h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

[Mewtwo and the other Pokémon, for lack of anything better to do, join Affy in the statue]

boys and their cars... lol!

*evillene looks down and sees gigus following her. she stops a moment to think, then draws the .380 she stole from sea a few hours ago and starts firing at gigus. she makes sure to move around a lot between shots so that affy STILL can't get her with the snowzar*

*having been 6 hours since she was frozen, sea has been thawed for four hours now- but her mind only started working again just now. she makes a rather rude gesture at affy, then runs into STUMPED HQ (waving at the startled guards) to plot her revenge*

*special edition newspapers are published around the world. their headline reads:

CHOPPERS on STUMPED payroll! truth comes out in LA!

*public opinion of CHOPPERS drops to an all-time low*

Death Avocado pulls out the Vegetable Launcher and *clok*'s a Laser-guided, nuclear rocket-grape into the hopper. He flips up a little reticle, and activates the laser, training it on Yo's speeding car.

*PCHEOW!*

The grape speeds towards the red dot at high speed, gliding under it's own momentum at the last moment to fall into the passenger seat. A small red light inside it turns on, flashes, flashes much faster...and:

meanwhile, Giguschild continues rapidly towards evillene, dodging and weaving from side to side to avoid the shots.

[GS] *To CHOPPERS* Can't someone please fire at the muzzle flash?

*UH , seeing PW in good hands, starts tracking the limosine, as it passes him, he leaps into the air, and lands on the roof*

[OOC] who's got a limo?


*closes the sunroof*

[Yo]-Blast, all these pathetic veggies flying round *goes to pick up the grape*

[Grape]- Hey I'm a fruit you big God forsaken pe......

*you see the car come screaching to a halt, (and if UH is on top he goes flying)*

[Yo] Wait a minute, this is H2G2.....

*the car starts moving again*

*Yo and the grape have a lovely conversation on what grapes do with their lives, if it's an honor to be put into wine, and what grapes think of thier fellow fruits...*

[Yo]- Well, it's been great talking to you but I'm afraid you're gonna have to leave

[Grape]- I'm afraid thats not possible Dave.

[Yo]- ohh no you don't

*opens the sun roof throws the grape out, as he throws it out the grape begins to expand barely fitting out the sunroof as it passes out of the car... *

*.. and lands in the road still expanding*

*NYC thaws and his brain starts functioning again (well, at least to the level it was before...), and immediately swings out his shoulder-mounted howitzer. Several innocent passers-by gasp in terror, which only enhance the effect. NYC starts firing at Giguschild, and Giguschild notices quite large chunks of statue exploding around him. Pretty soon, one lucky shot will...*

*In the meantime, three members of the STUMPED HQ security force (donned in black attire with black berets and kevlar, very fitting for a super-villian organization), each with an MP5, join NYC in case UH decides to do something fishy. Luckily, unlike some comic books and movies, these security fellas have been to a couple training programs (especially firing ranges) before being hired by STUMPED*

*An ice-cream truck drives slowly up the street with its bell ringing. Several children run out from neighbouring houses, expertly dodging the cross-fire. They buy their ice creams and return home.

The truck continues on and stops outside STUMPED HQ. The front door guards run out and are served ice cream by the tall somewhat-familiar-looking ice cream salesman. They return to the lobby to eat the ice cream. A few minutes later, they are fast asleep.

The ice cream man takes what appears to be a carton of ice cream from the back of the truck and goes inside. A short time later he re-emerges from the building, without the carton, and drives off.*

[Giguschild] Help! Help! Ak! Ak! Help! Ak! Uncle Heavy...soemone...DO SOMETHING!

At that moment, a shell explodes just under the ledge Giguschild is balancing on, which throws him up into the air while not significantly damaging him. In fact, he goes high enough to grab onto Evillene's shoe, lumbering her with 200 pounds of extra weight. He jiggles around a bit, causing her to slip a little...and:

Meanwhile, the grape continues expanding, until it is the size of The Belly in the Reebok advert (or whichever brand it was). It starts to bounce, at amazingly high speed, after Yo's corvette (not a limo, you fool UH) The small red light in the middle still flashes, like an incredibly miffed eye.

[Grape] NOW I SHALL CR-R-R-RUSHH YOU!!

*evillene, controlled by a rock climbing afficionado IRL, grips a crack in the statue with her fingertips and takes her weight off her feet. she kicks gigus in the head repeatedly with her free foot, then finds her foothold again and points her gun at him*

last time i checked, there wasn't much of a muzzle flash on a .380...

*sea exits STUMPED HQ and sees the sleeping guards. she kicks each of them viciously, then stomps around looking for the culprit*

*NYC returns to the HQ, and faces the dazed-looking guards*

[NYC] Did I NOT say you should SHOOT them! ALL of them! EVERY LAST ONE OF THEM! ESPECIALLY people who look suspiciously like THIS GUY! *shows picture of GL* You stupid cretins, I oughta fire you.

[security] we're sorry sir, but he was just an ice cream vendor...

[NYC] I KNOW THAT! Shoot ice cream vendors! Shoot hot dog vendors! Shoot telephone, electrical, plumbing and construction workers! What part of SHOOT ALL OF THEM did you not understand?!

*the security guard cringes under NYC's rage*

[NYC] Now, go find that ice cream carton and whatever you do, DON'T OPEN IT! Take it out of the building and go blow it up, whatever it is. I don't want to lose this match because you dolts don't quite know how to stop a hero using the SAME TACTIC OVER and OVER!

*NYC fumes off down the street, the guards sigh in relief of his absence, and start their search of the carton*

Poetry Woman grins at Haiku Girl

"Thanks, Haiku Girl, you're always there when I need you."

She hands HG a small, black, box.

"I hooked this up to the statue."

She presses a button, and the Statue of Liberty appears to talk.

"People of New York, STUMPED is attempting to deceive you! They think you're stupid enough to swallow their lies. CHOPPERS will save you. Turn against the vile villains who would snatch from you your peace, your happiness, and your LIBERTY!!! Is THIS why we fought the civil war? To be the domain of the oppressors?"

-- the crowd gathers 'round and yells "NO!" --

"To have a foreign power dictate our policy?"

[crowd] No!

"Will we allow them to overturn our constitution, reinstate martial law, and deprive us of our rights?"

[crowd]NO! NEVER!!!!

Lady Liberty seems to be holding the crowd's support, which is swinging back to CHOPPERS favour.

[continuity]
1. STUMPED didn't even try to win people's support in this city. We simply built a HQ in Elmhurst. It's YOU who made lady liberty trudge all the way to Queens, crushing who knows how many cars and buildings...
2. Dubya is doing that all already. And New Yorkers are far too jaded to be so easily swayed. Campaigning has the opposite effect in such major cities...
3. Most New Yorkers immigrated well after the Civil War, and had to deal with much racism and nativism. If you want to try that tactic, go to the Upper East Side...
4. Let's please not try to drum up popular support from the masses, it's pointless and leads to one-post solutions. Take the fight in LA for example...
[/continuity]

*all four of the supporters in the crowd, after the speech, walk off returning to their businesses and homes. PW just made herself a larger target for STUMPED operatives, now firing at her from the roof of the STUMPED HQ*

*the vette is seen taking a turn at nearly 107mph onto wall street (amazingly there is no traffic), it accelorates past 147 and covers half the distance as suddenly the Grape of Death slams through a building on the right and ricosheyes off that building with the columns and many stairs on the left before bearing down on the vette(now going about 180), the suspence builds as it gets closer and closer.......*



*you see our intrepid villan's car pull away from the Grape, the black vette is going over 190 by the time it passes between the legs of our fair lady..................*

*...now that Yo is very, VERY far away from STUMPED HQ, he can safely slam into a parked yellow cab*

*SLAM*

After a couple of very small seconds, the sreaming grape lands on the car with a satisfying

*SQU-CRUNCH!*

it continues to sit there, tiny red eye glowing.

It laughs with a very deep voice. One-chord thrash metal plays in the background with occasional screaming interjections of "Grapey's gonna geeett youuuu" and "Huhuhuhuh!" Slowly, the car begins to crush, as the grape seems to be getting rapidly more dense. Before even a few seconds are gone, it already weighs two tons.

[/one of the slightly more psychadelic h2g2 situations...]

*evillene starts firing off rounds at the xenomorph- at close range, to boot*

---MEANWHILE---

*sea gives up on trying to find GL- she doesn't need to be fist fighting in ALL the forums- and heads back outside. she sees one of the guards sniffing the ice cream container. she smacks him upside the head, then stops suddenly as she sees what is happening between evillene and gigus. sea grins and runs for the statue*

*The guards take the ice cream container out into the street and detonate it. The street is suddenly awash with chocolate ice cream for about four seconds before it all turns to a disgusting mush*

[NYC] Hmm... I guess it WAS ice cream after all.

[guard] Does this mean we don't have to shoot ice cream vendors?

[NYC] Of course not! Don't even stop to question them, just shoot!

[Mewtwo] }So, Affy, what's up?{