner of the horse...

..., who's name was Hoss, demanded payment and vowed not to leave until payment was secured.

The knight, having nothing to pay Hoss with, decided to proceed with his quest and pulled the elf up with him on his own horse.

The elf muttered some magic bridge-making words and the party, now numbering 4, ...

...trudged across the bridge. Or rather, three of them walked and Smedly, still upset about his head having been on fire, trudged. This had the effect of...

...confusing the other three group members, who had never seen anyone trudge before.

They continued and reached the other side.

Hoss was still upset about his pony, so he...

...confusing the other three group members, who had never seen anyone trudge before.

They continued and reached the other side.

Hoss was still upset about his pony, so he...

... trudged too, thinking that sooner or later these guys would find something valuable and he would be compensated for his loss.

Once across the bridge, Hoss climbed up behind Smedly on his horse and the group rode on until they came to the edge of a large forest, where they set up camp for the night.

Smedly busied himself cooking ...

...bagels with cream cheese and lox. He did this partly because he was still a bit addled from having his brain reach temperatures in excess of 300°F, but mostly because he didn't know how to cook. Hoss grumbled about it...

. . . quietly, seeing as the other three seemed to actually enjoy it.

Poor Hoss, not realizing that because of this unfortunate bit of pony payment, he would become an integral part of this party at some point.

While not thinking of that, a strange, cloaked figure stepped out from behind a tree, and said . . .

..."Owwww!!!!"

The figure than fell face forward onto the fire with a knife protruding from his back.

After sitting quietly behind the corpse for a few minutes, the group...

...told Hoss to poke at it with a stick to make sure that he was dead. "Why do I gotta poke at it? Send elf-boy or Smedly," complained Hoss. The elf and Smedly looked at each other...

... and were both suddenly struck by the idea that asparagus would not make a good pizza topping.

Just then a poor traveling wastrel (spend-thrift, good-for-nothing) happened by and said "I'll do anything for a buck."

So the group (not counting the wastrel)...

...managed to find a buck between them.

As the wastrel approached the cloaked figure, it stired.

Sensing that he had made his buck without doing anything, the hastrel hid behind a tree to wait for everyone's reaction, but they seemed more interested in the cloaked figure who pulled out the dagger, stood up, and said ...