h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

*NYC finds himself in NYC of all places, and immediately makes a bee-line for Elmhurst, Queens (frankly, because no other place matters). He finds the busiest intersection, and stakes a flag into the ground.*

*ahem* I claim this city in the name of STUMPED!

*NYC ponders this last statement for a second*

scratch that, I claim this city in the name of ME!

*The Draco appears in the air overhead. It releases several smaller ships, out of which come robots who immediately begin setting up a base of operations for any STUMPED related activites in New York City. A hologram of The Krylma Leader appears*

Good work, NYC! You can claim it for yourself, I guess. You work for me, so I won't complain. Now, set up some kind of official ruling headquarters, and we'll be in buisiness!

*The hologram dissapears, and the Draco dissapears into the sky*

*NYC calls out to the sky*

hey! these robots aren't unionized! what, are you trying to get me KILLED?!

*NYC immediately fires all the robots, and hires the locals. he immediately writes down in his notepad:*

"potential enemies:

1. Mafia (based in Brooklyn): fighting to extort the same people as us.
2. Mayor's Office (based in Manhattan): ditto."

*The robots all fly back tothe Draco*

*Suddenly, The Korfozzle flies by overhead, and shots several of the workers with snowzars. Affy jumps out, leaving Ampton to continue flying over the city and doing whatever he can, while Affy lands, and fires a blast from his polka gun at NYC*

*The shot just barely misses NYC, and hits some poor innocent passerby. Just as the remaining workers are ready to scatter like cockaroaches under a bright light, loud sirens are heard from almost every direction. Several squad cars marked 'NYPD' come screaming from the woodworks, and one menacing looking Abrams tank slowly advances up the avenue. Out pops an officer from the tank:*

[officer] FREEZE! PUT YOUR HANDS UP!

*NYC grins*

[cop 1] freeze, dammit! FREEZE! One move and I'll shoot you!

*affy flinches*

[cop 2] did he move?

[cop 1] I'm not sure. he might have...

[cop 2] I say shoot him.

[cop 1] sounds good to me.

*the entire street is lit up in a hail of gunfire for a couple of minutes, then tapers off*

[cop 1] NOW are you willing to cooperate?!

[cop 2] he doesn't look to be moving much.

[cop 1] much better.

*Affy grins as the tattered dummy manages to remain still enough to make them think the bullets convinced him. He looks at a scroll, and grins*

I just *love* the Girgol spell!

*Affy looks around the sewer, pondering. Coming up with a semi-descent plan, Affy uses his Zorkish navigational skills to weave a path through the underground tunnels in the direction he needs to go*

*the cops, knowing that affy made a fatal error, pull out of the area. A worker comes up to NYC*

[worker] 'ey boss?

[NYC] what?

[worker] ya think I should tell that affy charactah about dem giant sewer rats?

[NYC] nahhh...

[worker] well den 'ow about tha crocodiles? *NYC shakes his head* tha heroin addicts?

[NYC] I think he'll find out about all of those soon enough... *evil grin*

*a small high-pitched yelp is heard from the sewers below, followed with hurried steps*

[NYC] hey guys! seal that manhole up!

*Itinerant curry vendor and international playboy Mr Goriff appears, walking nonchalently down the street.*

*apparently innocent window cleaner approaches from the other end of the street*

Oh, the humanity!

*A very large dog ... no, wait ... a wolf (!) trots up and lifts its leg on the flag. As it disappears down a side street, it appears to be grinning.*

*NYC begins to get a bit suspicious. he switches the safeties off his uzis. He also hails down a livery (which is technically illegal, but...), slips a $50 and a small package to the driver, and orders him to circle the block*

[A young Pokémon trainer wanders in; he has five Poké Balls at his belt]

*As the pokemon trainer crosses the street towards NYC, he is run down by the circling livery. The driver hops out his cab*

[driver] you alright? Watch where ya going next time!

*The pokemon trainer appears not to be moving much. The cabbie drags him to the far end of the street, hops back in his cab, and starts circling again. NYC grins*

*sea walks out of a nearby Broadway theatre and stops short*

[sea] i smell something. something.... heroic. NYC, do you smell that?

*a broadway theatre? that must be one LONG walk...*

[NYC] yeah, I smell it too... but don't worry, I've got a few tricks up my sleeve...

*NYC flips out a cell phone and calls the police*

[NYC] hello, police? I'd like to report a robbery...

*no response*

[NYC] ...by a bla-

*Three vans filled with swat teams come to a screeching halt in the intersection*

[swat team] did you say black man?

[NYC] *to sea* they're so predictable.

A very elegant lady sits feeding the birds on the sidewalk.

Poetry Woman

*Mr Goriff, one-time Mr Atlas and fifth member of the Beatles, begins to whistle, tunelessly. He sees the pokemon trainer being run down and tuts to himself. He follows the cab.*