h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Bye Witty!
Thanks for the game!

*setting down tea cup to clap*
Very nice Loony.

Well I must be off as well, I'll see you all!
See you tomarrow!...exciting changes and all!
Bye!
*jingle/jangle*

*comes rolling in, riding high on her little red wagon*


'Evening, all. Any chance of some more lsaac Hayes, Looney?

As the official supplier of New Zealand Cool Blue bottled water to the cafe I am somewhat perturbed by my horoscope, as supplied by Comedy Central, for this week.

GEMINI
Our water has an expiration date on it.
Does bottled water go bad?
Have you ever heard of someone getting ill from old bottled water?
Maybe they have gotten sick from it, but never suspected the water,
blaming the slop they wolfed down instead.
This is not a question the stars can answer. We might be able to see
stomach troubles coming, but the cosmos aren't so specific about from
whence the indigestion.
This week Gemini should be wary of what they eat. Bad clam? Expired water?
Tainted marshmallows in your cereal?
Unfortunately, we know not.

*The piano player moves seamlessly into Isaac Hayes 11 minutes 37 seconds version of "I Stand Accused".*

l suppose this means l can't interest you in the dessert l brought up to the Atelier, either...

l'm sure the boiling process the liquid undergoes while it's being made into tea makes it quite safe enough, Looney...
Wonder what my horrorscope says?
(part one)
Aquarius (Jan 20 - Feb 18):
Here's our advice:
Keep up what you're doing
Your instincts are right on target.
But beware of:
Dogs with dandruff! Ewwwwwwwwwwwww, yucky poo!

(part two)
Capricorn (Dec 22 - Jan 19):
You have taken on responsibility.
Work responsibility and/or relationship responsibility.
We hate to say this, but we gotta.
Right now, Capricorn's of both sexes are currently prone to committing to one person, whole hog, even if the person is a twit wit.
You are very loyal. Very practical. And perhaps not wrong in the long run to be with this person.
Problem is that your friends don't like your snuggle muffin. Which is fine, but you don't seem to know that. Now you do.

*sits back, pauses, as in thought*
l knew l shouldn't have started dating that scabious Golden Retriever.

llEM? Fortune cookie.
*cracks it open*
"Beware of advisors who misuse apostrophe's."
*smiles*

Odra, if you are an Isaac Hayes fan you may be interested in the guide entry I wrote about him this morning. It lives at http://www.h2g2.com/A401482

His -entire house- was covered in bright red shaggy carpet?

Ahh, lsaac Hayes.
l'm living in the wrong decade...

Ahh, the seventies. The bad drugs, the (mostly) terrible music, the atrocious clothes. Ohh, the memories...

Hey, hey. There's a lot to be said about polyesther.
Most of it relates to its high inflammability, of course...

Speaking of which, do you know how to get shaving cream, flour and chocolate syrup out of red polyesther track pants?

No. I do know that lubricating the stain with glycerine, eucalyptus oil, or vaseline then washing or applying a few drops of ammonia and rinsing well are sure-fire ways of getting lipstick off your collar.

Ammonia is also good for getting jam off flared pants.

Well, they are -flared- red polyesther track pants, l suppose...the ammonia wouldn't melt them or anything, would it?
l'm quite attached to them. l won them on a bet -- bet being that l wouldn't actually wear them.

*a newcomer looks in, wipes feet on mat, quietly moves to IIEM*
Er, a tea - I mean, Orange Pekoe? milk, no sugar - thanks
*sits, sips, listens*

Helloa, Kes.

On my trusty wall calender under the heading "Methods of stain removal" is a sub-heading "Bird droppings". This says: Scrape off excess when dry. Biological washing powder. For non-washables, use cloudy ammonia then vinegar solution. This suggests to me that ammonia is pretty good on anything.

The flares I mentioned were faded purple cotton ones.

Hello. I heard the music and thought I'd take a look. So many places round here - I've only tried a few. This looks interesting, and the tea is excellent. What brings you here?

Well, Kes, at the moment, stain removal queries, but you can find anything at all you like here, from the occasional fireworks display to political debate to a rolicking party to a quiet game of chess. Just keep to the path of continuity, and the sky's the limit...

Ook: Ook!
*waves at newcomer*

...even games of scrabble with Genius-level simians.

Ah. You could try a pair of scissors - they remove the stain 100%, but there is a side-effect.
Oh! Hello .. Ook ..
*extends hand, wondering what the right greeting should be*

Ah! Obviously not that, then.
*looks round empty cafe, sees empty tea cup. Walks over to IIEM*
Hello, IIEM, that last cup was jolly nice, but a bit small. Could I have some more tea - a bigger one this time, if it's .. Oooh! Ah!
*inspects 20L cup of tea. Gets the dessert trolley, maneouvers huge cup onto it, and wheels it round to the piano*
I think I'll let that cool for a minute or two ...
*rummages in piano stool*
L and McC, no, Sledge, Bach, Amos, Debussy, no, The Macarena .. definitely not ,, aha! Ravel. Au Tombeau de Couperin ... number four .. delicate music for an empty cafe.
*disengages piano autopilot, sips tea through straw serendipitously discovered on music stand, and plays (quietly)*

But you play splendidly, Kes. Bravo.

Would you care for some Thai food? Potstickers, spring rolls, some curried prawns, a bowl of coconut-lime soup? l'm getting some from the llEM as take-out. l've been instructed to go blow up a few disparate bits of the world.

llEM?
*abovementioned foods appear, in takeaway boxes, ready to go*

l'll be back in later. Hate to leave you, but work calls, and the UK morning rush should be in soon enough, to keep you company. Plenty of intriguing entities to chat with, and of course, coffee and tea. And Ook.
Do drop by anytime! Nice to meet newcomers, especially such virtuosos.

*snags her food and nips out the door, bells jingling in wake*