h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Paul, you must be pulling her leg!

Well, she always did want to be at least a *little* taller.

King Ozymandias of Assyria was running low on cash after years of war with the Hittites. His last great possession was the Star of the Euphrates, the most valuable diamond in the ancient world.

Desperate, he went to Crosus, the pawnbroker, to ask for a loan. Crosus said, "I'll give you 100,000 dinars for it."

"But I paid a million dinars for it," the King protested. "And, besides, don't you know who I am? I am your King!"






Crosus replied, "When you wish to pawn a Star... it makes no difference who you are!"

That one was out of this world!

yup, an exorbitant

That was a real gem.

did you ever see this:

http://www.bbc.co.uk/dna/h2g2/alabaster/A592643

I think I saw it when I looked at the backlog.

Cleaning out the aviary at a run-down zoo, the keeper finds two
finches have dropped dead from old age...

In the monkey cage he discovers two of the oldest chimps have also
kicked the bucket...

Waste not want not, so he puts them in a sack with the finches and
later tosses them in the lion's cage at feeding time.

"Oh No!," roars the lion, "not finch and chimps again."

arrrrrghhhh

( good one, actually )

That one was a real hot potato.
It's going to give me a haddock
And I'm not lion when I say that.

Good one, Stagehand and Paul!

I put it out there just for the halibut.

I'm sure that lion gets a good meal oc-cage-onably.

sometimes I just can't help myself......


In deepest Africa an explorer discovered a lake in which there lived a race of intelligent porpoise. He learned to communicate with these porpoises and they quickly learned to speak and to read and write.
They told him that they had live in the lake for thousands of years and they were essentially immortal. When the explorer told the world about the wisdom of these porpoise, people from all over the world began to write letters to them asking for help and advice.
There was no postal service to this remote lake so the mail just collected at the post office and the postal service refused to deliver it without special delivery postage. But because of the international prestige the government at last agreed to deliver the mail for free.
Because the lake was so remote there was no road and the postal service had to send a postman with bearers carrying the mail in sacks. As they approached the lake they came upon a large lion sleeping directly across the narrow path.
After some deliberation, the postman told the bearers to just step over lion very carefully so as not to wake him.
They were just starting to do so; when a policman sprang from the brush and said, "You're all under arrest! Don't you know it's illegal to carry free mail across a sedate lion for immortal porpoises!"

You know... as I was reading that, I knew exactly which words from the story were going to make up the pun, but I'm not quite awake enough that I could figure out the actual pun before hand.

Sad, isn't it?

Checking the menu, a restaurant customer ordered a bowl of vegetable
soup. After a couple of spoonfuls, he saw a circle of wetness right
under the bowl on the tablecloth.

He called the waitress over and said, "It's all wet down here. The
bowl must be cracked."

The waitress said, "You ordered vegetable soup, didn't you?"

"Yes," responded the man.

"Maybe it has a leek in it!" said the waitress.

onion- i mean obviously

Broadway is looking to buy the rights to the Martha Stewart trial, so they can turn it into a musical. The theme song will be "Blame it all on Bacanovic."

SPLENDID!!! Well done! Unfortunately, there may not be too many here who are familiar with Eydie Gorme......