Pixies, Gnomes and Gremlins

12 Conversations

Here's a short compilation of strange fantastical humanlike creatures that may or may not exist around us now. The evidence suggests that they do; and that they're extremely weird, and possibly deranged.

For similar theories, view Peregrin's Conspiracy Theories page.

Cable Gremlins

These are small green creatures that are never seen. It is something of a paradox that we know that they are small and green when we never see them, but that's life.

Cable Gremlins specialise in tangling up cables and wires into impossible knots, preferably before some major musical event.

By Peregrin

Halluciagenic Pixies

I'm not sure if I've spelt hallucai... haluciag... that word correctly, but never mind. These pixies are the people that you see out of the corner of your eye, but don't quite see properly, and vanish when you look directly at them.

In ancient times this was attributed to magic of some kind, but in modern enlightened times we can prove this phenomenon to be some kind of SEP field1. Pixies are probably some kind of strange alien race that want to monitor us closely, and cause us to keep turning around suspiciously to reassure ourselves that there really isn't somebody watching.

By Peregrin

Garden Gnomes

Garden Gnomes, as we know them, are small, idealised squat humanoid stone statues sitting next to garden ponds fishing. However, we have learnt in many cases (eg. Cricket or Krikket) that traditions and racial memories often have basis in truth. Garden Gnomes are obviously some kind of extinct race of creatures that once inhabited the Earth. We can summarise a few posssibilities about these creatures:

  1. They liked fishing.
  2. They wear stupid hats.
  3. They were very short.
  4. They had red noses.
  5. They were in direct competition with (and maybe driven to extinction by) herons.

By Peregrin

Odd Sock Pixies

This brand of pixies are particularly small and fast. They need to be; their job is to get inside a washing machine drum while it is spinning and steal socks. They are extremely clever, and make sure they only steal individual socks which have an identical partner in the drum with them; this provides maximum annoyance on the part of the sock owner.

We do not know what they do with the socks; but it is probably something involving raw potatoes, and hippopotami.

By Peregrin

Underpants Gnomes

These are a close relative to the Odd Sock Pixies. They sneak into peoples rooms at night and steal underpants from their draws. Instead of being quiet and unobtrusive like most of their relatives, they are rather noisy and sing loudly; they rely on the fact that nobody will believe their victims when they try to tell people.

The gnomes have drawn up a foolproof plan involving these underpants for their own benefit. This is:

  • Step 1: Steal underpants.
  • Step 2:
  • Step 3: Profit.

Suggested by Azermaine; idea and explanation from South Park.

Toilet Roll Gremlins

I won't go into too much detail here, but these gremlins use up entire rolls of toilet tissue every time they go to the toilet. They have to go an inordinate number of times every day, and choose whoever's house is convenient at the time.

By Peregrin

Kitchen Rattling Pixies

A close breed to the Halluciagenic Pixies, the Kitchen Rattling Pixies are nocturnal and live in kitchens. Unlike most pixies, they are rather clumsy. In fact this is inbred; Clumsiness is a much prized trait among their people. In their nightly search for leftover food, they invariably knock over piles of dirty washing, clink bottles, and rustle cutlery, possibly on purpose, to worry the owner of the kitchen who is trying to sleep.

By Peregrin

Lamppost Elves

This is a British phenomenon, I would be interested in any feedback from other cultures regarding similar incidents.

Have you noticed the little oval doorways at the bottom of street lighting lampposts? About a foot and a half high. These are doorways for the common-or-garden Lamppost Elf. They are a shy species, and are very rarely seen. They do not usually cause any problems for anybody, but occasionally they get in a bad mood and start playing pranks. This usually takes on the form of waiting until you are underneath the lamppost at night, then suddenly turning the light off. It is intended to freak you out, but there's never anything to worry about. They are not by any means a bad species; they are very helpful to humans. It is them who turn the lights on in the evening and turn them off again at dawn.

The doors themselves open to tunnels leading underground, which link up with the main sewer systems. Driven from the surface with the overpopulation of humans, the Elves live down there nowadays. It is always appreciated by this kindly and gentle race if you leave a small gift of chocolate or sugar outside the lamppost doors, which makes the rats they eat a whole lot nicer.

The Lamppost Elves also have a inexplicable fondness for chicken vindaloo.

By Peregrin

Borrowing Bogles

Many houses have a plague of Bogles. These are irritating spirits which lurk just past the borders of visibility, and take delight in hiding things that split second before you want them. Signs of Bogle infestation can be distinguished from normal losing by the following signs. If you lose something to a Bogle, you are most likely to find it while looking for the next thing you've lost, some time later. By this time the bogle has a new toy and is bored with the original lost item, which you almost certainly don't need anymore. Also ... if you spend ages looking for something, sit down in frustration for a cup of tea, and the item will often be found somewhere in full view nearby.

Bogles are michevious but not wicked, if they sense you are worn out and upset they usually give things back. For this reason it is possible to get things back by asking for them in a firm tone of voice ... making it clear that you know what's going on and are not impressed. Bogles nowadays think humans are far too closeminded to address them directly, although be careful if there are people who don't know you well about.

By Skulker

Paperclip Kelpie

The paperclip kelpie is a perplexing little creature that uses up all the paperclips just before you want one, leaving them in the bottom of the drawer ready for when you want anything other than a paperclip.

By AEndr, The Mad Hatter

Pencil Kobolds

Have you come across that curious creature who blunts the end of pencils so that they are never sharp when you want one, even if you sharpened them all the day before? They are pencil kobolds - they can also shrink themselves really small and get between the lead and the wood in order to break the lead at just the right distance for you to just think you've got it sharpened again when it snaps mid-word.

By Gargoyle and AEndr, The Mad Hatter

Car Seat Gnomes

Car Seat Gnomes live under the car seat. Hence the mess under there. Their diet is exclusively leftover motorway service snacks.

Their trick is to hook handbag straps around the gear stick or car seat adjuster. Usually when you are in a hurry to get out. They also steal and sell anything that drops under the seat.

These creatures are closely related to Kitchen Sink Gnomes.

By mariegriffiths

Toe Nail Clipping Nixies

The toe nail clipping nixie is a particularly odious little creature, but fascinating none-the-less. They live in bathrooms and pinch the toe nail clippings from the bin in order to strew them around the carpet so you get horrible sharp slivers in your feet when you next walk in.

The reason they are so fascinating is that they demonstrate the evolutionary process on a very rapid scale. Back in Victorian times these nixies were all white, not like a person is white, but pure white with an interesting enamel finish, in order to be properly camouflaged in the bathrooms. Of course in modern times bathrooms come in all sorts of colours, and so the nixie has been forced to evolve. There are now whole tribes of peach nixies, blue nixies and green nixies as well as the more old fashioned white variety. But the rarest nixie is the 'travelling chameleon nixie'. Unlike his more staid fellows, who are happy to spend their entire lives in one bathroom, this tribe is nomadic in nature, and so has developed the ability to change colour, in order that it may visit all the bathrooms in the neighbourhood.

They also take the lid off the toothpaste and jump up and down in the middle of the tube in order to cause arguments and break up marriages.

By Gargoyle

Kitchen Sink Gnomes

You have all done this.

You finish washing up and know that the bowl is empty. So you tip the bowl up and low and behold there is a spoon there, which clatters into the basin. This is the work of Kitchen Sink Gnomes who add that extra spoon when you are not looking.

Kitchen Sink Gnomes live in the U Bend of your sink. This is why it is always so mucky when you need to mess with it. They attempt to resist any disruption to their house by spraying you with water.
The spoons are aquired from office kitchens, which is why there is never a spoon for stirring your morning coffee.

Kitchen Sink Gnomes find this joke hysterical and never tire of doing it.

They also put very sharp knives in the sink to cut you with, even though you know that you haven't used any or put them in the sink.

By mariegriffiths and Bluebottle

Teatowel Gremlins

Our house seems to have some new occupants: Teatowel Gremlins. These canny creatures steal the teatowels from their rightful home, a rack near the kitchen sink, and distribute them around the house in various odd places. Teatowels have recently turned up on the phone, in the microwave, in the conservatory, in the oven...

By Peregrin

Brain Gnomes

Brain Gnomes begin their lives off like normal gnomes, in mountainous regions, building not-so-useful machines, but they crave something more.

Using a shrinking machine, they shrink down an almost infinitive amount of times; and using teleporters, teleport to all the bedrooms of the world, and enter the ear-canal and live in the brain. They can only do this at night for fear of people finding out and wearing earmuffs to bed.

This explains the moods you sometimes get and can't explain. For example, if you wake up and want to beat the living hell out of someone or thing, the generation of gnomes inside your head is a angry bunch. Once the gnomes have shrunk, they are in an excited state, moving extremely fast, only having roughly 24 hours until their ultimate demise.

The next shift of gnomes come in and clean up their now dead friends, and since there is a finite amount of space, they excrete them out of the scalp in bags sewn together to create what we know as hair. Hair on other parts of the body are gnomes that have been banished from the main group, and are taking out of the excited state, allowing them to create other colonies in the body.

This explains two things. When we reach puberty we begin to grow hair in different places; and rebellious tendencies begin to appear. These are connected with the brain gnomes. If you stay up all hours of the night, and feel a drained feeling the day after, this can be explained by the gnomes being scared of being discovered and not entering the brain. This causes the host to feel drained because the gnomes fuel them the mental energy used for thinking and motor skills.

By stubs20

1For the uneducated, a Someone Else's Problem field is a field generated by the user which causes the mind to ignore it/him/her and generally think it's 'someone else's problem. See The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy for more information.

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