Just because you're paranoid doesn't mean they're not out to get you.

Issue 6 - 30th July 2001

ParanoiaPost Medical Feature - CUS

Do you feel tired on a regular basis? Are you overweight? Do your hands, arms, legs, torso, head or genitals ache after physical exercise? Are you underweight? Do you have trouble typing? Are you the average weight for your age? You may well be suffering from CUS (Completely Unknown Syndrome). Although scorned by the mainstream medical profession¹, CUS is being recognised by an increasing number of doctors and health professionals as a real and dangerous health issue.

"I found out that I was, like, suffering from CUS about a year ago. I always knew that there was something wrong with me, as I would feel well tired after doing, like, stuff. But it wasn't until S-Cam International - the pill company - sent me an informational leaflet regarding the symptoms and effects of CUS that I realised that CUS was affecting me," said Ms T Elizabeth I, of Altaville, California, USA.

Ms Elizabeth I's story is not unique. She has been suffering from tiredness and sleep on a regular basis most of her life. But thanks to the good nature of S-Cam International and their willingness to spend a large portion of their profit on informational mailing campaigns, she was made aware of the dangers of CUS, and the easy (and low cost) steps she could take to prevent it.

"I know now that I will never be quite like other people," she explains, "but by taking a daily dose of SupaProVitaLife+, I can keep holding on to the gift of life for a considerable time more. My S-Cam International Consultant tells me that without SupaProVitaLife+, my CUS might have degenerated into cancer, heart disease, AIDS or even spontaneous combustion."

'Doctor' T Gumby of Millingdale Alternative Health Alternative Centre, Basingstoke, is outraged that more money isn't available for research into CUS. "I am outraged that more money isn't available for research into CUS," he told us in his phone call from Basingstoke Police Station. He explained that not enough is known about this dangerous condition, and millions of lives a day could be saved by experts such as himself if the NHS funded them. "Not enough is known about this dangerous condition," he said, "and millions of lives a day could be saved by experts such as myself if the NHS funded us. Meanwhile, I recommend that anybody - absolutely anybody - who suspects that they may be suffering from the symptoms of CUS should take
SupaProVitaLife+ on a daily basis."

SupaProVitaLife+ is available from your nearest S-Cam International Consultant Centre² for the reasonable price of £199.99 for a 100ml bottle, which will last you for a fortnight. Double dose recommended for children. Extra doses also recommended for those feeling particularly rich.

Paranoids suspect aliens may not be invading Earth - Sceptics rubbish claims

A group of particularly paranoid Sci-Fi enthusiasts claimed yesterday that aliens are not invading Earth at all. They say that UFO sightings are nothing but the product of overactive imaginations, and crop circles can be dismissed with perfectly rational explanations.

These new astonishing claims have stirred up controversy in Sci-Fi circles. Sceptics scorn the claims, saying that it is obvious to any reasonable authority that UFOs appear regularly and alien sighting reports solely originate from norrmal, unassuming people with no history of mental health at all.

But the conspiracy theorists are adamant that aliens do not, in fact, exist. "It's all a cover up by the government," said TRuST_No_1, a regular at alt.sci.fi.conspiracy.x.files.government.coverup.scifi.gillian.anderson, the leading conspiracy theory authority newsgroup. "They are trying to convince the public that aliens are invading, infiltrating the human gene pool with alien DNA, and so on. They try to pretend that it's not the case but it's true. We've even seen a leaked secret Pentagon film which actually has no aliens in it. I mean, the government really wanted to keep that one covered up but they've failed. The truth is out."

ParanoiaPost declares A Moment Of Sensibleness in rememberance of Douglas Adams

We were all very saddened to hear of the death of Douglas Adams, and would like to remember him by having a brief moment of sensibleness.

There.

Computer viruses now more intelligent than the people who contract them

Santa Clara, California, USA - in a press release this morning, Network Associates, the makers of the popular McAfee antivirus package, announced that they have determined that viruses have finally outsmarted the human mind.

It seems that despite the billions of brain cells residing in an average human's head, a 20-50 kilobyte virus such as SirCam or ILoveYou frequently outwits humans and must therefore be more intelligent.

Computer related IQ tests, requiring the candidates to bypass security systems, hack the system registry, distribute files over a network, and send bulk emails to vast mailing lists, show that common viruses rate almost ten times as highly as receptionists. Consequently, several large Silicon Valley corporations are considering replacing their non-skilled staff with mutations of the ILoveYou virus.

ParanoiaPost Survey

Please mark your reply in the forum below marked 'Survey Replies'.

Are they out to get you?

1. Yes
2. No
3. I can't say, they're probably watching
4. I am one of 'them'

This issue sponsored by:

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Archive

• ParanoiaPost Issue 5 - 2nd May 2001
• ParanoiaPost Issue 4 - 10th December 2000
• ParanoiaPost Issue 3 - 29th November 2000
• ParanoiaPost Issue 2 - 9th November 2000
• ParanoiaPost Issue 1 - 6th November 2000
• Conspiracy Theories
• Pixies, Gnomes and Gremlins