h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

I like the screaming fireballs jacculus, but I'm not so sure about the heavy rock beat. Still, I can always liven it up a bit on the visual side out there.

* Weaves Earth and Fire to break up the ground outside. Molten lava begins to flow. There are spectacular hissing sounds where the hailstones spontaneously boil upon hitting the lava flows. *

Now I hope Tim doesn't mind us wrecking his lawn...

With your powers, he wouldn't be in a really good position to argue the point.

You have a point there, YK. It's nice to meet someone who recognises my abilities. Anyway, the One Power isn't that dangerous, only when you're using it on people who can't channel it. If, however, you're fighting another Aes Sedai or someone else who can channel, then it becomes interesting...

[Really getting into the thunderstorm now]

* Puts all power into rain-making.

Damnit...not enough water!

* diverts power to bring in extra water from various outlying regions of the Galaxy. Rain increases to wild amounts.

World sea levels rising at 0.2cm/s!!

Computer, end program.

[the scene around them fades to a holodeck grid]

Never mind.

[it abruptly becomes what it was]

* Grins with satisfaction at water lapping at windows.

[YK raises his hands. A look of intense concentration crosses his face. The rain continues to fall, but it ceases to add to the water on the ground.]

* scowls at YK and weaves massive threads of water, cheating a bit by using the aid of the angreal in his pocket. The water level resumes its steady rise *

Trying to save the world? How very noble of you! The Great Lord of the Dark will take you all!

* laughs evilly *

WHAT! [takes out lightsaber, but does not arm it] Are you with Verawn!?

* Takes out own lightsaber,finger poised above button.

The humans have devastated this world. It must be repopulated with mountain goats.

* Increases rain intensity, bringing in water from five major ocean worlds.

Who's Verawn? No, I'm with Shai'tan, the Great Lord of the Dark, also known as Soulblinder, Leafblighter, Sightburner...

And I am Nae'blis, the Great Lord's hand upon Earth. This is why I'm able to channel saidin without going mad, since it is tainted by the Great Lord's touch and he protects his loyal servants.

What he doesn't know is that when I channel a thread of Spirit, Fire and Earth into this ter'angreal [withdraws one from pocket] he'll be sealed away forever and I will become the supreme evil force!

As jacculus knows, I'm really quite a nice guy, so I'll be calling in on the Creator as soon as possible to ask Him around for dinner one night so we can discuss mutual cooperation.

I will of course remove the Taint on saidin as soon as possible.

* holds up ter'angreal and channels... there is a distant impression of a scream of rage *

There! Done! You may now applaud, or throw money.

* weaves a shield of Air in case any high-velocity coins come his way *

And I suggest you weave a shield of Lightning in case Jacculus gets lightsaber-happy, but first a bit of fun.

[cut to eight seconds of striptease and then back]

Right. [uses his lightsaber to bap Jacculus's out of his hand]

* lightsaber tinkles on floor. A frown of concentration crosses jacculus' face as it rises, activates itself, and swings round to face YK.

Friend or foe?

* Channels to make a sword wrought of saidin *

Foe!

* Makes a hefty swing at jacculus's neck, but is beaten to it by a Vampire who doesn't get a chance to bite before Buffy runs up behind him and sticks a stake in his back. He turns to dust and she looks around, brushing the hair out of her eyes. *

Hey Buffy! You're not supposed to be here!

* Makes a gateway to Buffyland and uses a flow of Air to push Buffy through it. It closes after her. *

Right, now we can get back to business!

* Weaves a Fire Shield (the closest thing I can get to Lightning) and leaps in... *

[reading from the book "Dave Barry is NOT Making This Up"] "And I replied 'Wurg,' or words to that effect, because my brain was busy trying to get my heart to start beating again."

* Steps prudently back into the wall and seals self in. Allows lightsaber to get on with work by slicing MaW's foot off.

Sorry, Jacculus, you can't do anything permanent to people unless they let you.

Ah.Shame.
* Creates holographic representation of Tony Blair

Kill!

Don't worry, YK. My foot damage isn't permanent. I'm a very talented Healer.

* Weaves complex patterns of Air, Water, Fire, Earth and Spirit. Foot miraculously reattaches itself. Spots hologram of Tony Blair. *

Die!

* Makes Balefire. A bar of pure white light leaps from his hands and touches Blair, who dissolves into glittering motes of light which quickly vanish. The Balefire continues and slices a bit out of the wall before MaW can stop it. *

Hee hee hee...

Hey,boring!!!

* Recreates hologram of Tony Blair, and also hologram of slow fire. Places them in appropriate relative positions.

Mmm,the screams of pain...