h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Alakazam! [cut to the Pokémon "Alakazam." Cut back to YK] Not you! [a puff of smoke appears in front of him] Ah, here we go!

What's the puff of smoke for YK?

* weaves Air and blows it away *

Heh heh heh...

Jacculus, can't you think of anything better to do to your hologram of Tony Blair? Perhaps you could conjure up some angry wasps or hornets? Or termites maybe?

Hmmmm...

Computer, remove slow fire.

* slow fire disappears

now, add cheese grater.

* cheese grater appears and removes skin

Computer, add TCP powder.

*TCP powder sprays into cut. Tony Blair screams in agony

Computer, add 50000 ants. Type 3, with the BIG pincers!!

*Appropriate action is taken

Now that's the kind of sound I like to hear. Ahh...

* produces video camera and begins to film *

Can you do something really dramatic? Please?

I'd object to this if it weren't a hologram.

[cut to C-3PO, who says, "Oh! How ghastly!" A Gastly comes and attacks him.]

Shame. There's nothing wrong with a bit of fantasy politician-bashing. I hope.

* produces mallet *

I wonder if this will have any effect...

* bashes jacculus *

* lightsaber spins round and cuts into MaW's abdomen, neatly bringing out his pancreas and sewing him up again with one deft movement.

Computer, add adrenalin to caesium conversion gland in jugular.Also enhance nervous system pain sensitivity and make it super-durable.

* Jumps out from behind something and shouts BOO at Blair, who promptly explodes in a massive caesium - water reaction.

Oh dear.

* wipes Caesium hydroxide from face, wincing as it starts to eat his skin off. Brings out a Heal ter'angreal and uses it to repair the damage, because it's impossible to driectly Heal onesselt using the One Power. Turns to window, which is by now completely submerged by the almost-forgotten rainstorm *

I wonder how the rest of the world is faring? What time is it? Are we the cause of the Noah story or are we emulating it? Sometimes I loose track of what time I'm in. I get thirsty too.

* seizes saidin and opens a gateway to private wine cellar. steps through and comes back with three glasses and a 6L bottle of the best wine in the Universe, Alledari Teriil. Pours. *

Would anybody like a glass? It has a fantastic aroma and it tastes even better. And if you're driving, the good news is that it's only 12% alcohol so you can drink an entire... [calculates] drip! Cool, huh?

* drinks wine *

As a fourteen-year-old American, I can't drink alcoholic beverages.

However, as a Jedi, I know a technique for removing poisons and stuff like that from my blood, and you know that alcohol is a poison that kills As Slowly As It Likes!

Hmmm ... now which background should I draw from?

As a 17-year-old Brit I can drink as much as I like if I'm on private property... but I can't buy it. I'm soon to be 18 though, so that will change everything...

Not that I have cash to waste on booze, of course. I'd much rather spend it on books, Archery or my computer.

What's the underage limit in Britain? This is a British web site, you know ...

You can buy alcohol when you're 18, tobacco when you're 16. Apparently you can drink alcohol when you're 5, but only on private property with permission from an over-18 or something like that. On licensed premises there's some odd rule about being able to drink when you're 16 if it's ordered with food, although I've never tried it out. Personally, I think there's far too much fuss made over alcohol anyway - what's so attractive about getting drunk on stuff which doesn't taste very nice anyway, and then vomiting everywhere? None that I can see. Especially if getting arrested comes into the mix as well. I wouldn't like to try stopping myself spewing when being jolted around in the back of a police van.

There are nicer things to talk about, aren't there?

I think.

A panda walks into a bar and orders a sandwich. The barman gives it a sandwich, which it eats. The panda then takes out a gun and shoots upward, after which it turns to leave. The barman says, "Hey, what was that all about!?" The panda says, "I'm a panda. Look it up." When the barman goes home, he takes out his dictionary and looks up "panda," which says: "Panda: a mammal indigenous to southeast Asia. Eats shoots and leaves."

* Steps through suddenly-appeared door and says "Hi!"

Hi!
Computer,end program.
* Blair fades to a better dimension.

Hey,I've just written the most cool program! Its a CGI script that lets you play Squares over the Internet!! nearly finished...the prototype works!

* Realises what a fool he's sounding and vanishes in a puff of embarrasment. Briefly returns to laugh at YK's joke and take MaW up on the wine offer.

Why didn't he stay? Oh well. I like the joke, YK.

A man walks into a bar.

"Ouch!"

Variations on the same:

"Two blokes walk into a bar. Stupid really, you'da thought the second one would've gone round..."

"Two blondes walk into a bar ... you'd've thought the second one'd've seen it."

"A guy walks into a bar. The other one walks around it."

[And 1021 completely different other ones]

Yes, well, you find one good joke and a million imitations all at once. Some people just can't resist playing.

* produces bow, resplendant with all the new stablisers and sights which he recently purchased (in real life) *

But sometimes playing can be fun.

* channels saidin to make a target by bringing straw in from the nearest straw-filled barn and compacting it with flows of Air. Fiddles with bow and shoots three arrows. *

Could be better...

* retrieves arrows and begins to play... *

Interesting ...

* Rematerialises with head sticking through target.