h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

er, Bluebottle, wasn't the whole premise of this thread the fact that Fred the Cheese had committed suicide? Presumably by self-pasteurisation...?

Jenny! We need your assurance that Fred the Cheese is, in fact, alive and well...

Now this is getting scary:
IF, as stated by Roasted above we have:

"Fred the Cheese, Fred the Starfish, and Fred the Roasted Amoeba"

Then we have a Trinity of Freds;
i.e.

The Starfish,
The Son (Cheesus, or Fred to his mates),
and the Holy Roast.

All being Fred !

Therefore, the three Freds are in fact One which finally explains why we have been previously unable to work out which fred is Fred.

All freds are Fred, Fred is three and Fred is One !

Spooky!

You hit the proverbial nail right on the proverbial head. Proverbially, of course.

That is also the reason why it is so important that we find Fred the Roasted Amoeba...

Oh, and another thought just occured to me;

Jenny seems to have gone awfully quiet on this Fred thing - is it because she is the one who brought Fred (Cheesus) among us and is in fact totally embarassed about a virgin birth to a cheese.

O blessed art thou amongst women mother Jenny.


(I really hope I haven't p*ssed off any Catholics too badly...)

Ah yes !

You see this now explains why Fred the Roasted Amoeba hasn't been found... The Holy Roast is amongst us in spirit, he has no physical presence to speak of.

The Holy Roast dwells within us and is probably the one who has driven us and this conversation towards this cheesy revelation.

You couldn't find Fred (the Holy Roast) because he/she/it had already found us !!!

Lac-to-phillus bac-tee-ree-ummmmm...

So...

Fred the cheese had been pasteurised, but he was put in the back of the fridge next to the blue stilton and now he lives again, waiting patiently till April when he can roll the eggs out of the way and emerge reborn...

(Oh, and Zaphod, I don't think you need to worry too much... The way to REALLY piss off Catholics is to remind them that the "wafer and wine" ceremony dates back to the time when a piece of stale bread infected with ergot mold and a swig of wine were guaranteed to induce religous extacies - this dates back to pre-Christian times, and was absorbed into their canon of faith in the same way as the rolling of eggs at Easter (Pagan fertility rite), the realignment of Jesus' birthday from September to December (so they could tell bystanders that Pagans dancing round a Yule log were really celebrating the birth of the Savior) and much of their "Saint's days" (many of the profiles of the better known Saints closely mirror those of minor deities in pre-Christian mythologies)...)

Good thinkin '69 !

We could celebrate this April ( or Cheester ) by giving chocolate eggs that instead of that nauseating sugary, gooey sticky centre have a nice runny camembert instead.

Or the packs of little chocolate eggs you get at supermarkets could be made of different kinds of cheeses from around the world, whereby you can't tell what type of cheese it is until you've taken off the coloured foil.

Imagine the delighted, smiling faces of the kiddies on Cheester Sunday when they get that sort of surprise.

Of course an indoors egg-hunt could turn nasty if a gorgonzola gets missed and festers away during those hot summer months.

But it's all in good fun!

oops, sorry Peet, I must have posted just after you reply, anyhow, I found the wafer & wine bit interesting, didn't know that one although I had vaguely heard the rest.

I'm probably a little innacurate on the spelling, but Easter is a perversion of the name Estros (or something like that) who was a greek goddess of fertility.

The rabbits are an obvious fertility link !!

np,Z

The "wafer and wine" info originally came from a book called "Mushrooms, Molds and Magic", a discussion of the ritual used of hallucenogenics. Unfortunately, my copy was pulped in a flooding disaster at my previous flat, so I can't provide author or ISBN details. It was an interesting book, though - apparently, ergot mold was responsible for the end of Roman expansionism, too! Because locals would often try to poison the invading Roman armies, all Roman legions were provided bread baked in Italy through their supply lines. The book had a diagram which showed the widest extents the Roman armies reached, overlaid with the distance it was possible to travel from Italy using the fastest mode of transport at the time, in the number of days it would take ergot to reach toxic levels on bread... The two lines were almost a perfect match, suggesting that at a certain distance from Rome all the armies began "tripping" on their rations, and were no longer an effective occupying force!

Oh, yeah, - Cheese Cheese Rah Rah Rah

Wow! A lot has happened since I've gone away..
Now I think I understand the whole of H2G2 - it's all the way of bringing the Fred's together to form a Unity - and the reason why H2G2 is so addictive is because it is holey - as any good cheese has those holes in it..

and it goes back even further...

Genesis

in the beginning, all was cheese
and fred saw that it was good.

Fred was that it was VERY good, you mean

Wouldn't that be a bit arrogant?

I mean fred is a cheese, and in the beginning everything was cheese,
so wouldn't fred then just see himself to be very good? And would that make him better than fred the starfish? But wouldn't that be blasphemy?

Would this beginning be a good compromise?

"In the beginning, everything was fred. And Fred the Starfish saw that it was very good, and Fred made everything cheese so as not to seem too arrogant. So everything was cheese, and now Fred the Cheese was hesitant to see it was VERY good, and Fred the Cheese saw it was perhaps not VERY good, but it was still good, and Fred saw that it was good that it was good. And Fred the Cheese tasted everything, from the camembert through the edam to the cheddar and gruyere, and Fred the Cheese found that it tasted good. He wanted to say it tasted VERY good, but Fred was modest. And so Fred the Cheese had Fred the Holy Roast taste it, and Fred the Holy Rost found it tasted VERY good. The Holy Roast said this to Fred the Cheese, who proceeded to be quite happy. And then Fred the Cheese had Fred the Starfish taste it, and Fred the Starfish totally agreed with Fred the Holy Roast. And then Fred the Cheese proceeded to VERY happy indeed, since he now saw that everything tasted VERY good after all, though not sounding arrogant because he hadn't said so himself.

And lo, the fact that everything was still good instead of VERY good, even though everything might have tasted VERY good instead of good, didn't bother either Fred very much, because the proof of the pudding is in the eating."

Amen, anyone?

Don't you mean AFred.

Afred! Afred! Afred!

Indeed. And so we all dip a finger in the holy Fondue, and lick solemnly.

No thanks - I don't know where your finger's been!
(No insult)

Sheesh! The things you have to think of when starting a new religion!

We could try making a habit of washing our fingers in olive oil or skimmed milk before dipping?