Journal Entries
Happy 5th Birthday Angel
Posted Sep 14, 2003
September 13, 4:45pm
Discuss this Journal entry [3]
Latest reply: Sep 14, 2003
Reunion was sweet but short lived
Posted Sep 5, 2003
Tuesday, September 2 was the day we set aside to ‘confront’ Shawn. We spent three hours at his home. At the beginning of the evening, things were very stilted. Very early on Angel made the comment that we were trying to take her away from daddy and raise her ourselves and that why she couldn’t see us. She wanted to live with daddy. We just let the comment pass. We stayed to ‘safe’ subjects…how much Angel had grown, what was happening with Shawn’s job, how had the summer gone. He let us know he had finally made some friends and that were socializing with several other families with children Angel’s age. We let them know we had just got back from a Bat Mitzvah in Indianapolis. Shawn wanted to know how it was and while I was describing the ‘event’ I commented that it was only the second time I had been in temple all year (I used to go every other week).
At some point in the conversation, he said he had been waiting for us to apologize. I let him know that I did that the second week into this fiasco, but he just wasn’t listening. I also let him know that all my calls were to try and keep the line of communication open. Apologizes were made again and he seemed content.
I let him know that I wanted to speak with him without Angel being around to try and work out what happened in April. He said we could talk in front of her. I clarified what I said as opposed to what he heard. He heard I was trying to take Angel away from him. I said I thought he needed a break away from her. I know how hard it is to be a parent, especially of a handicapped child, and I thought he needed some time for himself. Never did I try to get custody of Angel. I didn’t want it then and I don’t want it now. We let them know we missed them, were concerned about them, loved them and wanted them as part of our family, our lives.
We left on a positive note, with no future plans of any particular time to get together. Shawn was not willing to make any commitments for weekly or bi-weekly visits and we didn’t push for them.
On the way out, we did a family hug and told them we loved them.
Wednesday Shawn came by the house and picked up several items. He asked Barton what our plans for Sunday were. Barton said he didn’t know and to check with me.
I called Shawn Wednesday night. I let him know that Sunday was available. We talked a little more about his job. He wanted to know if there was anything else we needed to talk about that we hadn’t covered on Tuesday. I said currently no but if I thought of anything I would bring it up. I suppose that was my mistake.
He went off the deep end again. He decided I was still trying to run his life and interfere with who he saw, who he dated, how he raised his daughter. Obviously I had not changed my religious intolerance and it was going to keep me from seeing them. (HUH?!?!?!). After all, that is what drove Angel’s mom, Sarah, away in the first place.
When Sarah turned eighteen, her mom threw her out of the house. I offered to let her live with us on the condition she finished high school or got her GED. This is BEFORE I found out she was pregnant with Angel. Sarah is Lutheran. We are Jewish. I let her know that I had no problem with her bringing her Bible into my home but I would not have any displays of religious symbols including a Christmas tree. After all, it was my home and she was a guest in it. I did offer to drive her to church and pick her up afterward but I would not attend with her. The only type of ‘converting’ I did was ask her if she was interested in singing in our choir (half of whom are not Jewish). By her own admission she missed singing in choir.
But more importantly, is what I have told Shawn for the past 18 years. I don’t care who he dates or who he marries, BUT if he wants to keep a relationship with me his children must be raised Jewish. This was stated long before he even thought of dating. The other religious related demand was that ‘as long as he lived in my house’ he would attend one service on the high holy days and join us for one Seder.
When Sarah admitted to being pregnant, I again reiterated my feeling on religion. I let them know they were welcomed to stay in my home until the baby was born. If they decided to raise the child Jewish they were welcomed to stay afterwards otherwise they needed to find their own place to live. It was their choice.
They decided to get married before Angel was due. The wedding was planned for the beginning of November. I let them know that IF they expected me to pay for the wedding it would be done by a rabbi. I would not pay for a non-Jewish wedding (Sarah’s parents were not willing to pay for anything). Again it was their choice…you pay, you do it your way…I pay, you do it my way. They found a rabbi they liked that was willing to do a mixed marriage. We sent out invitation. We invited 125 people!!!!! I still had not gotten any assurance that the child would be raised Jewish.
They later told me they had decided to raise the child Jewish. A month later Angel was born…at 25 weeks! This was two weeks before the scheduled wedding (which was later postponed and never did happen). Angel spent the first 4 months in NICU. Normally a girl child is given her Jewish name at 30 days. Our rabbi suggested we wait until she was home and doing ok…that it should be a joyous occasion. When she was 11 months old, we held her naming ceremony…both sides of the family attended.
Our guest room had been turned into a nursery. Shawn and Sarah were living in his room. We tried to keep two families separate under one roof. That can go only so far. Shawn set up the rules for his family…they were going to be vegetarian, Sarah was going to work, he was going to go to school and he was going to make the decisions for Angel. Sarah was not allowed to see her friends…they were a bad influence but he could go out with his friends whenever. Sarah was expected to do everything. His time was to study and have fun. Sarah finally said she need some time away. At that time, Angel was 22 months. Sarah never came back.
Shawn and Angel continued to live with us until Angel was 37 months. She occasionally attended Friday night services with us and helped me with Shabbat candles. Shawn continued to come to one service a year and one Seder. I took Angel to two or three Saturday morning children services. On the nights I put her to bed, we read from a children’s prayer book…it did not emphasize Judaism, it emphasized God. We lit Chanukah candles. We are not an extremely pious household.
They moved out in November. In December, they had a Christmas tree…Shawn had always wanted one but I would not have one in my house. I brought ornaments and helped decorate it…it was right next to the Menorah. I had no trouble with that…it was his home. What he did in his home was his business.
/end history
Back to my religious intolerance. It had kept him from dating and finding anyone he could consider marrying. He had met several women but didn’t date them because I wouldn’t accept them, etc. etc. etc. I reiterated that I didn’t care who he dated or who he married but if the wedding was not going to be Jewish I would not pay for it. Again he said I was being intolerant. Fine…let’s change it…I will not pay for any wedding…I don’t care if you marry a Jewish women, a Jewish man, a non-Jewish women or a non-Jewish man. I will attend, but I will not pay for a wedding! That was still not good enough. I still was being religiously intolerant.
For several years Shawn wanted to become Buddhist but did not do so while living in my home…nor did he do so after he moved out. He currently says he is not interest in any organized religion. He also says no matter whom he marries, Angel is his child and what he says goes. And for the record, the only time I have disagreed with him on childrearing is in safety/health issues.
The next scenario he brought up was when he married a Christian girl and she brought Angel up to believe in Christ as her Savior, etc. etc. and they came over and they started discussing it in my house…
I made the only compromise I could make. What you do in you home is your business. Don’t bring it in my home. Religion will not be discussed. Do what you want. Just don’t tell me. Don’t ask. Don’t tell. It was still not good enough for him.
For eighteen years I have held fast to the demand that any grandchild of mine be Jewish. I am now willing to compromise…raise her any way you want. Just don’t tell. Even if it is Jewish, don’t tell me. Let me have my hope that you will honor your promise. The promise you made so I wouldn’t throw you out on the street. That I would give you shelter, feed you, cloth you and provide for you and your child and your S/O so neither of you had to work. So you could take advantage of me yet again. The promise you had no intention of keeping.
Now you want me to make the same type of promise. I will allow you to do and say anything in my house. If Angel tries to ‘convert’ me, I will listen and convert, because Daddy says. She has already tried to ‘convert’ us to vegetarianism. I won’t do it. I can’t do it. It is a promise I know I can not keep. I will not do it just to be able to see you and her.
On one hand you say I will do and say anything to see her. How can you trust what I say? And on the other hand you want this promise.
It’s a lose – lose situation.
You have left the door open. When I come around to your way of thinking, I am welcomed back.
But I have seen you and her. You are both looking well and happy.
This time we left with smiles and love and hugs.
I can live with this parting.
Shawn, no matter how hard you try, you are still my child. Whether or not I like you, I will love you no matter what.
Angel, I will love you forever.
Be happy!
Discuss this Journal entry [3]
Latest reply: Sep 5, 2003
Reunion was sweet but short lived
Posted Sep 4, 2003
Tuesday, September 2 was the day we set aside to ‘confront’ Shawn. We spent three hours at his home. At the beginning of the evening, things were very stilted. Very early on Angel made the comment that we were trying to take her away from daddy and raise her ourselves and that why she couldn’t see us. She wanted to live with daddy. We just let the comment pass. We stayed to ‘safe’ subjects…how much Angel had grown, what was happening with Shawn’s job, how had the summer gone. He let us know he had finally made some friends and that were socializing with several other families with children Angel’s age. We let them know we had just got back from a Bat Mitzvah in Indianapolis. Shawn wanted to know how it was and while I was describing the ‘event’ I commented that it was only the second time I had been in temple all year (I used to go every other week).
At some point in the conversation, he said he had been waiting for us to apologize. I let him know that I did that the second week into this fiasco, but he just wasn’t listening. I also let him know that all my calls were to try and keep the line of communication open. Apologizes were made again and he seemed content.
I let him know that I wanted to speak with him without Angel being around to try and work out what happened in April. He said we could talk in front of her. I clarified what I said as opposed to what he heard. He heard I was trying to take Angel away from him. I said I thought he need a break away from her. I know how hard it is to be a parent, especially of a handicapped child, and I thought he needed some time for himself. Never did I try to get custody of Angel. I didn’t want it then and I don’t want it now. We let them know we missed them, were concerned about them, loved them and wanted them as part of our family, our lives.
We left on a positive note, with no future plans of any particular time to get together. Shawn was not willing to make any commitments for weekly or bi-weekly visits and we didn’t push for them.
On the way out, we did a family hug and told them we loved them.
Wednesday Shawn came by the house and picked up several items. He asked Barton what our plans for Sunday were. Barton said he didn’t know and to check with me.
I called Shawn Wednesday night. I let him know that Sunday was available. We talked a little more about his job. He wanted to know if there was anything else we needed to talk about that we hadn’t covered on Tuesday. I said currently no but if I thought of anything I would bring it up. I suppose that was my mistake.
He went off the deep end again. He decided I was still trying to run his life and interfere with who he saw, who he dated, how he raised his daughter. Obviously I had not changed my religious intolerance and it was going to keep me from seeing them. (HUH?!?!?!). After all, that is what drove Angel’s mom, Sarah, away in the first place.
When Sarah turned eighteen, her mom threw her out of the house. I offered to let her live with us on the condition she finished high school or got her GED. This is BEFORE I found out she was pregnant with Angel. Sarah is Lutheran. We are Jewish. I let her know that I had no problem with her bringing her Bible into my home but I would not have any displays of religious ‘icons’ including a Christmas tree. After all, it was my home and she was a guest in it. I did offer to drive her to church and pick her up afterward but I would not attend with her. The only type of ‘converting’ I did was ask her if she was interested in singing in our choir (half of whom are not Jewish). By her own admission she missed singing in choir.
But more importantly, is what I have told Shawn for the past 18 years. I don’t care who he dates or who he marries, BUT if he wants to keep a relationship with me his children must be raised Jewish. This was stated long before he even thought of dating. The other religious related demand was that ‘as long as he lived in my house’ he attend one service on the high holy days and join us for one Seder.
When Sarah admitted to being pregnant, I again reiterated my feeling on religion. I let them know they were welcomed to stay in my home until the baby was born. If they decided to raise the child Jewish they were welcomed to stay afterwards otherwise they needed to find their own place to live. It was their choice.
They decided to get married before Angel was due. The wedding was planned for the beginning of November. I let them know that IF they expected me to pay for the wedding it would be done by a rabbi. I would not pay for a non-Jewish wedding (Sarah’s parents were not willing to pay for anything). Again it was their choice…you pay, you do it your way…I pay, you do it my way. They found a rabbi they liked that was willing to do a mixed marriage. We sent out invitation. We invited 125 people!!!!! I still had not gotten any assurance that the child would be raised Jewish.
They later told me they had decided to raise the child Jewish. A month later Angel was born…at 25 weeks! This was two weeks before the scheduled wedding (which was later postponed and never did happen). Angel spent the first 4 months in NICU. Normally a girl child is given her Jewish name at 30 days. Our rabbi suggested we wait until she was home and doing ok…that it should be a joyous occasion. When she was 11 months old, we held her naming ceremony…both sides of the family attended.
Our guest room had been turned into a nursery. Shawn and Sarah were living in his room. We tried to keep two families separate under one roof. That can go only so far. Shawn set up the rules for his family…they were going to be vegetarian, Sarah was going to work, he was going to go to school and he was going to make the decisions for Angel. Sarah was not allowed to see her friends…they were a bad influence but he could go out with his friends whenever. Sarah was expected to do everything. His time was to study and have fun. Sarah finally said she need some time away. At that time, Angel was 22 months. Sarah never came back.
Shawn and Angel continued to live with us until Angel was 37 months. She occasionally attended Friday night services with us and helped me with Shabbat candles. Shawn continued to come to one service a year and one Seder. I took Angel to two or three Saturday morning children services. On the nights I put her to bed, we read from a children’s prayer book…it did not emphasize Judaism, it emphasized God. We lit Chanukah candles. We are not an extremely pious household.
They moved out in November. In December, they had a Christmas tree…Shawn had always wanted one but I would not have one in my house. I brought ornaments and helped decorate it…it was right next to the Menorah. I had no trouble with that…it was his home. What he did in his home was his business.
Back to my religious intolerance. It had kept him from dating and finding anyone he could consider marrying. He had met several women but didn’t date them because I wouldn’t accept them, etc. etc. etc. I reiterated that I didn’t care who he dated or who he married but if the wedding was not going to be Jewish I would not pay for it. Again he said I was being intolerant. Fine…let’s change it…I will not pay for any wedding…I don’t care if you marry a Jewish women, a Jewish man, a non-Jewish women or a non-Jewish man. I will attend, but I will not pay for a wedding! That was still not good enough. I still was being religiously intolerant.
The next scenario he brought up was when he married a Christian girl and she brought Angel up to believe in Christ as her Savior, etc. etc. and they came over and they started discussing it in my house.
I made the only compromise I could make. What you do in you home is your business. Don’t bring it in my home. Religion will not be discussed. Do what you want. Just don’t tell me. Don’t ask. Don’t tell. It was still not good enough for him.
For eighteen years I have held fast to the demand that any grandchild of mine be Jewish. I am now willing to compromise…raise her any way you want. Just don’t tell. Even if it is Jewish, don’t tell me. Let me have my hope that you will honor your promise. The promise you made so I wouldn’t throw you out on the street. That I would give you shelter, feed you, cloth you and provide for you and your child and your S/O so neither of you had to work. So you could take advantage of me yet again. The promise you had no intention of keeping.
Now you want me to make the same type of promise. I will allow you to do and say anything in my house. If Angel tries to ‘convert’ me, I will listen and convert, because Daddy says. She has already tried to ‘convert’ us to vegetarianism. I won’t do it. I can’t do it. It is a promise I know I can not keep. I will not do it just to be able to see you and her.
On one hand you say I will do and say anything to see her. How can you trust what I say? And on the other hand you want this promise.
It’s a lose – lose situation.
You have left the door open. When I come around to your way of thinking, I am welcomed back.
But I have seen you and her. You are both looking well and happy.
This time we left with smiles and love and hugs.
I can live with this parting.
Shawn, I still love you.
Angel, I will love you forever.
Be happy!
Discuss this Journal entry [3]
Latest reply: Sep 4, 2003
A Picture IS Worth a Thousand Words
Posted Sep 3, 2003
These were taken 9-2-03.
http://www.eznetinc.net/users/brolsky/angel2.jpeg
http://www.eznetinc.net/users/brolsky/angel8.jpeg
http://www.eznetinc.net/users/brolsky/angel9.jpeg
http://www.eznetinc.net/users/brolsky/angelshawn.jpeg
http://www.eznetinc.net/users/brolsky/angelshawncandy.jpeg
http://www.eznetinc.net/users/brolsky/angelshawnbarton.jpeg
Discuss this Journal entry [5]
Latest reply: Sep 3, 2003
Physical pain = 2, Emotional pain = 9…you HAVE been warned!
Posted Jul 31, 2003
July 30, 2003
Today Dad turned 80. We had a surprise birthday party for him on Sunday. Spent the first hour fielding questions about Shawn and Angel. And thus began the setback.
The play room is finally almost empty. I gave up and did it myself last night…well, PC did pack one box and Barton took the battery-operated train and car out to the van (they are on ‘loan’ to my sister until such time as I need them back. Yeah…like that is going to happen.) Angel’s baby doll, bottle and blankie are still there. I CAN NOT move them out to the garage. It was hard enough moving them from the swing to the closet. It didn’t take me long to move the stuff…only about an hour…would have gone considerably faster if I had gotten hysterically with every item I moved. I knew that I shouldn’t have done it myself, but I couldn’t get anyone to move it for me….just lots of promises (and we all know what they are worth).
While I was emptying the room, I got a call that S was in the emergency room. She had fallen again. She has been having blackouts and hallucinating for weeks now. She has more medical problems than anyone else I know and takes painkillers the way most people eat popcorn … handfuls at a time. Lately she has tried to wean off the painkillers because she knows they become less effective the more you take. So she has increased her anti-depressants and Zanax (self-medicating?). The drug screen in her blood work was so high, they are considering de-tox. C and I spent time relieving her husband in the ER … he is besides him self. We were listening to S speak with her dead parents and dead brother…all of whom were telling her it was her time. It didn’t help that the cubicle she was in was the same one her dad died in. At one time, when I was in the cube alone with her, she told me that she needed to get out because she knew she was going to die if she stayed there. I didn’t know what to say….this was the same hospital I knew I was going to die in. Barton called while we were still in ER and asked if we wanted him to come over. Told him it would be a good idea. We weren’t sure how long we would be downstairs, but he knew the room she was being transferred to and could find us no matter where we were. He said he would be there in 10 – 15 minutes….1hr 40min later he showed up (sigh). I still don’t know what detained him or why he had what looked like blood on his shirt.
***
But I digressed, once again. ***
As I was moving the last item out of the play room, a child-sized lounge chair, I bumped the kitchen/living room wall (it’s a partial height wall that allows you to display things on top). This wall is solid (I tried to shake it this morning). The bump should not have caused any damage. HOWEVER….. my grandmother’s antique sewing machine WAS on display. I say was because it came crashing down. It took out the sitar and a guitar (about $2000 damage) and I got hit with flying ‘shrapnel’ (no major damage to me, but my arm is a tad swollen today and I don’t have a good ankle left). I wonder why my grandmother (who is up in heaven) was so mad at me to throw a sewing machine?
It would have been cheaper to hire someone to move the stuff out of the playroom…both financially and emotionally…but especially emotionally.
No…I am not over Shawn and Angel.
“Feeling lonely is a lot like feeling abused, but the pain is of your own making and the blame is always placed somewhere else.”
In my convoluted way of reasoning I am ‘blaming’ three people who I love dearly for contributing to where I am now ... a plea to help someone, a long lunch, and a ‘suggestion’ that a call be made. I could have refused them all. I didn’t. My choice. No one forced me. The road not taken. Would it have been any better? I’ll never know. Those decision, along with every other decision I have ever made, will be specters to haunt me for good or for bad.
And now on to worse case scenarios (another thing I am good at). I (perhaps we) am (are) going to attempt to confront Shawn face to face. I know Shawn has caller-id and has not listened to anything I have left and I am sure he has not read anything I have sent. Facing him is a lose-lose situation. There is no place I can try and find him that Angel will not be with him. Neither Barton nor myself think this will accomplish anything good and in all probably will do additional damage to all concerned.
Barton asked me what I plan to do when Shawn refusing contact (you see, we both know this is a given). At that point, I simply commit myself and ask them to throw away the key. I’m tired of pretending to function. Of getting up every morning and going to work and knowing that I can’t even stay even let alone get ahead (I just got a raise…it put me in a higher tax bracket…I am now taking home less…couldn’t do it on what I was taking home before the raise). Sometimes I have to force myself to go ‘home’. I need to be someplace where my every waking minute is regimented. I don’t want to think. I don’t want to function. I don’t want to help anyone else solve their problems. I just want someone to take care of me for a change.
But it isn’t going to happen tomorrow. Tomorrow I’ll force myself out of bed and put on my outside face. I’m great at fooling others. Just read what my boss said on my review, “…her sense of humor is also a great attribute for the group…”
“Good-bye cruel world. I’m off to join the circus. I’m going to be a broken-hearted clown.”
I am not depressed.
I am not suicidal.
I am tired.
I am frustrated.
I am lonely.
I am hurting.
I am striking out against the ones I love.
I am empty.
But the tears still come.
Discuss this Journal entry [9]
Latest reply: Jul 31, 2003
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