h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

*The castle grounds are very strange to see in deed. What looks like a traditional gothic castle is surrounded by a fairly well-kept lawn, complete with hedge maze. However, if a person looks away from the horizon, they will see an aparant "end of the world" now too far from where they stand, because the castle grounds only seem to be as large as CLI's Crater. After that, endless space stretches away, with only distant stars and nebulas visible. It seems that the castle exists on a patch of land capable of soaring through space, courtesy of a massive force field! Light is generated from an unseen source, but the presence of the constantly shining stars above gives a comforting feel of twilight. One might say that the place looked beautiful, if not for the GIANT MUTANT SQUID-LIKE CYBORG STANDING GUARD OVER THE CASTLE'S ENTRANCE!*

*A strange static-like sphere appears. Out of it emerges a second sphere, this one of ball lightning. It hits a lightning rod on the castle, after which a surprised shout of alarm could be heard by anyone with ears like FACE*

*For some strange reason, the static-sphere vanishes for a split second, only to be replaced by a test-pattern sphere. Even stranger is the fact that moles seem to be falling out of it. The squid picks up each mole that falls out, and consumes it. With every mole, the squid grows larger and more dangerous looking*

*Kudos falls roughly onto the ground from the test pattern... which was about 12 feet off the ground. Somehow the portal finally stopped the manic random barrage that his weapons had been busy with, but this doesn't really help the situation much. Groaning and uttering one final curse, Kudos lays on the ground for a moment, his eyes closed, reluctant to look around*

...ohhhhh...this is NOT what I had in mind...

*Kudos falls through the sphere, and lands near the squid. The squid takes one look at Kudos, and darts one of its (roughly) seventy tentacles at him*

Whatever works...

*Kudos opens his eyes as a tentacle lashes around him*

GAH!

*starts beating at the tentacle with a random useless weapon as he is pulled off the ground*

*The Squid glares at Kudos, eyeing him hungrily*

Squid-All who dare enter the realm of Dr. Greklas, Dr. Harvey, The Arithmancer, Dr. Sartasmus, and Greg The Great are either foolish, or in posession of an enormous deathwish. I shall be your wish fulfillment.

*So saying, the squid begins slamming Kudos into the ground repeatedly*

*GL flys out of the test pattern and by shear chance, smashes into the tentacle holding Kudos. GL drops to the ground and looks around, trying to orient himself.*

*The squid dropped Kudos, but darts two tentacles out to retrieve his old prey and gain some that's new*

Squid-Fool! Do you think that we are scared of your methods!

*Irving falls out of the test pattern, and falls directly on top of GL*

*And into the path of the Squid's incoming tentacle*

[Closeup of Yar jumping out of the portal. Then do a cool Matrixy bullet-time rotating around thing, at the end of which the squid thingy is visible.]

[Yar] Whuh-oh.

[He is joined by Bass, Treble, and Mog.]

[Mog] Wowzers!

[Treble] Yip!

[Bass] HOLY

*Tentacles zoom out to capture everyone*

Squid-Ha! My old self was more than powerful enough to destroy you all! But now that I've been feeding off of the energy granting moles, I have more than ten times my previous strength and power!

Yeah, but you don't have a supersuit like mine.

*GL grabs the end of the tentacle holding him between a thumb and forefinger. He effortlessly and smugly unwraps the tentacle from him. Unfortunately, this leaves him unsupported in mid-air. Once he realizes this, he plummets to the ground.*

*Tumbles out of the test pattern in time to hear that the squid has eaten the dozen or so moles that she managed to bat through the vortex. She lands in a very unlady-like position.*

You think eating those moles was a good idea? They were eating poison before you ate them, Mr. Smarty Pants. And I hear they are very gassy, too.

*somersaults out and springs to her feet*

A really big squid!

Just what we need, a gassy squid.


*Sets Kill-O-Zap to "Calamari" and aims at one of the squid's eyeballs*

Don't make shake n' bake you!

*regains his conciousness from being knocked around, and looks at the squid in terror*

What the IS this thing?!?!?

*starts rummaging through his massive weapons stash, tossing out each weapon as he tries it and proves it to be utterly useless. Every single weapon he finds is utterly, completely broken. There is a rather large pile of dead weaponry on the ground now, and just as he feels like giving up, he finds his invisibility amulet...*

[muttering] If only someone would slam into me NOW... maybe I could get away from this thing...

[Mog] Oh no! I'm too cute to die!

[Yar] Bass! Quick! Do that thing where you and Treble do a Fusion Dance and go Super Saiyan!

[Bass] .... Right!

[Treble attempts to escape from the squid's grasp and leap towards Bass. Mog, who is much too small to be effectively held by a tentacle that big (I assum ), slips out the bottom. He fires his bazooka, and an exploding pie is launched towards the tentacle that holds Treble.]

*comes flying through and ricochets off the flailing Kudos, which causes her to roll some distance*

Holy calamari! *sits up, reaches for her nanogun, sets it to BLOWDART and aims for an eye*

ph-ph-h-h-h-h-h-T!

*Falls out of the rift ["whhheeeeeeeeeeeeee"] and sprawls*

Oh, yuk. I hate seafood. Brings me out in a rash.