h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

At least it all balances out...

*Starts bushwacking through the forest toward the voices.*

[You go NORTHWEST. You find yourself in a maze of twisty paths through the forest, all alike. You can hear voices to the WEST, apparently bickering. With all the underbrush, it's hard to see any paths.]

*Pulls out COMPASS. Heads due WEST towards the voices.*

Are you guys still back there?

[You go WEST. You find yourself in a maze of twisty paths through the forest, all alike. You can hear voices to the NORTHEAST, apparently bickering. With all the underbrush, it's hard to see any paths.]

[Woogy] [right behind her] YEZZ!!!1!111!11

I think they must be moving...


*draws a complicated diagram on the forest floor.*

Let's see... if we were here when we heard them to the northeast.... then we heard them to the north... then the west... now back to the northeast...

*Diagram looks like a plate of spaghetti.*

[Corrigible] They've probably been moving the whole time, and by a contrived coincidence they're always one step ahead of us.

So what do you propose? We follow the voices as best we can, and hope we don't run into something nasty? Or do you happen to have a Force trick up your sleeve?

[Corrigible] We probably ought to just continue. I don't know how else we'll find our way to the next, uh ...

[Laguna] PLTO DEVCIE!!1!!!1!1

[Corrigible] Yeah.

All right, to the next plot device!

*Follows the voices.*

[You go NORTHEAST. You find yourself in a maze of twisty paths through the forest, all alike. You can hear voices to the NORTH, apparently bickering. With all the underbrush, it's hard to see any paths.]

Is this ever going to end? I mean, the least that could happen is we get attacked by something!

*Walks NORTH, still following voices.*

[You go NORTH and enter a clearing. In the middle of the clearing is a hill. On top of the hill is ARTAX, PIFFANY, and YEAGAR, battling with a GAZEEBO. NODWICK is nearby, a pile of items on his back. Obvious exits are NORTH, SOUTH, and --]

[Yeagar] Will you shut up!? We're trying to fight here!

[Sorry.]

Need some help with the... uh... gazeebo?

Some explanation here is required.

This is based on a true story in which two guys were playing D&D. The Gamemaster gave a description of the room which included, "On top of the hill is a gazeebo." The player assumed that a gazeebo was some sort of monster, and the GM kept saying, "Why? It's a gazeebo!" or variations. (The character even fired an arrow at it; it just stuck there. Player: "It doesn't wake up?" GM: "Wake up?? It's a gazeebo!") It ended with the GM, frustrated in defeat, just said, "It's too late. You have awakened the gazeebo. It leaps up and eats you." The player grumbles, "Maybe I'll roll up a fire mage to avenge my archer."

Now, an /intelligent/ GM would have said, "You don't know what a gazeebo is, do you?" Failing that, an /intelligent/ player would have said, "What's a gazeebo?" The moral of the story is, don't mess with gazeebos.


[Corrigible] They ... seem to be doing fine.

[A killing blow is landed on Yeagar. Piffany pulls out a roll of duct tape.]

[Corrigible] [drawing lightsaber] Scratch that ...

That's a good one!

Right!

*Pulls out rockhammer.*

You know, one of these days I'm going to have to get a better weapon...

[Corrigible] [takes out a Chefinator (a handgun currently set to "medium-well") and hands it to Scandrea] Here.

[He runs forward to jump over the heads of the other adventurers and slashes down at the Gazeebo, which promptly hits him in the stomach and sends him sprawling.]

Thanks!

*Runs off to the flank, and fires the Chefinator at the gazeebo.*

[The wood on the gazeebo darkens, and the paint starts to curl a bit. Then it bursts into flames and collapses in a pile of ash.]

[Artax] Wow. I thought it had wards against flames ... Oh well. Piffany, how's Yeagar coming along?

[Piffany] [taps Yeagar on the head with her staff] All done!

[Yeagar] [sitting up and rubbing his head] ... Ow ...

Where did Nodwick go? And for that matter, where are the other three cartoon characters I came with?

[Nodwick] I'm right here. I used my "Go Unnoticed" Henchman skill to avoid being seen.

[Woogy] [right behind Scandrea] RIET HEER!!!111!11!1!

[Laguna] LOLOLOLOL

[Corrigible] [facepalming] Ugh ...

[Artax] Er, right. Perhaps we should leave this area. Really quickly.