h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

*Deth has a assembled a small Fist of skeletal soldiers and is debating who to send them at.*

[Deth] UH! how dare you give the forces of evil a bad name! only we are allowed to do that!! *The soldiers surge towards UH, guns blazing...*

UH: If its not one thing, its another

Haiku Girl comes out of her deep meditation, fully recharged and ready for battle.

"Lemme at 'em, Unc!
I'll zap 'em with my lasers
CHOPPERS save the day!"

Wahoo! ahem.

HG looks all innocent, in her little swooshy skirt and her fabby swirly red cape.


STUMPED won't stand a chance...

you all seem to forget that this is MY HOME TURF! in any case...

*ratatatatblamblamblamblamkapowzingBOOM*

*NYC heads into the fray with guns ablazing, the plans with the mafia are going according to... plan. a grey van pulls up to UH, four men drug and club him, throw him into the van, and drive off*

*The van gets about 5 meteres down the road, where it stops. It rocks violently for about half a minute. UH gets out, grabs NYC, takes a corkscrew to his head and writes a rude message on the nearest wall in the late student's brain matter. UH then lifts his arms and roars*

Giguschild saunters absentmindedly towards the van and gets in. The doors close. There are some muffled, but unpleasant sounding sounds for a while. The door opens. Giguschild steps out.

[Giguschild] Hi! I'm back. Now...where were we...

*NYC's cell phone rings. UH pries it from its holster in NYC's coat*

[phone] 'ey, what's goin' ON over there? my guys just got the stuffing beat outta them by a fat man with claws, and are no cacooned insida their own van! what's happenin'?!

[UH] just who is this?

[phone] what? is this some sorta joke?! you, sir, had BETTER get a good explanation for this by the time my men find you...

*UH becomes disinterested and tosses the phone aside. Sea and evillene, who despite being in the statue and transported back to its original location, have braved the subways and busses back to STUMPED headquarters. Sea notices NYC in his... erm... predicament, and if she has any feelings for NYC's well-being should either be trying to revive him or flying into an extremely violent rage at UH*

*repicks up the phone*
you know, whoever you are, its nothing to do with me. im thin, i think you meant the van two blocks down from me

*breaks phone*
You know, if i were her, i wouldnt do a thing.

*a blue late 80's model Chevy Caprice cruises down the street and stops half a block from UH. two men with shades and grey suits step ouy. in one smooth move, one of them pulls out what looks like a Desert Eagle .50 and caps UH in the back of the head. UH slumps forward*

[man 1] ya think that was the fat man?

[man 2] you see any other fat man?

[man 1] that wasn't so hard. stupid wannabe van drivers can't handle nothin'.

[man 2] ya think we should try and get 'em outta the van?

[man 1] nah, let 'em sweat a little.

Just wanna point out the Continuity Infringements coming from both sides. But since no one minds, apparently, or minds Minos' orders to temporarily evacuate the invasion plans, I'll let it rest.


*Affy, meanwhile, has built up a giant supply of fighter robots (made entirely from junk found in the sewer), and is debating where to send them*

I would just like to point out that yes, we do enjoy breaking continuity


*without warning, the sky goes black. a single flash of lightning lights the sky. duh. ominous clouds move at great speed in no particular order. everything is shadowed. suddenly, the corpses of UH and NYC climb slowly to their feet, roaring incoherently. UH's corpse shambles towards the other, and proceeds to rip NYC into little shreds, devouring choice sections and casting the bad (ie almost all of the) bits away. The sky clears, and UH falls back to the ground as if nothing had happened*

*the two hitmen rub their eyes*

[man 1] did that just happen?

[man 2] I dunno, but I still see two dead guys over there.

[man 1] then what did we just see?

[man 2] I don't know, and I don't wanna know... what I DO know is I'm gonna get nightmares just thinkin' about it...

[man 1] let's get outta here...

*the two hitmen pile back in their car and speed off*

*sea watches all of the above with great interest. then she wonders how she's supposed to revive scattered bits of a person. she hunts around and finds all the human remains she can get and puts them in a big pile. then she proceeds to revive NYC*

*sadly, due to the fact that there were UH bits in the pile as well, UH is inadvertently revived*

[sea] oh well... close enough.

*looks at NYC*
I wish *wish* she hadnt done that. you were in a right old pickle, and i wanted to see how you'd get out of it.
*turns away, and NYC is squished by a big lump of metal which informs readers that it weighs ten tons, in big white letters. turns back. shrugs*

*Affy looks at the version 1.0 fighter droids and the other assembly droids in the sewers. As the assembly droids continue building newer versions of the fighter droids, Affy gives his orders to the robots (all of which look like colorless versions of the TMNT foot soldiers, sans the foot imprints on their foreheads), who proceed to surge through the sewers in the direction of Affy's specified targets. Affy, convinced that this will begin well, turns to the assembly droids, who have just finished several dozen version 1.4 fighter droids (these have minor force fields, built in lazers, and flight capabilities)*

*sea sighs*

[sea] well, if we're all going to throw continuity out the window...

*NYC stands up, lifting the weight with one hand, and tosses it back to UH*

*who, quite literally, uses his head. he headbutts the thing at sea*

dang. i knew i should have paid for something not made out of polysyrene

*NYC, a bit dazed, watches UH and sea bop around a giant grey balloon with "10 tons" in big white letters on the side*

[NYC] ugh, my mind feels so scrambled. I feel like I've been torn apart and put back together again...

[sea] that's because you have. *bop*

*NYC looks around, and sees a rather rude message written on the wall in dried blood. He notices that a small sum of confetti that used to be his coat is just now fluttering to the ground*

[NYC] d**m.

*a lackey from the HQ comes up to NYC with a fresh coat, strife with all the weapons in the right holsters. NYC takes out a beretta and blasts the giant grey balloon into smithereens*

[NYC] now then, can we get back to business? without the one-post life-ending blows?