h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Or did we.....?

(For atmosphere) Bum Bum Bum!!!

We can always rely on your Bum for atmosphere, Dissy.

*Vestboy fires underpant elastic gun and watches as the flailing elastic wraps itself round Dico's neck. Like a huge bungee VB skims inches from the ground and starts the supersonic acceleration back up the cliff face*

Yes! You CAN see Olaf's house from here.

Disco you're looking a bit purple, wassup?

Olaf, you can see your house from here! What's that funny smell?

*reaches acme and starts the fall*

Catch me Duke!

*bone crunching crash as Vestboy doesn't miss the ground*
Bo*****s! I've bent my y-fronts. Where's the Duke when you need him?
What's this flat metal thing I'm sitting on? Looks like it used to have a handle and a spout. What's this writton on the side "Tip me up and pour me out" Property of Fate Amenable to Change.

Ooer.

You absolute horror *screams and leaps out of bushes brandishing a scalding hot tea spoon (just been stirring the tea)* Take that on the knee cap!!
Sob sniff sob.

Aaaaaaaargh! That was hot - my patella may never recover. I didn't mean to flatten the teapot. I'm er... sorry. Aaah. I've apologised to one of the evil horde! And after they've branded me with a tea spoon.

Duke, Tred, Leeloo, Olaf anyone come and help me before I become a gibbering wreck!

And take *that* and *that* and *that*!!
That was my tea pot!! - Bit late for apologies now Vesty, what was is doing in your pants anyhow?
Actually, bearing that in mind, I don't suppose it really matters that it's been squashed as I doubt that I could have brought myself to brew up in it again after it had been in your pants...

Umm.... I finally read that stuff about my ass providing atmosphere, and I don't think hero's oneliners can legally go that low, unless they're more of a troubled hero, like Spawn. So are you breaking the law, or are you a demon?

By the way, what happened to my other tea pot that olaf nicked? Or should I have kept quiet about that and let the plot (Ha!!) develop?

Sorry Vestboy, but I really think you asked for that. It's one thing to kidnap an evil person's tea pot while they're away but quite another when you put it down your pants and sit on it.

Here, have some of this - I'm all out of burn ointment but I'm sure this Preparation H will work just as well. That's all the help I can offer you for now.

You're quite the medicine woman aren't you Leeloo?

Perhaps Leeloo should change her name to Dr. Quinn!

=B>

Or maybe I should use my extensive bandage collection to tie you two together, fasten you down to a railway track and wait, with a cup of Fate's highly recommended tea, for your impending doom ..... just a thought.

This Preparation H stuff tastes funny. Never mind, I'll rub some in my vest to use later. I can see I'll be pulling used tea bags out of my y-fronts for a few weeks to come.

Leeloo, thanks for the help and the lecture. I really needed it. And by the way we are goodies and so we don't normally tie people to railway lines for them to await their fate.

Killing and maiming the bad guys is quite alright but it can't, generally, be done in cold blood using Virgin Trains.

Throwing them under a passing train as you excape a nasty, evil trap is quite OK. Tying them up with bandages - fine. Mixing the two could give our younger viewers a bad example to follow.

Point taken – would have been fun though.

Phew that was a bit of a lucky escape eh Evil G?

*** Warning to younger viewers ***

Sucking Preparation H causes your lips to pucker involuntarily, and should only be done by trained superheroes like Vestboy, and professional whistlers.

It also makes your gums and tounge shrink.