"If you're a researcher on this book thing and you were on Earth, you must have been gathering material on it."

"Well, I was able to extend the original entry a bit, yes."

"Let me see what it says in this edition, then. I've got to see it."

. . . "What? Harmless! Is that all it's got to say? Harmless! One word! . . . Well, for God's sake I hope you managed to rectify that a bit."

"Oh yes, well I managed to transmit a new entry off to the editor. He had to trim it a bit, but it's still an improvement."

"And what does it say now?" asked Arthur.

"Mostly harmless," admitted Ford with a slightly embarrassed cough.

Douglas Adams, The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy

We know how Ford Prefect felt. All that research for nothing. Don't you hate it when editors (the scoundrels) take out all your best bits?

Worry not: the Edited Guide is here to help. At h2g2.com, we prove that Earth is much more than Mostly Harmless. The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition is an ever-growing compendium of information, snark, and advice on the subjects of Life, the Universe, and Everything. Currently, there are over 11,000 handcrafted Guide Entries. See that Search Box in the upper right-hand corner? The one that says, 'Find h2g2 Entries' in large, friendly letters? Just type in the subject you want to know about, hit 'Go', and in nanoseconds you will be finding out facts you never knew you wanted to know, but now wonder how you lived without.

You will probably also be laughing rather a lot, which is why h2g2ing on trains is not for the pathologically shy. Our editors aren't like Zarniwoop: they always leave in the best bits.

We're not sure what Ford Prefect thinks of our work, but recent excavations under some old sofa cushions in a youth hostel in Kathmandu unearthed a clue in the form of a handwritten list. This list indicates what Ford Prefect liked best about Earth. We've taken the liberty of adding our two cents by linking to the relevant parts of the Edited Guide.

Here, then, is Part I: Life.

Category: Life

1. Time is something humans claim to have too little of. Yet somehow, they find lots of ways to waste it.
2. Humans have been raising offspring for a couple of million years, but they still don't feel they've got it right somehow. Countless hours are spent discussing such topics as weaning and what kinds of nappies to use.
3. Those grey-haired humans you see moving slowly are simply ageing. Their claim to superior knowledge by virtue of experience is often challenged by the younger set, who also sometimes make mock of the ones who cheat by dyeing their hair, wearing wigs, or stooping to a male hair-related dodge known as a combover.
4. In between being babies and old people, most humans don't quite know what to do with themselves (see wasting time). They fret endlessly about whether they're making a good impression on each other, and discuss questions of lift etiquette and such. Apparently, if there isn't a rule for it, they have to make one up.
5. Like most life forms, humans require food to survive. Unusually, Earth's population frequently prefers food with unhealthy levels of salt, fat, and other undesirable elements to more nutritious substances. Junk food seems to be a supernormal stimulus for their palates. It is possible to get them to eat the healthier food, however: just add half a bottle of their favourite sauce to make it taste more like junk food.
6. After old age, humans face the problem of death. Arguing about what does, or doesn't, happen after they've left their current form of existence causes a lot of discussion (once they've solved the etiquette problem and can actually talk to one another). The Life After Death debate just proves that humans spend an enormous amount of time (see 'time') talking about things they couldn't possibly know anything about.
7. Many humans, when asked about their hometown, will insist that its dead boring. However, most of them secretly like it there.
8. On the other hand, there are humans who can't stop talking about where they come from, the wonderful people who come from there, and how superior it is to any other place on the planet. You'd think they lived in the Betelgeuse system. [Go to the Search Box. Type in 'Isle of Wight'. We dare you. Also Canada. Or Pittsburgh.]
9. No matter where they live, most adult humans work for a living unless they are in the government. There are any number of exciting professions for a hitchhiker to take up, from male geisha to acting in a soap opera. (Soap plays a non-singing role in this form of entertainment.)
10. No matter how far away it is, humans want to go there. Usually so that they can write home about it.
11. Earth has many, many wonderful forms of transportation: airplanes, ships, hot air balloons, very fast cars, even invalid tricycles. All of them are superior to railways   – and yet, curiously, trains are what humans get sentimental about. There's something endearing about a fascination with outdated machinery.
12. The emotional life of humans is largely dependent on a small furry biped known as a cat. If humans do not watch at least two videos of cats and their offspring doing something 'cute' in a 24-hour period, they will become depressed and unable to work. For this reason, employers usually turn a blind eye to the large number of cat videos on work computers. Producing quarterly reports in Lolcats is considered over the line, however.
13. Humans obviously have a high tolerance for conflict in their lives. You would think life was strenuous enough on Earth, what with all the wars and crises they manufacture on a constant basis. Even their working lives are often based on competition. You would think, after all that, they would want to go home and relax quietly, perhaps with soft music and meditation. But no: not only are their television programmes filled with violence, but they play 'action' games on their computers, shooting and hacking away at imaginary monsters. No wonder they need cat videos. [Go to the Search Box. Type in 'computer games'. You're sure to find your favourite in a page. . . or two. . . or three.]
14. Humans haven't mastered cybernetics completely. They're still at the 'irritating robovoice' stage. But they're ahead of most of the galaxy already: they've figured out plastic pals may be more trouble than they're worth.

Next time: Earth and the Universe.

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