h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

"Awake, The blessed bowl of night has fled, for the sun within it's flight .....AAAAAIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!"

T H W A C K~~~~~~!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


Backwards man....backwards


thought you would be good at obeying orders....you're useless..

i am listing your punishments in a spiral notepad as we speak...(you will probably quite enjoy some of them. specially the one with the warm hchocolate sauce and the squirty cream, but nevertheless....)

A LOAF OF BREAD, A JUG OF WINE, A BOOK OF VERSE AND THOU, BESIDE ME IN THE WILDERNESS, AND THAT WILDERNESS WERE PARADISE ENOW..

..WONE ESIDARAP EREW TAHT DNA, SSNEREDDLIW EHT NI EM EDISEB, UOHT DNA ESREV FO KOOB A, ENIW FOGUJ A, DEARB FO FOAL A

yeah...
that's not bad


i'm mildly impressed...... tapping foot...
i want it all..(typical woman ..i know )

it'll be soo worth your while .. (takes out feather boa and lashes said victim..emm...i mean examinee, thrice afore lighting up pipe and settling back for the remainder of show)


come on my loveleeee look like you're enjoying yourself...we're only gettin started

puff puff... glug glug

Ooooookkkaaaayyyyy........ Takes deep breath..

I'm doing this from memory. remember

Where have you gone now ?

aha....
ok we'll give you 49 marks out of 119 for that feeble effort


you'll 'ave to call in all your reserves for the next one

willpower:

(adjusts v tight fittin outfit.. shouldnt have had that extra slice of bread'n'butter puddin last night...and adopts a stance)

sit over there on that chair,....you're allowed one item of clothing...your choice

we're not tying u up or anything, so stop looking so excited.

that's the whole point...you must contain yourself and maintain an air of icy calm, indifference even..

this test takes the best part of a day, so dont make any plans...

Right, PirateWench !

Hold on whist I slip into this one-piece flight suit....

LET THE TRIALS BEGIN

alright then..

(dons very smart little french maid's outfit and proceeds to dust around the place, picking up an inordinately large amount of seemingly invisable things off the floor, just in front of Flight Cap'n Alpha's chair....

the aroma of fresh coffee and baking bread comes from somewhere and the room becomes unbearably hot...)

oh... i think i need a drink..i'm soooo hotmmmm

"Anything I can do to help", he said knowingly ?......


(in the distance, a 70's sountrack starts to play....)

you wish... re: beer.. you're not getting anything matey

glug glug glug glug... (wipes mouth with back of hand)...
ahhhhhhh that's better...

hang on here. i'm just going to change into something a little more comfortable....
(whipped cream bikini) i'll be back ina second to sit on your knee and discuss the intricacies of adjusting the engine mountings on a ford capri.....

dont go away my sweet...

Begins To steam uncontrollably. Puts on weight...

"HARE KRISHNA, HARE KRISHNA, HARE...!!!"

It's not working... the mouth has gone dry...tries to remember the dewey decimal system in sequence.....


The shudders have started...

(nods in a general direction...

a wenchette comes and stands, holding a tray of dtipping ice lollies... )

Aye'll have one o those pleeez..
(proceeds to consume same as slowly as possible whilst still perching on capn's knee...dreadfully drippy things, ice lollies when it's hot..)

now darling....where were we?
were you singing something ?? my my you look a bit agitated

(slips a cold hand inside cap's flight suit to make sure he's not about to have heart failure..) the nursing thing never goes away.. it's a vocation u see..

slurp

Scalds hand He's getting hot. The heat is melting the cream bikini, which isn't helping. PW is getting higher than she was for some reason.... she'll need to change the costume before the prize hoves into veiw !

across the room the lolly sticks are starting to smoke. PW lights a cigar on his head, and she start smoking too. The flight suit is starting to smoulder....

Dreams

ohhh. Beer, lovely cold beer...what a nice idea...holds ice lolly aside, letting it drip, accidentaly on purpose, down the side of capn's face and down the front of his rather fetching flight suit.. which is indeed smoldering.

he whimpers something inaudible and tries hard not to lick the drips as they trickle past the corner of his mouth....
from her newly elevated position PW can see the clock...

sure it's only been 14 and a half minutes...we've ages to go yet, she squeaks gleefully...
i'll just go change

2 more wenchettes bring out a large watering can and pw proceeds to take a shower , a nice cold one, and changes into a silk scarf , then back to dusting..

anything i can get u capn deer? just shout..

The spill is working, but now The Captain is lost in clouds of his own steam... The wenchettes will need to open a window ! Till then, he tries to imagine where the silk scarf is. PW feels something digging into her. Alpha claims it is his wallet. She points out, that not only must he be paid in rolls of coins, inflation has gone wild.

And still he hangs in there ! what a guy.... Smoke me a kipper, I'll be back for breakfast...

and will you stop steaming? my hair do is ruined...

just mixin up a potion.... (holds it under nose, smells like a cross between his favorite perfume and some ole forgotten aroma that awoke a long forgotten memory).... he half stands and then remembers and sits back down..)

Aye has opened the window to let out the steam and the air clears.... he sees it all....and gasps....................

And gasps again, and sees........

and flings himself prone on the floor, begging to be set free ....(she thinks hopefully?.... come on....you know the prize... it'll all be worth it in the end....

and u can even finish me beer