h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

*A telephone company truck rolls up to the building. A tall man in overalls jumps out and walks to the back of the van. He opens the doors and takes out a tool belt and a phone-sized cardboard box. He closes the van doors and walks to the building entrance. He looks down at his clipboard and up at the building number. He nods to himself and walks into the building, completely oblivious to the smoke, swat teams, crater and uzi-toting villians.*

[sea] former chippendale?

*sea sees the bag lady hold up her bag. she shrugs, but decides to keep an eye on her anyway. sea grabs some red jellybeans out of her pocket and eats them*

[sea] yum, cinnamon...

[thinking] No matter how many times they incapacitate the SWAT van, the SWAT troops don't get hurt. Man, am I ever glad I became a super-villian. At least WE have some common sense...

...Just what is that telephone company guy doing in the STUMPED construction site? We haven't even finished it yet! In fact, it's hardly anything but a mesh of steel girders...[/thinking]

[NYC] *to the phone guy* Just what do you think you're doing? Do you have a permit?

*The phone guy produces one, grinning to himself. NYC rips it up*

[NYC] I don't remember calling you...

*Affy, after getting rid of the crocogators and a few more ROUS's that decided to try their luck, has entered the basement of a building. He locates the "Emergency Invasion Lever", and pulls it. A strange slime is released from several unusual looking nozzles atop the Statue of Liberty, and, when Affy gets to the top floor (where he hooks up the control pad for a video game system), he feels the Statue's feet once again rise from the island*

Ah, I love giant robots like these. This isn't even breaking continuity! It's like that grudge match site that Zeb pointed out: useless knowledge breeds champions. Now, just one more slight modification...

*Affy pushes a few buttons on his watch, and the Mini-UFO zips from the sky, hovers above the statue for a moment, and places a shield generator on the tip top of the statue's crown, thus creating a barrier from any pesky military/police/STUMPED related weaponry*

Now, where to first? NYC or the Mayor's office? Oh, well. They're both pretty far from here. Ampton, cloak and await my signal for plan Alpha. I'm going to need some assistance soon.

*The Mini-UFO cloaks and zips into a cloud bank*

*slice. dice. slash. bash*

*UH, on an indiscriminate rampage, will soon realize that making 8,000,000 enemies is not the way to go. He chances upon a roving gang of teenagers. They each pull out switchblades and box-cutters. Further violence occurs. Cut to Battery Park:*

[business man 1] Hey, is the Statue of Liberty moving?

[business man 2] Eh, It's been done. You ever see Ghostbusters 2?

[business man 1] I've seen better.

*The business men continue their business; Cut to Elmhurst. NYC puts new batteries in his cell phone and calls to start negotiating with the local Mafia*

The elegant (bag(?)) lady sticks her head out of the statue. (THAT's what she was doing in those postings where she was absent)

"The tour brochures never mentioned THIS"

She nonchalantly leans down to see what's making it move.

*NYC, on the phone with the mafia*

"yes...

...yes yes yes, 25% of our earnings for all of their heads on a silver platter...

...yes...

...no no; a SILVER platter...

...yes...

...yes...

...fine, fine. 30%...

...fine, alright..."

*NYC puts away his phone*

sea, good news. *grin*

A Japanese tourist turns the corner and starts taking pictures. He is carrying a long, pole-like package and something that resembles a gigantic rucksack on his back. And a big mask. Mysterious.

*Affy, meanwhile, is having the Statue of Liberty hold the Mayor a great distance from the ground. Upside down*

Now, Mayor, just make the call. I won't drop you, I won't freeze you, and I won't otherwise harm you. Besides, how many extra votes will it really win if you let STUMPED come in, eh? Besides, if I know KL, he'll dissolve all elected positions, and you'll just be a footnote in history as a stooge for the forces of evil. Now, just make the phone call while I monitor it.

*Affy hands a cell phone to the Mayor (well, tosses it actually), who nervously thinks for a few moments. It turns out that he values his life with the prospect of more votes than his probable death without any votes. He makes the call, and orders any remaining free government operated armed forces (NYPD, SWAT teams, the crocogators, etc.) to attack STUMPED. Affy takes back the phone before the Mayor can retract the order, and he grins*

Now, I've got a favor with a few buddies in the Mafia, so...

*Affy gets a continuity note about a phone call that NYC made*

Oh, so looks like my old favor would just get in the way with his buisiness deals. Let's see, I'll get a few other friends.

*Starts taking pictures from the Statue of Liberty*

They drift downwards, emblazoned with "STUMPED are LOSERS"

[The Pokémon start actually fighting the SWAT teamsters, knocking them out six by six]

*1: the mayor can't get re-elected anyway, and 2: the police force hates him (they protested low wages last week). 3: nobody controls the gators, it's just not safe to go into the sewers, and 4: the police wasn't working for me anyway, (STUMPED didn't do anything wrong in the police's presence, except for the coast guard and Yo) and I'll just pay them off... *

*the swat teams repeatedly get knocked out, and the NYPD is suspiciously nowhere to be seen*

hmm...

*NYC notices an 8 foot tall japanese tourist walking about*

something is amiss...

...sea, what say you?



...sea?


*NYC pulls out an MP5 serruptitiously swiped from one of the SWAT troops (probably a cause for their loss in the battle with the pokemon), and approaches the tourist*

Hey, I didn't say alligator. I said crocogator. As everyone knows, it's something entirely different. And besides, just because everyone else in the world knows that he couldn't get re-elected anyway, that doesn't mean he knew that while his life was being threatened from several stories about the ground. People don't tend to think clearly under those situations, now do they?


*Affy has marched the Statue of Liberty to the center of NYC's power, and sees NYC and Sea. He also sees the flag that NYC planted. He reaches down, and yanks the flag out of the ground*

*in between the carnage, UH takes the time to think out loud*
Hmm? How ami attacking these gang members. I was sure I attacked only the police. oh well.

the flag, being a proper STUMPED flag wiggles it's way out of the grasps it's in smacks Affy a couple times for moving it out of it's proper and returns to it's proper place, feeling prowd to have twarted the forces of Good and Just and Right...

got to love those living flags, they just HAVE to stay where you put them...

*sea, who has been on a small quest to find some more C4, has found something better. she walks up to NYC and shows him. NYC grins. affy notices this (from his perch atop the statue- he can't tell what the villains are up to). sea slowly walks toward the robot statue*

[Suri-Gara] *enraged* SOOO...you wann pray wuff, huh?

The tourist throws himself at NYC and latches himself onto his ankle, with his teeth. A bitter struggle ensues.