ParanoiaPost issue 5
Created | Updated Jan 28, 2002
This is a past issue of ParanoiaPost. Read the latest issue here.
Issue 5 - 2nd May 2001
ParanoiaPost does not directly reflect the opinions of the BBC or h2g2. It is not written by employees of the BBC, or by anyone affiliated in any way to the BBC or any connected business. Everything written here is completely fictitious, does not reflect the life of any real person, nor does it involve anything describing reality in any way. Any offensive material is written purely in jest and is not meant to upset anybody. Political comment is avoided. Racist material is banned completely. Sexism, and referring to the female half of the population as inferior in any way, is also disallowed. Describing any physically challenged individuals as 'disabled' or 'cripples' is equally banned. Pervertism is right out. Especially bestiality. We respect the sexual choice of each individual, and describing gays as anything other than the perfectly normal people that they are, will never happen. Equally, describing foreigners as krauts, frogs, or dumb Americans, is highly frowned upo!
n in the ParanoiaPost. We will never infringe on the personal rights of an individual and point out that, say, Geri Halliwell is a tone deaf, brain dead bimbo. We would never use an offensive manner to describe anyone, especially those f***ing moronic w***ers the American government. Additionally, we respect and admire the BBC, and its friendly and helpful manner in taking over h2g2. Even if it did send the site down for a month and leave it full of holes, lose most of its core users, cause most of the Towers team to end up unemployed, and annoy everyone with completely meaningless moderation. Be assured, ParanoiaPost is on the side of political correctness.
BBC Moderators Are Actually Evil Psychotic Madmen With Strange Perversions - Read All About It Here!
[content removed by moderators]1
Hewlett Packard Research & Development Department Reveal Secrets
The forward thinking and highly innovative technology company HP today revealed one of its greatest Research & Development secrets. It seems that researchers studying the history of innovation and invention have come up with an astounding fact that has been put to good use on the modern day design board of the technology business.
The fact is this: The vast majority of great inventions and ideas were conceptualised either in the bath or on the toilet. Convenience-based research has proven to be by far the most productive method of increasing the regularity of good ideas2.
'It is well known that Archimedes discovered the principals of density and displacement while in the bath,' pointed out a HP Research & Development spokesperson in an informal press release, 'and famously shouted "Eureka!!" and ran out naked into the street, which must have been a little embarrassing, but effective in placing him in the history books. What is less well known is that Einstein conceived his major relativity theories while straining on the toilet, and that Newton was actually having a discreet slash under the famous apple tree.
'History is full of such incidents. We have concluded that this is no coincidence, and have developed similar productive situations for our R&D employees. Our offices have been installed with the latest in bath and toilet technology. Employees are required to spend at least three of their daily working hours in the bath, and two on the toilet. Special waterproof toilet paper has been supplied for the taking of notes.
'This is a relatively new development and we hope to see results flooding in very soon indeed. HP is, as always, at the forefront of innovation and technology.'
BBC To Ban Creative Thinking On h2g2
Building on the success of the Moderation scheme implemented on h2g2, the BBC announced yesterday that a number of new 'potentially offensive' attitudes will be added to the list of banned material.
The Moderation scheme started out by removing all swear words from h2g2, and followed by removing all offensive remarks, such as racism. Then, with the announcement of a General Election in the UK this summer, the BBC decided it was time to remove all political material from the site. Despite the usual old-fashioned viewpoints on Freedom of Speech, h2g2 researchers are now not allowed to even mention the name of a political figure or party. Apparently this is to avoid the BBC appearing politically sided - even though it is clearly stated, repeatedly, that the content provided by researchers does not in any way reflect the views of the BBC (see disclaimer above).
Despite widespread claims that the BBC is going over the top in these matters, and contravening basic human rights3, the BBC is pleased with the results and intends to take matters further.
Number one on the list of new things to ban is sexism. Applying the successful concepts utilised in their political standards to the new standards for avoiding sexism, all references to the sexes will be removed. This will stop the BBC being seen in a sexist light. The words 'he', 'she', 'him' and 'her' will be replaced by 'it'.
Secondly, the same standards will be applied to regional and international differences. Instead of being the old-fashioned 'British', 'American' or 'Burmese' researchers, we are all now 'Permanent Earth Residents'. This is subject to change if intelligent4 alien life is discovered.
Creative thinking will be banned under new guidelines designed to make the Permanent Earth Resident feel at home (/place it feels comfortable). Thinking outside its carefully regulated subjects is potentially rebellious and unpredictable.
Anything else potentially offensive will also be removed. For example, if one Permanent Earth Resident uses the hug smiley to greet another, this will be removed for two reasons: 1) A minority of people find close contact intimidating and we should respect their rights as frigid loners; and 2) if someone greets one Permanent Earth Resident thus, it may be in danger of excluding and offending all the others - they might feel left out. Equality is a major issue and therefore everybody on h2g2 will be treated the same.
Similarly, if a Permanent Earth Resident describes itself as 'happy' or 'content with it's life', a risk is run of offending those who are not so fortunate. Ideally all Permanent Earth Residents should feel the same - nobody should feel any worse, or better, than anyone else, for reasons of fairness.
In time, the BBC intend to remove all quantifying expressions. There is no such thing as happiness, plenty, or fun; such words may exclude or offend certain Permanent Earth Residents.
Offensiveness will soon be a thing of the past. Equality is the future.
This issue sponsored by:
|F||H||on||es||t||Lo||tt||er||y||Co||L||td||It Might Be You!! - But It Almost Certainly Isn't |
Possible Jackpot Of 13 Million Pounds
(For Our CEO's Christmas Bonus)