This is a past issue of ParanoiaPost. Read the latest issue here.

Issue 2 - 9th November 2000

New Smileys Are Watching You

Do you get the feeling you're being watched when you're using h2g2? You might well be. Because the new smileys are actually watching you. Examine their eyes... they are looking directly at you. This is no coincidence. They are spying on you... we don't know exactly who for, but it may be a satanic force, or the US government. Or both together.

British Airways Construct World's Biggest Bicycle Lock, For London Eye

Today British Airways announced plans to build the World's biggest bicycle lock, as an added security precaution for the London Eye. Following the daring but failed (or so the media would have us believe) raid on the diamonds in the Millennium Dome, security has been stepped up around all of London's Millennium artifacts.

A BA spokesperson said, 'We are obviously very concerned that somebody might try to steal the London Eye. It is very valuable and could be sold very easily on the black market.

'Therefore we have begun construction on a large bicycle lock. This is based on the fact that the original plans for the London Eye are basically a photocopy of a bicycle wheel. So the most effective security device is logically an equally scaled bicycle D-lock.'

Aliens Are Using h2g2 To Learn About Human Culture And Mannerisms

The problem with online chat sites is that you never really know who you're talking to. They may claim to be a 23 year old female student from Exeter, but how can you really tell? The only way to be certain is to meet them in real life.

h2g2 has this problem, but takes it one step further. New evidence suggests that not all of the researchers on h2g2 are human. As many as half of them are accessing h2g2 from off this planet. The obvious conclusion is that alien life forms are using h2g2 as a non-contact method of communication with human beings, pretending to be human to fool us and to learn about us.

How can you find out whether a particular researcher is an alien or not? It's difficult, they have become very good at mirroring our personalities. But you can tell for sure who is human - if you meet them in real life, for example at an official h2g2 meetup, then they are (probably) not alien. Everybody else may well be, especially if they give some lame excuse as to why they can't come to the meetup, like they live on another continent or something.

h2g2 Aren't Really Recruiting, They're Looking For Clever People For Their 'Experiments'

Have you browsed the latest h2g2 Towers vacancies? Their standards are high, and they're looking for some very clever people to 'work' at h2g2.

ParanoiaPost can reveal, through an informant known as Ray Bawise, that h2g2 have actually accepted several candidates for each position. And those candidates have disappeared in mysterious circumstances on their respective first days at work.

h2g2 are (probably) using advanced technology (of an alien origin) to suck the brains out of the clever jobseekers, to feed to their biomechanical server/god, known as Ripley. This increases the speed and functionality of Ripley. So it's probably quite a good thing.

This may be what happened to Douglas Adams. See the last issue of ParanoiaPost for a theory regarding his elusiveness. It is theorized that he sacrificed himself to bring initial consiousness to Ripley. But Ripley is still hungry and must be fed regularly.

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