h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Of course. I too learned a good deal about evil last night, watching a movie called "Krull". Apart from the evil elements in the film itself, I can't help a feeling that evil must have been behind the making of it too. What other than evil could inflict such a ghastly piece of crap on a suffering human race?

Er...Hollywood. Synonymous with evil.

*Slaps forehead* Right! Didn't think of that. Hence, the releasing of bits of nastiness like "Basil", "The Matrix" and "Police Academy", right?

(Begins to take money from Evil Gifaffe's wallet, but looks up) What's your problem with them Matrix?

Auntie Edna?
I haven't got an Auntie Edna. I do however have an Auntie F'tang F'tang Ole Biscuit Barrell. You'll have to find the right forum for the posting!

Phew! I'm glad she was mistaken. She looked kinda angry to me for a while...

The one bad thing about being in America is that all you Europeans are having these scintillating conversations (and wonderful tea) while I'm in bed. I'm the one to always arrive at the proverbial party after it's over. And let me tell you, it looks like there was a raging one in this forum last night. It took me a half hour to read through all the postings I had missed.

Even now, though I am connected to Dunstable, Vesty, and soon Olaf through ICQ, I am missing out on much of the enjoyment.

Because of this, I have decided to reply to messages before they happen so that I may project myself into the conversations that will happen at night whilst I sleep. This is my first one:

Yes, of course Vestboy! I knew that Evil Giraffe was going to try something dastardly fiendish, but I could never have imagined that it would have been this. The trout was definitely a sight (and a stench) not to be equalled. Luckily my trusty Zippo was able to keep the flies away and the door was easily broken under Olaf's fearsome charge. Now all we have to do is get past the pizza.

Oh, and Fate, thank you very much. No one has ever told me that before.

Olaf, make your own smelly tea. And if you don't give me back my tea pot I'm going to come over there and force feed you really strong cheap coffee that tastes of chicory.

(*Thinks* what the hell did I say to TRED, I haven't got time to keep rereading these postings, so I guess I'll never know)

And as for the money Discordial, that's not a problem, no one ever tell you that money is the root of all evil, so we've got plenty of it..

(Haven't done this for a while) (Clears throat)
Mwa mwa mwa!

You can't remember what you said to TRED???

Let's just say it involved blancmange and a rubber wet suit and leave it at that, Fate.

By the way, the tea thing was irony (unlike your lovely silver teapot)
MWA....MWA....KOFTA!!!

no, no, no...you didn't get it Fate.

I was saying thank you to what you will say in the future. You haven't said it yet. I was merely projecting myself.

Blancmanges can be dangerous.
They are my mortal enemies (while Olaf is an immortal enemy, and Vestboy is just a moron).

Scumpit, eh? No need to guess which side of the Great Divide you're from.

Vestie is not a moron, he just likes to pretend.

Oh, and some of my best friends are blancmanges (you know who you are).

How does a blancmange know who it is?

Blancmanges have feelings, too...
Gwahaha! Yah yah yah! Bfffffffft!

Thanks for the defence Olaf. But I will never enter a battle of wits with Scumpit as it's cowardly to take on someone who is unarmed.

Back to the plot. Blancmange, Mmm, strawberry. With an afterburn of rubber. My favourite - after Aunt f'tang F'tang Ole Biscuit Barrel's cabbabe and pineapple lardcake that is.

Where did it come from?

BWOARHH HAA HAA HAA HYAK HYAK HYAK TEE HEE HEE I am with the forces of EVIL (until giraffe comes after me with a toaster that is) where cid what come from scumball vesty?

I just wanted to point out...

You can't fight evil with a macaroni duck!

Thank you.

Blancmanges, lardcakes, macaroni ducks, I'll take you all on BWOARHH HAA HAA HAA HYACK HYACK TEE HEE HEE HEE

I think I'm getting caught up in some kind of weird time and space plot line here, but just to keep the balance

TRED you look like a wobbly blancmange and I need a wetsuit for the weekend

I've been looking you up RSBohn. (Never trust a man whose initials can't separate themselves from the surname). Macaroni Ducks!
I've decided we need a real test of good and evil round here and the Middle Ages had all the best tests.

I suggest we line up all of the baddies - with loz the nimble witted ferret at the front (and well away from my corsetry) - and dunk them. Those that don't drown are witches, and we burn 'em.

Fate, this is your chance - join us now and avoid a shameful end!

Tred get the Zippo ready - we're gonna need it - A LOT!