h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Yum!

I wonder how hard it will be to eat with an 8 foot beard?

My neighbor just came home. Gotta go find out about her husband.

42

Well the beard isn't glued on, is it?

What if it falls off into my ice cream? And what is this beard made of? Is it going to have moths or something flying around in it?

42

It's made of roadkill

You take it off before you eat and use it as a napkin

Eeeeeuuuuuuuuwwwwwwwwww.

I will only wear a beard made from man-made fibers that can go throught he spin cycle. If it doesn't smell like Downey, I'm not wearing it.

42

You don't want to use raccoons as a napkin?

You don't want to use raccoons as a napkin?

I'd like to have a live baby raccoon for a pet. They're so cute. But they make awful napkins.

Nope! Won't do it! I'm on strike until you get me a proper beard.

42

Fine. Ferret hide. You can throw it in the washer, but I don't guarantee it will smell like downy... or be in one piece

You try to afford an 8 foot long beard!

No one but you said it had to be 8 feet long! How many times do I have to tell you that that's just too much beard for a pwetite person such as myself. And it will hide all my tattoos.

Why can't I have a 3 foot beard like all the other bearded ladies? Give me 42 good reasons.

42

Dang beard is falling all over my kepboard causing me to make typos!

42

1- Because I told you to
2- Because it's more interesting
3- No one wants to see your tattoos
4- We have to do something with all this racoon
5- ...and Ferret
6- Because I am a trapeze artist and therefore better than you.
7- I'm paying you
8- I have connections in the post
9- I have connections in the mafia
10- It's something to snack on
11- It makes a good napkin
12- It costs less
13-
14- Nylon beards are fire hazards
15- It's unique
16- It's funny for me to watch you walk around in
17- You won't trip as much. Other beards are slippery. This is like astroturf
18- I'm your UG editor!
19- It will be interesting
20- It looks faker- people won't actually think you've got a beard
21- It's soft against your skin
22- Less likely to give you a rash, though more likely to give you Monkeypox
23- Easier to accesorize with
24- A family of birds can live in it
25- You can write a poem about it
26- You can write a recipe for ferrets
27- Ferret jerkey
28- You can make a fur hat from it
29- It's in style
30- If you lost it, it costs less to replace
31- Less carnies will hit on you
32- It'll be like from a doctor Seuss book!
33- It's silly
34- You can go nude and no one would notice
35- It's not albino ferret.
36- It's sanitized... a bit
37- Ferrets are
38- It will add a flavor to the donuts you sell
39- No such thing as nylon jerkey
40- Because I want you to
41-
42- Because I came up with 42 reasons

I'm doomed! But as long as I can go nude...cuts down on costume costs.

42

Yeah so do you agree to a ferret beard?

Will it keep me warm in the winter? And I thought it was a raccoon beard.

42

No, it's a ferret beard.

And it won't keep you warm

This may be a silly question, but I feel I must ask....are the ferrets dead? And how many did it take to make an 8-foot long beard?

42

Yes, of course! Otherwise the Ferret jerkey would be... well hard to retrieve.

It takes 800 ferrets to make that.

I absolutely will not eat ferret jerky. I'll eat buffalo jerky. I'll eat beef jerky. I'll even eat venison jerky. But under no circimstances will I eat possum jerkey or ferret jerky.

I'm glad it took 800. That's 800 less of the little buggers running around. Please tell me all of them were descented.

42

!! Ferrets are great! I had a ferret. He was a nice lil' guy. Much like a cat

Alright. Then try the 'beef' jerky